People Who Need People…

By Blue Waters Publications

Jul

29

The meeting of two personalities is like the contact of two chemical substances:

If there is any reaction, both are transformed.

Carl Jung

With this post, we complete our circuit of the Basic Needs wheel by discussing the Social Needs we all share as human beings. We humans are a social animal, in much the same way dogs, wolves and apes are social and survive best in a pack. We, too, need to have contact with other human beings on a regular basis just for the sake of companionship.

This contact can take many forms, but it cannot meet any other strict agenda. So, for example, the work meeting you were required to attend with your co-workers will not qualify as a social engagement; it is a work obligation and your supervisor’s agenda will control. However, if you all go out for coffee afterwards, your need for a social outing would be accomplished. All that is required is that the purpose of the contact is simply to share time and companionship with another.

Spend a few minutes thinking about your past seven days. Did you have occasion for a social outing? Did you take the opportunity? If not, take the time right now to set up something for the upcoming week. Pick up the phone and call a friend to make some plans. Schedule it right in your appointment book. After all, isn’t meeting your needs and caring for yourself at least as important as all of those other obligations you so dutifully enter in your calendar?

However, as we get busy, the social engagements are usually the first to be crossed off our list. When we do this, we cheat ourselves. In order to meet all of the other demands on you and your time, you need to be caring for yourself. In order to keep doing all of the things you are already doing, and minimize your stress, you must take this social time for yourself. If you don’t, you will pay a price. It may not be immediate; but it will happen. You will be out of balance and under stress, both physically and emotionally, and something will have to give. So, for the same reasons you are now dutifully meeting your other five needs, schedule some time with a friend right now when you are thinking about it. We grow and thrive in the company of others. As Carl Jung says above, you will both be transformed.

And remember the immortal words of Goldie Hawn as “Private Benjamin.” In the Army during Boot Camp, she and fellow soldiers are marching for hours with full gear in the pouring rain. In her time of stress, she looks up at the camera and says, quite prophetically, “I wanna go out to lunch!” Sounds like a good idea to me Judy Benjamin!

Don’t Take Anything Personally

By Blue Waters Publications

Jul

7

The art of being wise is knowing what to overlook.

Don’t take anything personally.

William James

I wanted to revisit the topic we discussed in March when we used Eleanor Roosevelt’s “No one can make you feel inferior without your consent” quote and explored the issue of self-esteem. Often things people do or say to us will cause us to question our values, our skills, our choices. This can be a good thing, in that we can emerge with greater confidence and clarity of our goals.

However, if it halts our progress and immobilizes us in the pursuit of these goals, it is not helpful and can, in fact, be quite harmful to us. At those times, we must practice William James’ idea of overlooking the comment. We can listen to it for a moment, hold it up to the light of day to see if it carries any weight for us and, if not, toss it aside like so much garbage so that we can move on.

Many, if not most, of the comments people make to us and about us are not about us at all, but about them. For example, your co-worker comes into work and does not respond to your cheerful “Hello!” You ask yourself, “Is she upset with me?” “Did I do something to offend her?” “Why isn’t she speaking to me?” Nine times out of ten what you will find when you explore the situation further is that she either didn’t hear you, she is thinking about the work she has for that day or perhaps, she had an argument with her partner and is focused on that. Much of the time it will have nothing to do with you.

Yet our temptation is to personalize everything. So you may spend the next few hours wondering what you did. Later that day you may work up a considerable amount of frustration, hurt or anger at her for being upset (you assume) with you. When she finally does acknowledge you, you may snap at her, thus creating the very conflict you were afraid was there. You will also have spent a considerable amount of time and energy ruminating about the issue. What a waste.

Let’s assume the positive! Because in most cases, the behavior of another has nothing to do with us, when we are tempted to personalize something, just let it go. Tell yourself, “This is not about me,” “She probably just has something else on her mind” or “Maybe she didn’t hear me” and go on with your day. Your mood and self-esteem will remain more positive and you will avoid creating the conflict by your own actions and assumptions. Remain confident and give yourself the gift of peace; rather than the torment of insecurity.

Relationships are our Teachers

By Blue Waters Publications

Jun

27

Mount Rushmore

I have no regrets in my life. I think that everything happens to you for a reason. The hard times that you go through build character, making you a much stronger person.

