I Am Terrific!

By Blue Waters Publications

Mar

5

“No one can make you feel inferior

without your consent.”

Eleanor Roosevelt

As we travel through our lives, we all encounter persons and situations that trigger negative feelings; inferiority is one of those feelings commonly set off by events outside of ourselves. It may be that the individual says or does something negative or critical towards us and we walk away feeling put down. Or, perhaps the person we encounter is so accomplished in many areas that we put ourselves down.

When you become aware of that reaction in yourself, I want you to remind yourself of Eleanor Roosevelt’s famous quote above. It is absolutely true. If we are happy and content with ourselves, it matters little what anyone else thinks about what we have, where we work, who we are with. It matters not how or what anyone else can do.

If feelings of inferiority are triggered by another’s behavior or comment, it signifies that we have misgivings about our choices that existed even prior to our contact with them. It is in that case, helpful to have them exposed so that we may hold them up to the light of day and examine them closely so we are making wise choices with our time here on earth.

For, if we are led to question the work we are doing by another’s comment, perhaps examining it more closely would trigger another avenue we wish to explore. If we become aware of some dissention or unhappiness in a relationship because another has pointed it out, this can lead us to re-examine the relationship for ourselves. If there are issues, we can then bring them out into the open so they may be discussed and resolved. Or perhaps we will decide the relationship is no longer working for us. If another’s remark makes us realize we truly want to have a certain possession, it can cause us to explore why that item is so important to us. If the reason is valid, we can then outline an approach to attain it. In any case, becoming aware of this unhappiness is a benefit, a gift.

Comments and actions from others can also trigger issues that remain unresolved from our past. If self esteem or its opposite, a sense of inferiority, has been an issue for you throughout your life, this recognition could put you in a position to change that. Seek out a therapist specializing in self esteem work or do some reading on the issue by yourself.

A simple starting point is to list 25 positive qualities you possess. You may need to think long and hard about this but it is best if you come up with them yourself, rather than relying on others to do so. Think about genuine compliments people have paid you. Think about skills or gifts you possess in your interactions with others. Write them down. If you get stuck, put it away for a few days, then pull it out and it may be easier to complete. If all else fails, go ahead and ask someone close to you for a few ideas, but before you do, put some true effort into completing it yourself.

Keep your list in a safe place. Add to it whenever you think of a new quality. Then, whenever your feelings of inferiority are triggered, and you ascertain it is not due to unhappiness with your current situation that you can change, pull out your list and read it over. Read it several times. Let those wonderful words sink it; ponder them. Just appreciating the wonderful, special individual that you are should help you feel a bit better, your day a bit brighter.

I frequently use this exercise with clients. Inevitably they will refer to the Saturday Night Live segment with the actor affirming himself by saying something like, “I’m good enough, I’m smart enough and by golly people like me!” While this is an extreme caricature of what I am suggesting, it does bring a smile to the face, which is valuable in itself. Just check my previous blog on the power of a smile below…

Nothin’ But A Smile…

By Blue Waters Publications

Feb

26

“Thousands of candles can be lit from a single candle,

and the life of the candle will not be shortened.

Happiness never decreases by being shared.”

Buddha (Hindu Prince Gautama Siddharta)

In the movie “Six Degrees of Separation” the premise is that everyone in the world is only six people away from knowing or having a connection to everyone else. The popular game, “Six Degrees of Kevin Bacon,” is based on a similar idea. But recent research by a pair of British social scientists, published in The British Medical Journal has put forth a new twist on that theory: “Three Degrees of Connection.”

The pair used statistical analysis of thousands of participants and their research has shown that happiness actually spreads from person to person up to three connections away. For example, according to Nicholas Christakis, MD, a medical sociology professor at Harvard Medical School, if a friend of a friend of a friend becomes happier, “it ripples through the network and affects you, even if you don’t know that [first] person.”

In its simplest form, it may be something as remote as your friend’s friend’s friend being in a good mood and helping your friend’s friend be more cheerful, which affects your friend, which makes you happier when you are around her as well. After all, who doesn’t feel better being around someone who is happy, rather than an old grouch?

Proximity is a factor. For example, according to the research, a happy sibling who is only a mile away can increase your probability of happiness by up to 14 percent while a friend who is closer can increase it by 25 percent. A neighbor has the power to increase your probability of happiness by 34 percent—so be nice to those new neighbors that just moved in, they could have the power to really make you smile.

Christakis also notes that this effect also applies to smoking and obesity. His research has shown that when one person quits smoking or loses weight, others around him follow suit. While this is no basis upon which to choose your friends, it is food for thought!

