Our Last Weekend in Town

By Blue Waters Publications

May

15

The kids’ first weekend back in Manitowoc was indeed a busy one as it would be our last weekend in Manitowoc before our move. Thus, there were a number of items on our agenda. Our first stop was at the office building to pick up a few remaining pieces of furniture and to have Ryan and Terry take down the Blue Waters Family Counseling sign. Seeing it come down marks the end of an era.

Taking down the sign

After we complete these tasks, it is off to Shopko for some toiletries for the kids and a Mother’s Day card for my mother. We make another trip to Good Will, pack a few more boxes at the house, then come back to the house for more packing. The kids decide to attend their last Masquer’s performance, The Sound of Music.

It is done

The next morning, Terry and I are up early packing as the kids sleep in. I spend several hours packing with a box perched on “my” chair in the dining room, before we need a break and run another load of stuff to Good Will. When we return, I notice a large bouquet of beautiful flowers on the dining room table in a vase, just inches from where I had been packing. Assuming the kids put them there while we were gone, I went upstairs to thank them. When I asked Ryan when they had put them on the table, he responded, “Last night when we came home!” Apparently I am not the most observant mom in the world!

Mother's Day Flowers and Cards

This will be our last (at least for the present time) Mother’s Day in Manitowoc. We plan to meet my mother, sister and her family for lunch at the Club Bilmar in the afternoon to celebrate the day. In addition to her card and gift, I give my mom a small Russian Sage plant. These bloom large and all summer and fall in Taos. They are prolific and just the sight of one makes me feel like I am there. I wanted to give her one to plant in her garden; a little piece of New Mexico to help her feel close to us. However, I am told in Wisconsin they do not bloom until fall, so all I can find are tiny seedlings. Still, much like our life in New Mexico, it will grow and take shape in time.

We return home and pack more, then decide to head to Luigis Italian Restaurant for a last meal there. Luigi’s has marked many celebrations in our family. It was where we held our 10 year anniversary celebration, first Communion luncheons for the kids, family graduations dinners before the actual graduation party and, last June, Kate and Nate’s rather hastily arranged bridal shower. It is only fitting that we find time to celebrate one more meal there.

Mother's Day Lunch

In the evening, we wind down and settle in, a bit uncomfortable in a home in which several key pieces of furniture have been removed and walls of boxes grace nearly every room. But happy we will all get to be here together for the last week once Kate arrives from California on Wednesday.

An Attitude of Gratitude

By Blue Waters Publications

Nov

18

“Gratitude makes sense of our past, brings peace for today, and creates a vision for tomorrow.”

Anonymous

In preparation for our celebration of giving thanks next Thursday, and for writing this post, I began last week to think about things I am grateful for. While I had never personally made a list of such things before, I have suggested this exercise to clients who were having difficulty appreciating the gifts they have. I have also read and heard quite a bit about the benefits of doing so. So for the past seven days, I have made a list each day of 10 or more things for which I am grateful. Not only was it helpful in writing this post, it was personally enlightening as well.

What I learned is that I have much to be grateful for. While it is easy to complain and bemoan the trials and tribulations in our lives, once you shift your focus, it can also be quite simple to come up with a number of things for which we are thankful. And that change in focus can make all the difference in the world in your attitude.

While there were the occasional material items that appeared on my list, I found that relationships figured most prominently; my husband, my children, my friends, my canine children. Yes, these relationships took center stage in my musings and it became very apparent to me how many times a day I think of them and how much I truly appreciate and depend on them. From the children who, through no effort of mine have become wonderful young people whose company I truly enjoy, to my husband who helps me out and shows he cares in more ways than I can count, to friends who step in precisely when they are needed, to three puppies who are always happy to see me even when I come home crabby, their names figure prominently and daily in my list.

I have also realized that this is a practice that I plan to continue, perhaps not on a daily basis, but at least several times a week. It has made me a kinder, gentler more appreciative wife, mother and friend and these are qualities I want to cultivate in myself. Especially in this time of unemployment and shortfall, it is important to prevent our lives from being overrun with negativity. I have written in the past about the importance of being positive. There is no better way to do so that to truly appreciate all that we have and those special to us.