Rita Mero

It is said that relationships are our greatest teachers. Anyone who has ever experienced a breakup can attest to this. While in the throes of heartache and loss, we have the opportunity to learn much.

We can learn that we are able withstand great pain and still survive. And also that the world will not end simply because we will it. It also slowly becomes clear that if we simply put one foot in front of the other, eventually, this pain, too, shall pass and we will again be able to achieve happiness and contentment.

We also learn what we are seeking in relationships. Perhaps you were involved in a relationship with a person unlike any you had known before. She may have been very stubborn or independent or determined. He may have been meticulous about his appearance, obsessive about punctuality or very lax about his hygiene. Even if the termination of the relationship was not your choice, as you would have stuck it out for the long hall, once you are out of it, you may find yourself realizing that this type person was simply too difficult for you to be with. You may consciously choose to avoid romantic relationships with persons with similar characteristics in the future.

Additionally, you will eventually take stock of your own contributions to the relationship and your feelings about those as well. You may have found that in this relationship you were very demanding or clingy or jealous or aloof and you do not with to behave this manner in future relationships. If that is the case, decide that you will take steps to make changes in the way you act in connection with an intimate partner. You may have to seek therapy or do some reading or simply talk with a good friend to determine how to make these changes, but if not for this relationship and its end, you would not have the ability to have this insight into yourself, nor to be able to choose to make this change. You have thus learned much.

Intimate relationships are not the only type of relationships that teach us about ourselves, however. If there is an acquaintance or a coworker that you find yourself reacting strongly to in a negative way, it is appropriate to explore that further as well. Asking yourself, “Why am I reacting to this person?” can give you great insight into what his words or behavior are triggering for you. Perhaps he reminds you of your absent father on some level. Or maybe she is bossy and controlling like your older sibling was when you were little. We often have a strong reaction to others and then have an opportunity to again learn that we are still dealing with some issues we had thought were far in the past. This is another chance for us to grow. Consider it a blessing in disguise.

Even our lasting intimate relationships can teach us much. For example, I’m convinced that my husband of nearly 21 years was sent to teach me patience, as that has never been a strength of mine, but something I have learned a bit more of in our years together. And I believe I was sent to light a fire under him, as I believe he is sometimes too patient with life circumstances. To echo a common theme, even what we learn about relationships is all about balance.

If you think about it, the areas of conflict with those close to you might also be two sides of the same coin. One of you is punctual, the other habitually late. One is very neat, the other leaves things lying about. Our negative qualities compliment each other and in seeking to modify them, hopefully we meet somewhere in the middle—in peace and acceptance.

The “Mistakes” That We Make

By Blue Waters Publications

Jun

17

One who makes no mistakes

never makes anything

Anonymous

I like this quote but want to qualify one word in it: mistakes. Obviously the quote is intended to mean that if we risk or attempt nothing, so that we don’t make any “mistakes” we essentially become trapped or immobilized by our fear of failing. True, we do not fall on our faces, but neither do we achieve great things. Our lives are controlled by this fear and we accomplish little.

The reason I would qualify the word “mistakes” is that often something may appear to be an error when it is in fact simply a choice or event that turns out differently than we had planned. I can relate to this as my life is filled with examples and choices that one could view as mistakes, but I see them differently.

One of my first such “mistakes” was the decision to attend law school. Thousands of dollars and several years of work experience later, I came to the conclusion that I really wasn’t happy or fulfilled practicing law. As many women find, there is little satisfying emotional contact with the clients when working as an attorney. After much thought, soul-searching and a stint selling furniture to have some time to think and figure out my next step, I decided to pursue my initial goal of becoming a social worker. I completed graduate school and have been extremely fulfilled by my second career for many years. I do, however, use the knowledge and skills I learned in law school every day. While some may view it as a mistake, I have never regretted that choice as it has played an important part in the person and therapist I have become.

My second alleged mistake could be considered my first marriage. He and I met in high school and married several years later. We were together for 8 years when our daughter was born. A year or so later, he became involved in an affair and left me. I was emotionally devastated; this was the most difficult experience I have ever endured. Yet it made me stronger. And it gave me an amazing and beautiful daughter. And for many years we had fun together; in many ways we grew up together.