This does not mean that you are powerless over your mood or that your happiness is always in someone else’s hands. We do create our own happiness with our thoughts and expectations. But it is easier to think more positive thoughts when in the proximity of people who are happy. We have all had the experience of having a bad day and coming in contact with someone, often a total stranger, who gives us a bright smile for no explicable reason.  All of a sudden our troubles just seem to melt away. The world doesn’t seem as dark; the challenges we are facing, not as overwhelming.

We can choose to BE that mood change for others as well. One benefit is that when we “act as if” we feel a certain way (happy, positive, motivated, etc.) we eventually will start to feel that way. Happiness is a state of mind. So by acting happy, we should start feeling better. But we also will have an effect on those around us. We will become that stranger that smiles at someone having a bad day and thereby help to brighten her day.

Further, smiling is a habit. With the state of the economy and all the problems we hear about every day, it is easy to fall out of that habit of smiling. But you can re-train yourself as well. Another group of researchers has concluded that if we merely devote five minutes a day to smiling—consciously smiling–after a short time, it will soon become a habit and a more automatic behavior. The whole world will be brighter as a result! I think it’s worth the effort. I can certainly afford the five minutes; can’t you? What do you have to lose?

Happy Birthday Kate! Sending a smile your way…XXOO ; )

A Humbling Experience

By Blue Waters Publications

Feb

21

Mountain View

I’m meant to seek God in the high mountain tops;

the message finally got through the static;

a building just won’t suffice…

Ryan Berry

I was reading my son’s Facebook page the other day (yes, I do that too!) when the above quotation caught my eye. I located him in the family room watching the Olympics and asked where he had found that quote. “Why?” he asked, a bit suspicious. “Because I love it! I think it’s terrific! It’s exactly how I feel about the mountains.” He glanced down, looking a bit sheepish but trying hard to control the grin on his face and answered, “I made it up.”

I was blown away. My son had put into words,  so succinctly and powerfully, something I had felt and I’m supposed to be the writer! But this is exactly what I was referring to the other day when we were talking about spirituality and finding something that impresses upon you that sense of connectedness to all things. The mountains do it for me, and apparently, for Ryan.

For others it is the water; looking out over a calm lake or a stormy sea makes them feel at one with the world. Some find it in the falling snow; watching the individual snowflakes that make up a blizzard engenders that sense of oneness for them.  Still others feel most spiritually connected when walking through a forest, perhaps hunting or jogging or even snowshoeing. It can also be found in the midst of a city, but for many, there are too many distractions to find peace and connection there—though it is possible.

As we said before, each of us needs to find a way to create and enhance that sense of spiritual connectedness. For me it is in the mountains, and sometimes the forest. If you are struggling to find that for yourself, you might think about asking your children when they feel it. Their answers might just surprise—and humble—you. Thanks Ryan.

Move It or Lose It!

By Blue Waters Publications

Feb

17

Cross country ski trail

If you don’t move your body,

your brain thinks you’re dead

I found this quote on an affirmation card purchased from a website (www.hayhouse.com) that offers many varieties of such cards for the support and encouragement of individual change. Continuing on our theme of Basic Needs that we started with the last post, I would like to address “Physical” needs next and think this is an intriguing way to do so.

We have many different physical needs as human beings. Some of the most obvious are food, clothing, shelter, air and sleep. I like to tell my clients that they should think of their bodies as a vehicle to get them where they need to be and to care for it in much the same manner. If we put good rich fuel in our cars, they will perform at their optimum level. The same is true with our bodies.

We can fill up on junk food, but won’t get the same response as if we consume good nutritious fruits, vegetables and proteins, foods that are rich in the vitamins and minerals we need to function at our optimum level. Think of this when deciding on a meal or a snack. Ask the question, “Will this help me or hurt me?” when choosing what to eat. You may find that more often than not you will make healthier choices.

Sleep is another important physical need. The average person needs 7-8 hours of sleep every night to be at her best. While some get away with less than that and others need still more, most of us do reasonably well with that amount. It is easiest for your body when it can predict when it will get that rest. Your body will function best if you have a regular pattern of sleeping and waking times. Even in the event of a job loss or layoff, it is best if you go to bed at your regular time and rise at or near the time you would wake when working. This is especially true in times of stress, and isn’t the loss of a job a most stressful time? You will function better if your body gets its rest at, and for, the regular time.

But the physical need I want to focus on today is exercise. When I ask clients about this, many of them (especially the men) tell me “I get all the exercise I need at work!” While you may move around at work and be on your feel all day, you are not getting what you need or what I mean by exercise. You need to raise your heart rate so you are getting an aerobic workout and it must remain increased for a period of at least 20-25 minutes. The recommendation used to be that we do this 3-4 times per week. In the last few years, that recommendation by those in the know who study health and aging have increased that to 5-7 days per week, even for the average person.