If you have never done a gratitude exercise such as this one, there is no better time than the present. Give it a try and really invest yourself in the exercise. It is very easy to get hung up on the “Yes, but…” scenario—work to avoid trying to dismiss your gratefulness by qualifying your statements. Especially if you have recently experienced a loss or downturn, you have probably spent a great deal of time focusing on the negative in your life. Make the effort to turn your attention to the things for which you are thankful. It will most likely make a wonderful difference in your attitude and can help you get into the perfect frame of mind to celebrate this special time of year. And, according to the theory that we draw to ourselves that upon which we focus, it may even bring to you more of what you want. It’s worth a shot, even if all you get is a more positive attitude!

Wishing to all a blessed and peaceful Thanksgiving.

I Am Responsible for My Own Emotions

By Blue Waters Publications

Sep

9

Happiness is not having what you want but

wanting what you have.

Anonymous

The above quote is a tall order, as it seems the grass is always greener on the other side of the fence. Especially with the media and commercialism we are surrounded by today, it seems we are always being told that to be happy we should acquire more “things”—the newest cell phone, a fancier car, a larger home. These possessions cannot make us happy.

Another famous quote along the same lines by another wise but anonymous author is that most people “are generally about as happy as they make up their minds to be.” These quotes eloquently illustrate a concept that many of us are uncomfortable with or resistant to: that we are each responsible for our own emotions.

Many people resist accepting this concept because it lays all blame and responsibility for our moods on our own shoulders. Often, when we allow ourselves to become angry, upset or unhappy, we search for someone else to blame. It feels better to blame someone we feel is “at fault” or who has “screwed up” that to look in the mirror for the cause of our negative feelings. The most likely target for our ire and blame is typically someone close to us. Those closest to us are often the ones that see us at our worst for two reasons: 1) we feel safe to really be ourselves and to let ourselves go when we are with them and 2) we often feel that they would never leave or turn their backs on us, even when they see us at our worst. This then becomes the setup for our “blame-game.”

Rather than making us actually feel better, however, it gives power and control over our emotions to someone who is unable to fix or change them. Often the more a loved one tries to placate or appease us, the more frustrated and angry we get. This is because we have given our power away to a source that cannot make it better. We expend our energy in the wrong direction and do not feel any better for it. We must each recognize the responsibility lies solely within us and we are the only ones who can make ourselves feel better or appreciate what we have.

There is a Native American folk tale that illustrates this concept very succinctly. It reads:

A grandfather explains to his grandson that he has two wolves inside him. One wolf fills him with hope and reminds him how wonderful his life is, and the other fills him with doubt and convinces him that nothing is worth the effort. The grandson asks, concerned for his grandfather, “Which wolf will win?” The grandfather replies, “Whichever one I feed.”

Remember, the only person who can keep you happy and satisfied is YOU!

We Need to Connect

By Blue Waters Publications

Jun

3

A good friend is a connection to life—

a tie to the past, a road to the future, the key to sanity in a totally insane world.

Lois Wyse

To meet our emotional needs, we need to be connecting with other living beings. We need to give and receive affection, and to talk with others about feelings, hopes, dreams, thoughts and feelings. We need to be giving and getting regular hugs, knowing we are important to someone or something and that we have emotional support from some source when we need it.

Continuing on our exploration of basic needs, the “E” or emotional needs follows the creative needs we most recently discussed. Ideally we get this emotional connection through a number of sources. We hope we have it with our partners if we are in an intimate relationship. We can also get it from our children, parents and other family members, depending on their age and availability. Friends and co-workers may provide a great deal of this support as well.

We are not just talking about human beings, however. Pets can contribute a great deal to our emotional well-being. After all, who else is just thrilled to see you every day when you walk in the door, no matter what mood you’re in or whether you’ve had onions for lunch? Who else has waited all day just to plant a big sloppy kiss on your face?

There is some interesting research that documents the need for emotional connection with other beings. One study was done with babies in an orphanage in Romania during World War I. The babies’ physical needs were superbly met. They were contained in clean cribs and fed and changed meticulously, but they were never held. The only time they came in contact with humans and were touched was the few minutes when they were changed or bathed. They were fed by means of a bottle propped up near their heads. Even though the babies were clean, safe and adequately nourished, they were dying one by one, until someone figured out they were dying from the lack of human contact.

The second study that comes to mind involved chimpanzees. Baby chimps were removed from their mothers and put in cages with two surrogate mothers. One was a cold, hard wire “mother” to which was strapped a bottle by which the babies were fed. The other “mother” offered no food, but was made of a soft, cuddly material the chimps could snuggle up to. Overwhelmingly the chimps preferred the soft, cuddly mother and would only leave “her” to briefly feed from the cold metal “mother.” Their need for emotional connection was not be by food, but by touch, just like with the orphans.