It is true that the marriage didn’t last, but perhaps it was not meant to; perhaps it was only meant to be a chapter in my life, not the beginning and the end. And this experience, both the marriage and the divorce, became a part of the person I have become. I find myself working with many clients experiencing divorce. I believe I have a unique perspective because I know how it feels. And many wonderful opportunities have appeared for me since that marriage ended; choices I would not have had had my husband not left. For those, also, I am grateful.

I have recently had another such “mistake” happen in my life. As many of you know, I love to write. I write books, blogs, travel articles and I journal regularly. Every day I write something. I was looking about for a new writing opportunity; a new challenge, when I happened upon a book company seeking writers to complete books that were partially written. I applied to write one of the three books available at the time: The Complete Guide to Building Barns and Outbuildings. While it is true that I have never built a barn, I have helped my husband build several outbuildings and we completed all of the finishing work on a log cabin shell we had constructed on our land near Eagle River. We are a very hands-on couple. And we have been talking about building a larger structure to house our camper and kayak on that same property.

I applied and was accepted and promised payment of $1400 for the 65,000 word book. Over the past 6 weeks, in addition to working full time, celebrating my son’s high school graduation and being a wife and mother, I have invested nearly 100 hours researching, writing and editing this book. I submitted my first 20,000 words several weeks ago and received back several hundred requested edits for this material. I made the edits and re-submitted the work a week later, again ahead of my deadline. The first payment, $420, would not be paid until this first segment was accepted and edited to the project manager’s satisfaction.

After I sent it off a second time, I began working on the second 20,000 words. I had completed over 17,000 additional words, so essentially 2/3 of the book was written, when I received the edited portion back again, with 100 or more new edits requested. Edits that I was expected to make, not that the editor had made or changed; I was expected to  go through and re-re-write this same section of the book again. When I have worked with editors in the past, they would typically edit the material to their satisfaction, not ask me to do that work as well. Further, these were edits that had not been identified the first time I had received that material back; they were new changes being requested for the first time.

At that point, after reviewing the mass of new edits required and having invested the nearly 100 hours already with no compensation, I decided that my time was worth more than what I would receive if I stuck with this project through completion. The terms of this arrangement, that I would be expected to both write and edit my own work, doing essentially two jobs while being paid, nominally, for only one, was not something that I understood would be expected of me at the outset. Seeing what was in front of me, I decided my time would be better spent on other projects that would be more satisfying and fulfilling than spending my summer re-writing the same material.

But was it a mistake to undertake the project? I think not. I see it as a great experience; a marvelous adventure! For one thing, I know that if I chose, I could complete this job and do it well. I also have had the opportunity to undertake a very intense 6 week course of study in the design and construction of barns and outbuildings—something I would not have done if I was not in the position of having to write the book. And, though I had to return my research materials provided by the company, I am left with a nearly completed manual, written in my own words, on how to build a variety of such structures. My husband and I have also had a number of conversations about the type, size and style of structure we want to build on our property and I am now confident we can build it. True, I received no financial compensation for this effort. But I received something greater: knowledge and experience.

While this could be another mistake, I consider it, like the others, an opportunity that did not turn out as expected. But what in life does? And if I had never taken the risk, in the first place I would never have learned what I now know—about myself as well as how to build a barn!

We Need to Connect

By Blue Waters Publications

Jun

3

A good friend is a connection to life—

a tie to the past, a road to the future, the key to sanity in a totally insane world.

Lois Wyse

To meet our emotional needs, we need to be connecting with other living beings. We need to give and receive affection, and to talk with others about feelings, hopes, dreams, thoughts and feelings. We need to be giving and getting regular hugs, knowing we are important to someone or something and that we have emotional support from some source when we need it.

Continuing on our exploration of basic needs, the “E” or emotional needs follows the creative needs we most recently discussed. Ideally we get this emotional connection through a number of sources. We hope we have it with our partners if we are in an intimate relationship. We can also get it from our children, parents and other family members, depending on their age and availability. Friends and co-workers may provide a great deal of this support as well.

We are not just talking about human beings, however. Pets can contribute a great deal to our emotional well-being. After all, who else is just thrilled to see you every day when you walk in the door, no matter what mood you’re in or whether you’ve had onions for lunch? Who else has waited all day just to plant a big sloppy kiss on your face?