This doesn’t mean you need to run every day for a half hour. You can achieve a sufficient increase in your heart rate simply by walking, but it needs to be just about daily and for about 30 minutes. If you don’t move regularly, your body begins to tighten up; muscles start to atrophy. We lose any conditioning we may have achieved previously. We will have more aches and pains and more physical problems if we are not moving regularly.

You will also find that this practice helps you mentally and emotionally as much as physically. When we are active, our brain releases endorphins—the “feel-good” chemicals that give us the sense that life is good and any challenges we face are manageable. In short, our mood tends to improve when we are working out.

And, if you need any inspiration, now is the perfect time to get inspired! Watching even one event or one night of the Olympic performances that are happening over the next two weeks can inspire even the most sluggish and lethargic of us. Most of us aren’t born with the natural ability and simply don’t have the training to perform at that level, but we can go out cross country skiing or snowshoeing or get ourselves out for a walk.

Who can help but be inspired when we hear the stories of these athletes who have put in many hours of practice and training for their two to four minutes or two to four hours of participating in the Olympic Games in hope of a medal? Stories like that can inspire each of us to heave ourselves off the couch and get out for a walk. What do you have to lose? As Nike says, “Just do it!”

Finding a Spiritual Connection

By Blue Waters Publications

Feb

12

A walk in the forest

“Nature abhors a vacuum,

and if I can only walk with sufficient carelessness

I am sure to be filled.”

Henry David Thoreau

In the first post on this blog, we discussed the importance of taking care of ourselves and finding ways to meet our needs. There are many different ways of talking about needs we all have as human beings, but my favorite format is the one below:

BASIC NEEDS:

Spiritual                        Physical

Social                                              Intellectual

Emotional                     Creative

“SPICES”

I like this format because it really covers the basics and is easy to remember. If you start if the upper left hand corner of the circle with “Spiritual”, the first letter of each “need” spells the word “spices”. That way, if you can remember the word “Spices”, you can take stock several times a week to make sure you are meeting each of your basic needs  without carrying around a piece of paper to remind you. You should be meeting each need at about the same level and doing something at least once a week (more depending on the need) to satisfy. It doesn’t matter how well you are meeting some of your needs, if you are not attending to all of them in some manner, you will still be out of balance and under stress.

In this blog I want to focus on the first, or spiritual, need. It is surprising to many that the need for spirituality is basic to all of us. This is essentially our need for connectedness; the need to feel connected to something greater than ourselves. Some call this a connection with God; others refer to it as a higher power. Still others just have a sense of that connectedness to all things, people or beings of any kind. However you define it, this need must be met regularly.

Many people find they are able to meet their spiritual need best by practicing some form of organized religion. Perhaps it is the religion and belief system they were raised with; perhaps it is the faith practiced by their partner or other love one. But for those persons, attending mass or church services helps them feel that connection.

Others have difficulty feeling connected this way in a cathedral filled with people. Church services may leave them feeling cold or personally unaffected. These persons must find another way to meet their spiritual need or suffer the consequences.

Luckily, there are many ways to satisfy this task. Some persons practice medication or some form of guided imagery. Yoga can be a spiritual practice, as can tai chi and other forms of meditative movement.  Still other persons find they feel spiritually connected through having some contact with nature. Walking through a forest, climbing a mountain peak, watching the snow fall or seeing waves crashing on a shore can instill a strong sense of connection with all of the earth.

My family and I are members of the Catholic faith. When we are at home, we attend church services at our parish on Sunday evenings. However, when we are traveling or spending time at our cabin, which is situated in the midst of a forest, it is the natural approach we take to our spirituality. In fact, many of our travels take place in our RV, which means that we are more often than not spending days and nights away from home surrounded by nature in one part of this country or another. We find that this fills us, as Thoreau indicates in the quote above.

If you are at a loss for how to meet your need for a spiritual connection, consider spending some time out in nature. Taking a walk in a nearby park or visiting a local lakeshore can suffice.  It needn’t be a long journey, this quest for connection, but when you are looking to expand your horizons a bit further, consider spending a night in a campground or national forest.

This does not have to be an expensive proposition or undertaking. In fact, it can be incredibly affordable. Tents can be rented or even purchased inexpensively and a campsite for an evening can run as little as $10. Your only other cost is your gasoline to get to your destination, which you may have anyway driving around town on the weekend.

But the peace you will achieve from your time away is priceless. We have stayed in some of the most beautiful natural surroundings that have found both peace and connectedness there. So whether you belong to and practice a form of organized religion, some other type of spiritual practice or have neglected your spiritual needs in recent weeks and months, any of us can benefit from being in nature.

If you are at a loss for where to start, I invite you to check out another blog to which I contribute: http://blog.woodalls.com.  Reading these entries will give you many ideas about where to go and what to do when you get there. Happy connecting!

Worry No More!

By Blue Waters Publications

Feb

10

View of Great Smoky Mountains

“I am an old man and have known a great many troubles—but most of them never happened.”