If you are finding yourself lacking in support, seek it out. Talk with persons you are comfortable deepening your relationship with to see if they are resources to meet this need. In the event the person you choose is unwilling or unable to provide it or to expand your relationship, don’t take it personally. It most likely has nothing to do with you and everything to do with them and their life situation. Keep searching until you find the support you are looking for.

I Am Grateful

By Blue Waters Publications

May

21

Gratitude is not only the greatest of virtues,

but the parent of all others.

Cicero

Recent research in the new field of positive psychology has proven that happiness is not just nice to feel but has important health, wealth and wisdom benefits as well.  We discussed a few weeks back that happy people have significantly better physical health than unhappy people. We can invest in our health by investing in our happiness.

New research is showing that happy people are also smarter and more creative than the alternative and that they have more stable and happier marriages. No great surprise there—who wants to live with an old grouch? Research is also showing that happier people have higher incomes and greater success in their work lives; wouldn’t you rather deal with a happy salesman or accountant? Happier people have also been shown to be more generous with both their time and money.

A recent study of survivors who were in the Twin Towers on September 11, 2001, showed that happiness also helps us bounce back from trauma. People who were happier before the attack tended to bounce back more quickly than those who were not. In addition, those survivors whose pre-attack happiness levels were lower developed symptoms of PTSD much more frequently. It would seem it would benefit all of us to cultivate greater happiness worldwide.

But how do we do that? The practice of gratitude has been shown to reduce depression and increase happiness in persons who use it. One of the most powerful ways to practice gratitude is the following:

  • Several times a week, or as often as it occurs to you, jot down three things that have happened in the past 24 hours that you feel good about and would like to see continue.
  • Next, jot down one or two things that you did that you feel were good, right, ethical or noble.
  • Then rate your feelings before and after this exercise from 0 (meaning down or depressed) to 10 (as happy and content as you can imagine being). Even if you were feeling low before you did this exercise, just recalling these positive experiences should increase your mood by several points.
  • Finally, jot down something that upset you in the past 24 hours. Then try to think of how this might be a positive thing in your life, or have a positive component. The old making lemonade out of lemons as Erma Bombeck used to say.
  • Again rate your feelings, first when you identified the upsetting event; and again after you searched for a positive aspect of it. Most people find they feel more empowered when looking for the positive and are more able to choose how to process or view the situation.

Doing this exercise over a period of time should increase your overall happiness level. It is also helpful to create a gratitude journal, writing this exercise in it so that you are able to look back on it as often as you desire. What a wonderful chronicle of the best things in your life and in you!

I Choose Peace

By Blue Waters Publications

Apr

22

No person, place or thing can irritate or annoy me.

Today I choose peace.

Affirmation

Listening to people talk about negative emotions is instructive. Most often, they fail to take responsibility for their feelings. Train yourself to listen for comments such as, “He made me so mad!” and “She really annoyed me!” from yourself and from others. It may be easier for us to deny responsibility for our difficult emotions and find someone to blame them on. But it is disempowering! Don’t give your power away!

Think about it. When we absolve ourselves of any responsibility for our upsetness, we also give away our ability to rid ourselves of that state. Our calm and peace is then also in someone else’s hands. Take back your power and take charge of your emotions.

As we discussed before, when we get upset about something, it means something in our past, some wound in our psyche has been triggered. If we can identify what it is, we have the power to change it. We can identify that we are jealous because a former partner cheated on us making us insecure in a new relationship. We can then reassure ourselves that we have no reason to mistrust our new partner and we need to work on learning to relax into the relationship. It would also be helpful to talk with your new partner about these insecurities and where they come from and to acknowledge that this is an issue you, personally, need to work on. These are positive steps you can take to change your situation.

If, on the other hand, you blame your partner for wanting to spend time with friends on a given evening, rather than with you, which triggered your insecurity in the first place, you lose the opportunity to grow in the face of change. If that process continues, the relationship will probably either end or be a miserable experience, because your partner will either cheat (because you assume s/he will anyway) or leave (because s/he gets tired of being unjustly accused). In either case, you give up your power if you fail to take responsibility for your emotions.