There is some interesting research that documents the need for emotional connection with other beings. One study was done with babies in an orphanage in Romania during World War I. The babies’ physical needs were superbly met. They were contained in clean cribs and fed and changed meticulously, but they were never held. The only time they came in contact with humans and were touched was the few minutes when they were changed or bathed. They were fed by means of a bottle propped up near their heads. Even though the babies were clean, safe and adequately nourished, they were dying one by one, until someone figured out they were dying from the lack of human contact.

The second study that comes to mind involved chimpanzees. Baby chimps were removed from their mothers and put in cages with two surrogate mothers. One was a cold, hard wire “mother” to which was strapped a bottle by which the babies were fed. The other “mother” offered no food, but was made of a soft, cuddly material the chimps could snuggle up to. Overwhelmingly the chimps preferred the soft, cuddly mother and would only leave “her” to briefly feed from the cold metal “mother.” Their need for emotional connection was not be by food, but by touch, just like with the orphans.

If you are finding yourself lacking in support, seek it out. Talk with persons you are comfortable deepening your relationship with to see if they are resources to meet this need. In the event the person you choose is unwilling or unable to provide it or to expand your relationship, don’t take it personally. It most likely has nothing to do with you and everything to do with them and their life situation. Keep searching until you find the support you are looking for.

I Am Grateful

By Blue Waters Publications

May

21

Gratitude is not only the greatest of virtues,

but the parent of all others.

Cicero

Recent research in the new field of positive psychology has proven that happiness is not just nice to feel but has important health, wealth and wisdom benefits as well.  We discussed a few weeks back that happy people have significantly better physical health than unhappy people. We can invest in our health by investing in our happiness.

New research is showing that happy people are also smarter and more creative than the alternative and that they have more stable and happier marriages. No great surprise there—who wants to live with an old grouch? Research is also showing that happier people have higher incomes and greater success in their work lives; wouldn’t you rather deal with a happy salesman or accountant? Happier people have also been shown to be more generous with both their time and money.

A recent study of survivors who were in the Twin Towers on September 11, 2001, showed that happiness also helps us bounce back from trauma. People who were happier before the attack tended to bounce back more quickly than those who were not. In addition, those survivors whose pre-attack happiness levels were lower developed symptoms of PTSD much more frequently. It would seem it would benefit all of us to cultivate greater happiness worldwide.

But how do we do that? The practice of gratitude has been shown to reduce depression and increase happiness in persons who use it. One of the most powerful ways to practice gratitude is the following:

  • Several times a week, or as often as it occurs to you, jot down three things that have happened in the past 24 hours that you feel good about and would like to see continue.
  • Next, jot down one or two things that you did that you feel were good, right, ethical or noble.
  • Then rate your feelings before and after this exercise from 0 (meaning down or depressed) to 10 (as happy and content as you can imagine being). Even if you were feeling low before you did this exercise, just recalling these positive experiences should increase your mood by several points.
  • Finally, jot down something that upset you in the past 24 hours. Then try to think of how this might be a positive thing in your life, or have a positive component. The old making lemonade out of lemons as Erma Bombeck used to say.
  • Again rate your feelings, first when you identified the upsetting event; and again after you searched for a positive aspect of it. Most people find they feel more empowered when looking for the positive and are more able to choose how to process or view the situation.

Doing this exercise over a period of time should increase your overall happiness level. It is also helpful to create a gratitude journal, writing this exercise in it so that you are able to look back on it as often as you desire. What a wonderful chronicle of the best things in your life and in you!

Be Creative!

By Blue Waters Publications

May

7

Smoky Mountains

“All children are artists.

The problem is how to remain an artist once he grows up.”

Pablo Picasso

Continuing on the discussion of our basic needs, which we started near the beginning of the blog and abandoned for other interests a few weeks back, I would like to pick up on the “C” or Creative needs that we all share. Human beings have a need to be creating on a regular basis. Most of us are not aware of this need and even fewer make it a regular practice.

Before you assume this is an impossible task, let me reassure you there are many different ways to be creative. Obviously the first things that leap to our minds seem impossible to accommodate in our only-too-busy lives: drawing, water color painting, playing a musical instrument and the like. These activities take a considerable amount of time, preparation and even space to accommodate on a regular basis.