Mark Twain

Worry is the most unproductive of all activities. When we obsess about a potential problem coming to pass, we are not accomplishing anything other than to make ourselves miserable. Worry cannot change the outcome and only causes us distress, often to the point of exhaustion.

Many people worry when they lay their heads down to sleep at night. The reason this tends to be a difficult time is that while you are up and moving around, your thoughts are often occupied by the activities you must accomplish before you rest and relax. When you lay down to rest, your mind is most often quieter, thus allowing space and opportunity for the worrisome thoughts to rise to the surface.

A good technique to quell these worrisome thoughts is something we call “thought-stopping.” Before going to bed, think of the most wonderful memory you can recall. Be specific in recalling every detail of this event. Get all of your senses involved. If it was a beach vacation, feel the hot sun on your face, hear the waves lapping at the shore, taste the cool drink you were sipping and so on.

Then, when you lay down to sleep and your troublesome thoughts emerge, mentally tell them to “STOP!” It often helps to imagine a light switch in your brain that you are switching to the “Off” position to stop your worries. Immediately after doing so, mentally take yourself back to the wonderful memory you had pre-selected. Recall all of the sensations you had evoked in your earlier visit to this event.

It is impossible for your brain to go in two directions at once. If you are able to stay “in” the memory, you will be unable to return to your worries. Practice helps and this process gets easier with time. Be vigilant in squelching those worrisome thoughts. They do not help you. When they try to return, just repeat the process again.

As a therapist, another technique I teach my “worriers”, and there are many, is to make a list in a notebook of all of the things you are worried about today. Put the list away for 30 days, then pull it out and look it over. Cross out all the troubles that never came to pass. Chances are you will cross out most of what you wrote. This can help you stop worrisome thoughts in the future, realizing it is just a waste of your time and your energy! Sweet dreams!

The Future is Mine To Create!

By Blue Waters Publications

Feb

7

“The ancestor of every action is a thought”

Ralph Waldo Emerson

Many clients who come into therapy believe that impulsive actions they take occur automatically, without choice on their part. If that were true, we would have no ability to make changes in our behavior. Likewise, when we believe this is the case, we give our power to change away to the winds of fate.

We have all known people who have made amazing changes in their lives, just through the process of deciding to do so: the friend who quit smoking, the relative who left an unhealthy relationship, the neighbor who quit using alcohol to excess. Perhaps we, ourselves, have made some amazing changes in our lives. These are just primary examples of what we know to be true.

Anything we do is preceded by a thought, which is the decision or impetus for the action. If I quit my job, I can let myself believe it was a spontaneous reaction to an unsatisfactory evaluation or criticism by my supervisor, but before I speak to my boss, I have entertained the thought of resigning.

This is true on a much smaller level as well. If I snap at my partner or child, I have had a thought that that response is necessary or appropriate. I can let myself believe I was just stressed and the reaction was spontaneous, but in reality it was based on a thought which led to and justified the behavior.

These thoughts can pass very quickly, with the speed of light, so fast that we may have no recollection of thinking them, especially if we are not aware of this process. But before they result in an action, the thought has inhabited your mind.

This is incredibly empowering information! This is the good news! This means that if we want to change our actions, we need only change our thoughts! If we believe we can accomplish something, we can. But if, on the other hand, we are certain we will fail, we will most certainly do that as well. Our future is in our hands! Or, in our thoughts!

Hello world!

By Blue Waters Publications

Feb

2

2009Door County 007

Welcome to the Blue Waters Publications Blog! I am excited about this opportunity to share some thoughts with anyone who will read them and will attempt to provide information that is both interesting and helpful.

Helen Keller once said,

“Life is either a great adventure or it is nothing!”

As a writer and a therapist, I generally reach people one at a time. This blog is an opportunity to reach large numbers of people with information I consider essential and helpful for all of us to live life to the fullest. Join me as I embark on our new adventure!

As a therapist, I am a firm believer in self-care and that is typically the place I start with new clients. Very often we are unhappy, frustrated, lonely (fill in the blank here with any negative feeling or emotion) because our needs are not being met. But the primary responsibility for meeting those needs lies with us. It is not selfish or narcissistic to focus on your needs—just healthy.

Nor can you rely on a partner, friend, parent or pet to meet those needs for you. If you do you will end up disappointed and, most likely, alone. No, dear reader, the responsibility is yours and yours alone.

To that end, I hope to give you some ideas or options in the days and weeks to come to consider for how best to identify what you need and how to get those needs met. You are likely to read some things you may never have thought about or considered, and be faced with some ideas that may seem foreign or strange to you.

This exploration is a healthy thing, however. If I filled this blog with what you already knew or had heard 1000 times, I would be wasting your time. You are here for a challenge; something to help you push the envelope. Enjoy our adventure!