“If you don’t know where you are going

how can you expect to get there?”

Basil S. Walsh

Never having been a fan of the word “resolution,” which sounds too much like a demand or requirement, a family tradition has evolved over the years that leaves us with more positive and optimistic feelings. Each year we spend the week between Christmas and New Year’s up at our little cabin in the north woods. Over the last few days of the year, each of us is making a list of the things we have accomplished over the past twelve months and setting several goals for the New Year.

We compile these goals and achievements into a single document and then, after we eat dinner on New Year’s Eve, we sit in a circle in our sunroom, hopefully watching the snow gently falling on the white pines, and read them aloud in two parts. No one reads their own, however. Each child first reads the accomplishments of the next oldest child, then I read Terry’s and he reads those of our youngest child, who is now 18. The hope is that by reading achievements of someone slightly older but close in age, each will be inspired for the New Year.

Next we move on to the goals, in the same manner. It is always a pleasant and somewhat surprising experience to become aware of how many things each of us has accomplished over the past twelve months and encouraging and inspiring to hear what each hopes to achieve in the upcoming year. We generally finish the evening by playing board games, then watching the ball drop on Times’ Square. The tradition provides a nice closing touch to the old year and a hopeful start to the new one.

Achievements and goals vary from the practical and down-to-earth to those harder to quantify. What qualifies is up to the individual and his or her perceptions of what they feel good about and hope to achieve. One year a very practical achievement that was important to me was, “We now have only one baby in (cloth) diapers!” Other practical achievements have included “I worked out six days a week throughout the year” and “I dropped that last five pounds.” For the kids, achievements have included “Making the A Honor roll,” “Being selected for drumline in pep band,” “Getting a part in the play,” and “Being accepted to a college” of choice.

Goals for the New Year are often harder to measure. Some get added every year and become continuing goals for us to work on. One that has appeared for nearly 20 years is that of “Being good parents to our children, being gentle and understanding with them and imparting good values, helping them to become responsible and productive citizens of the world in which we live.” A bit lofty, perhaps, but a worthwhile objective nonetheless!

It does not matter what your goals and achievements are. What matters is that at some time during the year, be it New Year’s Eve as it is for us, or on your birthday or some other significant date, you sit down and take stock. You look to the past, then look to the future, seeing from whence you have come and setting your sights on where you want to go. Our quote above is true—we must know where we want to go to actually arrive there.

Remember, as Lewis Carroll said,

“If you don’t know where you’re going,

Any road will get you there.”

Rather, for each of you, my New Year’s wish or suggestion is, as Pamela Vaull Starr said rather eloquently, to

“Reach high, for stars lie hidden in your soul.

Dream deep, for every dream precedes the goal.”

So set your sights high, choose your path and proceed, full speed ahead! There may be challenges or impediments in your path, but you may surprise yourself and achieve some truly great and amazing things! What do you have to lose, other than the next twelve months of your life? Happy New Year!

One who makes no mistakes

never makes anything

Anonymous

I like this quote but want to qualify one word in it: mistakes. Obviously the quote is intended to mean that if we risk or attempt nothing, so that we don’t make any “mistakes” we essentially become trapped or immobilized by our fear of failing. True, we do not fall on our faces, but neither do we achieve great things. Our lives are controlled by this fear and we accomplish little.

The reason I would qualify the word “mistakes” is that often something may appear to be an error when it is in fact simply a choice or event that turns out differently than we had planned. I can relate to this as my life is filled with examples and choices that one could view as mistakes, but I see them differently.

One of my first such “mistakes” was the decision to attend law school. Thousands of dollars and several years of work experience later, I came to the conclusion that I really wasn’t happy or fulfilled practicing law. As many women find, there is little satisfying emotional contact with the clients when working as an attorney. After much thought, soul-searching and a stint selling furniture to have some time to think and figure out my next step, I decided to pursue my initial goal of becoming a social worker. I completed graduate school and have been extremely fulfilled by my second career for many years. I do, however, use the knowledge and skills I learned in law school every day. While some may view it as a mistake, I have never regretted that choice as it has played an important part in the person and therapist I have become.

My second alleged mistake could be considered my first marriage. He and I met in high school and married several years later. We were together for 8 years when our daughter was born. A year or so later, he became involved in an affair and left me. I was emotionally devastated; this was the most difficult experience I have ever endured. Yet it made me stronger. And it gave me an amazing and beautiful daughter. And for many years we had fun together; in many ways we grew up together.

It is true that the marriage didn’t last, but perhaps it was not meant to; perhaps it was only meant to be a chapter in my life, not the beginning and the end. And this experience, both the marriage and the divorce, became a part of the person I have become. I find myself working with many clients experiencing divorce. I believe I have a unique perspective because I know how it feels. And many wonderful opportunities have appeared for me since that marriage ended; choices I would not have had had my husband not left. For those, also, I am grateful.