However, there are far simpler ways to meet our creative needs. Obvious choices for many women tend to be craft or needlework projects that can be done in piecemeal fashion and as time allows. Cost of supplies is often minimal and skills are easily acquired.

Gardening is also very creative. Planning a garden, for either food or beauty, requires a certain amount of the artistry that Picasso discusses above. Also able to be done in bits and pieces as time allows, gardening can fit easily into most daily schedules.

Writing is creative as well. It matters not whether you are writing poetry, short stories, general fiction or simply journaling daily events for your eyes only, you are exercising your creativity when doing so. If you enjoy journaling, but feel like you can’t commit to a daily entry, not to worry. It need not be a daily event, but something you do at least once a week.

Other ways of expressing creativity include the way in which we decorate our house or apartment, how we dress ourselves or our children, the foods we make or bake for our families and many other tasks we undertake on a daily basis. For men, creativity abounds in woodworking or home remodeling projects and is often required in solving home repair or maintenance tasks.

Creativity, it seems, is easy to incorporate into our everyday lives and need not take up a great deal of time out of our day. Necessary to our health and well-being, easy to incorporate, inexpensive and helpful, let’s get our creative juices flowing. And, if you do have the time or inclination to paint watercolors or play music, go for it! It’s good for you!

I Choose Peace

By Blue Waters Publications

Apr

22

No person, place or thing can irritate or annoy me.

Today I choose peace.

Affirmation

Listening to people talk about negative emotions is instructive. Most often, they fail to take responsibility for their feelings. Train yourself to listen for comments such as, “He made me so mad!” and “She really annoyed me!” from yourself and from others. It may be easier for us to deny responsibility for our difficult emotions and find someone to blame them on. But it is disempowering! Don’t give your power away!

Think about it. When we absolve ourselves of any responsibility for our upsetness, we also give away our ability to rid ourselves of that state. Our calm and peace is then also in someone else’s hands. Take back your power and take charge of your emotions.

As we discussed before, when we get upset about something, it means something in our past, some wound in our psyche has been triggered. If we can identify what it is, we have the power to change it. We can identify that we are jealous because a former partner cheated on us making us insecure in a new relationship. We can then reassure ourselves that we have no reason to mistrust our new partner and we need to work on learning to relax into the relationship. It would also be helpful to talk with your new partner about these insecurities and where they come from and to acknowledge that this is an issue you, personally, need to work on. These are positive steps you can take to change your situation.

If, on the other hand, you blame your partner for wanting to spend time with friends on a given evening, rather than with you, which triggered your insecurity in the first place, you lose the opportunity to grow in the face of change. If that process continues, the relationship will probably either end or be a miserable experience, because your partner will either cheat (because you assume s/he will anyway) or leave (because s/he gets tired of being unjustly accused). In either case, you give up your power if you fail to take responsibility for your emotions.

It can be helpful to make some change in this area by using affirmations like the one at the beginning of this entry. Repeating to yourself the simple statement above, can help to soothe and reassure you, even in the face of an upsetting situation. The power is in your hands:

Choose Peace!

The Simple Life

By Blue Waters Publications

Apr

15

“Life is Simple and Easy“

I have this quotation on a card that I keep always visible on my desktop at the office. On the reverse, the explanation continues, “All that I need to know at any given moment is revealed to me. I trust myself and I trust life. All is well.”

These simple statements help to remind me that life is full of choices and there is no such thing as an incorrect one. When we are deciding whether to stay with our current position or take the new opportunity life has offered us, the choice we make will simply dictate our path for a period of time. One choice is not the “right one” and the other “wrong.” They are simply different. They will lead in different directions but can both be good choices for us.

If we are choosing between dating one person or another, that will obviously dictate different paths as well. If choosing to start a family or remain childless, again, both appropriate but very different lifestyle choices.

Often we get stuck when attempting to make a big decision because we assume the IS one right choice for us. That can immobilize us because it seems so daunting; we want to be sure not to make the wrong decision. It can take the pressure off if we simply remind ourselves that there are many right paths for each of us and we are simply deciding between two of them.