It can be helpful to make some change in this area by using affirmations like the one at the beginning of this entry. Repeating to yourself the simple statement above, can help to soothe and reassure you, even in the face of an upsetting situation. The power is in your hands:

Choose Peace!

To Forgive is Divine

By Blue Waters Publications

Apr

7

Taos Mountain

“When you hold resentment toward another,you are bound to that person or condition by an emotional link that is stronger than steel.

Forgiveness is the only way to dissolve that link and get free.”

Catherine Ponder

Often I find myself working with clients who are hurting or have been injured or wounded by another person or situation. Perhaps a partner has been unfaithful; or they are experiencing a difficult divorce; in other cases a parent or a child may have done something that seems unforgivable. It usually takes some time to convince them that the person we hurt the most when we refuse to forgive and move on is ourselves.

When we hold onto anger, hurt or a grudge against another person, we tie up a significant amount of energy that we are focusing on that person or relationship. To understand this more completely, take a potato and write on it the name of a person who has hurt you in some way. Do this for everyone or every situation you have never forgiven or gotten over. Include as many as you can remember: the former partner who had an affair, the spouse who filed for divorce, the illness that is affecting your life, the sibling that treated you unfairly, the schoolmate who harassed you years ago, the parent or child who is ungrateful. When you’re done, gather all of your potatoes and put them in a sack. Keep the sack with you at all times. Take it with you everywhere you go.

How long would it take for you to grow tired of carrying it, or for your potatoes to sprout, fester and smell? Imagine how nice it would be to be free from the constant reminder of hurt, heartache and anger? By hanging onto old hurts we create more anguish for ourselves. When you forgive someone, you free yourself from an oppressive load of negativity. Forgiveness allows you to create peace in your life.

Some people are reluctant to forgive because they feel that forgiveness requires them to forget about the hurt. That is not necessary. You may forget in time, or the memory may get a bit fuzzy, but all that is required for true forgiveness is a desire to let go of the need to be angry and vengeful toward another.

Others are reluctant to forgive because they think it means they are condoning what was done to them; approving the hurt they have suffered. Or that it means the other person was somehow “right” in what they did. Or because it means they now have to accept their new status, be it divorcee, single person or whatever. The reality is, you will have this new status whether or not you choose to accept it. You simply cause yourself and everyone around you much less grief if you don’t fight changes that occur for you by kicking and screaming every step of the way.

So take a few minutes and recall someone who has hurt you or a pain you have suffered. Call it to mind and feel it briefly. Then, holding that hurt in your mind and heart, repeat the following:

“(Name of offender), I forgive you. What you did wounded me deeply. That does not mean we haven’t loved each other (been close, had good time, whatever the nature of the relationship has been). Forgiving you means I no longer want or expect anything from you. You are free to go on your way as I am free to go on mine. You are forgiven and we are both free.”

You can maximize the effect of this process by doing something ceremonial as well: lighting a candle at the beginning and blowing it out at the end, or perhaps writing the words above on a piece of paper, reading them, then burning them when you are done, imagining the smoke is carrying away your pain and hurt. Be creative. You will know best what will help you become at peace with the situation.

If another person is involved, you do not have to tell the other person you have forgiven them for forgiveness to happen. This process is just for you, to help you let go of the energy you have tied up in being hurt and angry. If you are new to the forgiveness process, you may want to start with a smaller hurt and work up to the larger more painful ones. But it is worth the effort. The future will then be yours to create! You will be free to make the most of it, rather than be stuck in the past. I wish you peace!

The Importance of Being Positive!

By Blue Waters Publications

Mar

24

Salt Lake

The state of your life

is nothing more than a reflection of

your state of mind.

Anonymous

This is a quote that I like to share with the groups that we do at Blue Waters. My preference is to write a new quote up on the grease board in the group room every week or two. While we don’t specifically discuss these quotes in most cases, sometimes they are “on point” with a topic we are tackling in the curriculum of the group and do get mentioned.

Even if they are not discussed, however, group members tend to read the quotations and ponder them (especially when bored with in group, which I hope doesn’t happen too often!). I believe this provides them with new ways to look at life and the people around them.

This is the quote I put on the board yesterday. In reflecting on it, it is easy to see how it is true. Several weeks ago we were discussing how we are all responsible for our own emotions. If we feel something, it is because our self-talk has created or manufactured that reality for us. We permit ourselves to get angry or frustrated or, to the contrary, happy and excited about our circumstances.