I have recently had another such “mistake” happen in my life. As many of you know, I love to write. I write books, blogs, travel articles and I journal regularly. Every day I write something. I was looking about for a new writing opportunity; a new challenge, when I happened upon a book company seeking writers to complete books that were partially written. I applied to write one of the three books available at the time: The Complete Guide to Building Barns and Outbuildings. While it is true that I have never built a barn, I have helped my husband build several outbuildings and we completed all of the finishing work on a log cabin shell we had constructed on our land near Eagle River. We are a very hands-on couple. And we have been talking about building a larger structure to house our camper and kayak on that same property.

I applied and was accepted and promised payment of $1400 for the 65,000 word book. Over the past 6 weeks, in addition to working full time, celebrating my son’s high school graduation and being a wife and mother, I have invested nearly 100 hours researching, writing and editing this book. I submitted my first 20,000 words several weeks ago and received back several hundred requested edits for this material. I made the edits and re-submitted the work a week later, again ahead of my deadline. The first payment, $420, would not be paid until this first segment was accepted and edited to the project manager’s satisfaction.

After I sent it off a second time, I began working on the second 20,000 words. I had completed over 17,000 additional words, so essentially 2/3 of the book was written, when I received the edited portion back again, with 100 or more new edits requested. Edits that I was expected to make, not that the editor had made or changed; I was expected to  go through and re-re-write this same section of the book again. When I have worked with editors in the past, they would typically edit the material to their satisfaction, not ask me to do that work as well. Further, these were edits that had not been identified the first time I had received that material back; they were new changes being requested for the first time.

At that point, after reviewing the mass of new edits required and having invested the nearly 100 hours already with no compensation, I decided that my time was worth more than what I would receive if I stuck with this project through completion. The terms of this arrangement, that I would be expected to both write and edit my own work, doing essentially two jobs while being paid, nominally, for only one, was not something that I understood would be expected of me at the outset. Seeing what was in front of me, I decided my time would be better spent on other projects that would be more satisfying and fulfilling than spending my summer re-writing the same material.

But was it a mistake to undertake the project? I think not. I see it as a great experience; a marvelous adventure! For one thing, I know that if I chose, I could complete this job and do it well. I also have had the opportunity to undertake a very intense 6 week course of study in the design and construction of barns and outbuildings—something I would not have done if I was not in the position of having to write the book. And, though I had to return my research materials provided by the company, I am left with a nearly completed manual, written in my own words, on how to build a variety of such structures. My husband and I have also had a number of conversations about the type, size and style of structure we want to build on our property and I am now confident we can build it. True, I received no financial compensation for this effort. But I received something greater: knowledge and experience.

While this could be another mistake, I consider it, like the others, an opportunity that did not turn out as expected. But what in life does? And if I had never taken the risk, in the first place I would never have learned what I now know—about myself as well as how to build a barn!

“Life is Simple and Easy“

I have this quotation on a card that I keep always visible on my desktop at the office. On the reverse, the explanation continues, “All that I need to know at any given moment is revealed to me. I trust myself and I trust life. All is well.”

These simple statements help to remind me that life is full of choices and there is no such thing as an incorrect one. When we are deciding whether to stay with our current position or take the new opportunity life has offered us, the choice we make will simply dictate our path for a period of time. One choice is not the “right one” and the other “wrong.” They are simply different. They will lead in different directions but can both be good choices for us.

If we are choosing between dating one person or another, that will obviously dictate different paths as well. If choosing to start a family or remain childless, again, both appropriate but very different lifestyle choices.

Often we get stuck when attempting to make a big decision because we assume the IS one right choice for us. That can immobilize us because it seems so daunting; we want to be sure not to make the wrong decision. It can take the pressure off if we simply remind ourselves that there are many right paths for each of us and we are simply deciding between two of them.

The message on the reverse reminds of another important point. Each of us has the information we need to make the best choices for ourselves if we but pay attention to it. We all have a gut instinct that we are often trained to ignore or tune out as we grow up. People who have avoided destructive relationships, poor investments and tragic outcomes often will say, “It sounded like a good idea, but something just didn’t feel right,” leading them against that choice.

We need to re-train ourselves to again pay attention to our instincts and intuition (and no, not only women have it, but women are often slightly more tuned into it than men) when making important decisions. Finally, if the choice you made, be it a job, a relationship, an investment, turns out not to be such a great one, you can always make another. This is obviously not so easy if the decision is to have a child, but in that case surround yourself with supportive persons who can help you out and get some training in parenting.

But by all means, do not avoid making a decision because it is frightening. We are all anxious about making the wrong choice at times. Neglecting to decide, however, IS a choice: the choice to give up your power and allow opportunities to pass us by. To be alive is to take risks. I prefer to live life by taking some chances, both good and bad. After all,

“A ship in the harbor is safe, but that is not what ships are meant for!”