The message on the reverse reminds of another important point. Each of us has the information we need to make the best choices for ourselves if we but pay attention to it. We all have a gut instinct that we are often trained to ignore or tune out as we grow up. People who have avoided destructive relationships, poor investments and tragic outcomes often will say, “It sounded like a good idea, but something just didn’t feel right,” leading them against that choice.

We need to re-train ourselves to again pay attention to our instincts and intuition (and no, not only women have it, but women are often slightly more tuned into it than men) when making important decisions. Finally, if the choice you made, be it a job, a relationship, an investment, turns out not to be such a great one, you can always make another. This is obviously not so easy if the decision is to have a child, but in that case surround yourself with supportive persons who can help you out and get some training in parenting.

But by all means, do not avoid making a decision because it is frightening. We are all anxious about making the wrong choice at times. Neglecting to decide, however, IS a choice: the choice to give up your power and allow opportunities to pass us by. To be alive is to take risks. I prefer to live life by taking some chances, both good and bad. After all,

“A ship in the harbor is safe, but that is not what ships are meant for!”

To Forgive is Divine

By Blue Waters Publications

Apr

7

Taos Mountain

“When you hold resentment toward another,you are bound to that person or condition by an emotional link that is stronger than steel.

Forgiveness is the only way to dissolve that link and get free.”

Catherine Ponder

Often I find myself working with clients who are hurting or have been injured or wounded by another person or situation. Perhaps a partner has been unfaithful; or they are experiencing a difficult divorce; in other cases a parent or a child may have done something that seems unforgivable. It usually takes some time to convince them that the person we hurt the most when we refuse to forgive and move on is ourselves.

When we hold onto anger, hurt or a grudge against another person, we tie up a significant amount of energy that we are focusing on that person or relationship. To understand this more completely, take a potato and write on it the name of a person who has hurt you in some way. Do this for everyone or every situation you have never forgiven or gotten over. Include as many as you can remember: the former partner who had an affair, the spouse who filed for divorce, the illness that is affecting your life, the sibling that treated you unfairly, the schoolmate who harassed you years ago, the parent or child who is ungrateful. When you’re done, gather all of your potatoes and put them in a sack. Keep the sack with you at all times. Take it with you everywhere you go.

How long would it take for you to grow tired of carrying it, or for your potatoes to sprout, fester and smell? Imagine how nice it would be to be free from the constant reminder of hurt, heartache and anger? By hanging onto old hurts we create more anguish for ourselves. When you forgive someone, you free yourself from an oppressive load of negativity. Forgiveness allows you to create peace in your life.

Some people are reluctant to forgive because they feel that forgiveness requires them to forget about the hurt. That is not necessary. You may forget in time, or the memory may get a bit fuzzy, but all that is required for true forgiveness is a desire to let go of the need to be angry and vengeful toward another.

Others are reluctant to forgive because they think it means they are condoning what was done to them; approving the hurt they have suffered. Or that it means the other person was somehow “right” in what they did. Or because it means they now have to accept their new status, be it divorcee, single person or whatever. The reality is, you will have this new status whether or not you choose to accept it. You simply cause yourself and everyone around you much less grief if you don’t fight changes that occur for you by kicking and screaming every step of the way.

So take a few minutes and recall someone who has hurt you or a pain you have suffered. Call it to mind and feel it briefly. Then, holding that hurt in your mind and heart, repeat the following:

“(Name of offender), I forgive you. What you did wounded me deeply. That does not mean we haven’t loved each other (been close, had good time, whatever the nature of the relationship has been). Forgiving you means I no longer want or expect anything from you. You are free to go on your way as I am free to go on mine. You are forgiven and we are both free.”

You can maximize the effect of this process by doing something ceremonial as well: lighting a candle at the beginning and blowing it out at the end, or perhaps writing the words above on a piece of paper, reading them, then burning them when you are done, imagining the smoke is carrying away your pain and hurt. Be creative. You will know best what will help you become at peace with the situation.

If another person is involved, you do not have to tell the other person you have forgiven them for forgiveness to happen. This process is just for you, to help you let go of the energy you have tied up in being hurt and angry. If you are new to the forgiveness process, you may want to start with a smaller hurt and work up to the larger more painful ones. But it is worth the effort. The future will then be yours to create! You will be free to make the most of it, rather than be stuck in the past. I wish you peace!