Therefore, when your life isn’t going the way you would hope, if it feels like you are living in a desolate wasteland, remember to look inside and investigate what you are telling yourself to create your misery or unhappiness. While the temptation is to look outward, that provides no opportunity for growth or change; nor does it solve your unhappiness. Look to yourself and change what isn’t working. Develop a positive state of mind for yourself and create the life that you want! The world is your oyster—make the most of it!

I Am Terrific!

By Blue Waters Publications

Mar

5

“No one can make you feel inferior

without your consent.”

Eleanor Roosevelt

As we travel through our lives, we all encounter persons and situations that trigger negative feelings; inferiority is one of those feelings commonly set off by events outside of ourselves. It may be that the individual says or does something negative or critical towards us and we walk away feeling put down. Or, perhaps the person we encounter is so accomplished in many areas that we put ourselves down.

When you become aware of that reaction in yourself, I want you to remind yourself of Eleanor Roosevelt’s famous quote above. It is absolutely true. If we are happy and content with ourselves, it matters little what anyone else thinks about what we have, where we work, who we are with. It matters not how or what anyone else can do.

If feelings of inferiority are triggered by another’s behavior or comment, it signifies that we have misgivings about our choices that existed even prior to our contact with them. It is in that case, helpful to have them exposed so that we may hold them up to the light of day and examine them closely so we are making wise choices with our time here on earth.

For, if we are led to question the work we are doing by another’s comment, perhaps examining it more closely would trigger another avenue we wish to explore. If we become aware of some dissention or unhappiness in a relationship because another has pointed it out, this can lead us to re-examine the relationship for ourselves. If there are issues, we can then bring them out into the open so they may be discussed and resolved. Or perhaps we will decide the relationship is no longer working for us. If another’s remark makes us realize we truly want to have a certain possession, it can cause us to explore why that item is so important to us. If the reason is valid, we can then outline an approach to attain it. In any case, becoming aware of this unhappiness is a benefit, a gift.

Comments and actions from others can also trigger issues that remain unresolved from our past. If self esteem or its opposite, a sense of inferiority, has been an issue for you throughout your life, this recognition could put you in a position to change that. Seek out a therapist specializing in self esteem work or do some reading on the issue by yourself.

A simple starting point is to list 25 positive qualities you possess. You may need to think long and hard about this but it is best if you come up with them yourself, rather than relying on others to do so. Think about genuine compliments people have paid you. Think about skills or gifts you possess in your interactions with others. Write them down. If you get stuck, put it away for a few days, then pull it out and it may be easier to complete. If all else fails, go ahead and ask someone close to you for a few ideas, but before you do, put some true effort into completing it yourself.

Keep your list in a safe place. Add to it whenever you think of a new quality. Then, whenever your feelings of inferiority are triggered, and you ascertain it is not due to unhappiness with your current situation that you can change, pull out your list and read it over. Read it several times. Let those wonderful words sink it; ponder them. Just appreciating the wonderful, special individual that you are should help you feel a bit better, your day a bit brighter.

I frequently use this exercise with clients. Inevitably they will refer to the Saturday Night Live segment with the actor affirming himself by saying something like, “I’m good enough, I’m smart enough and by golly people like me!” While this is an extreme caricature of what I am suggesting, it does bring a smile to the face, which is valuable in itself. Just check my previous blog on the power of a smile below…

Nothin’ But A Smile…

By Blue Waters Publications

Feb

26

“Thousands of candles can be lit from a single candle,

and the life of the candle will not be shortened.

Happiness never decreases by being shared.”

Buddha (Hindu Prince Gautama Siddharta)

In the movie “Six Degrees of Separation” the premise is that everyone in the world is only six people away from knowing or having a connection to everyone else. The popular game, “Six Degrees of Kevin Bacon,” is based on a similar idea. But recent research by a pair of British social scientists, published in The British Medical Journal has put forth a new twist on that theory: “Three Degrees of Connection.”

The pair used statistical analysis of thousands of participants and their research has shown that happiness actually spreads from person to person up to three connections away. For example, according to Nicholas Christakis, MD, a medical sociology professor at Harvard Medical School, if a friend of a friend of a friend becomes happier, “it ripples through the network and affects you, even if you don’t know that [first] person.”

In its simplest form, it may be something as remote as your friend’s friend’s friend being in a good mood and helping your friend’s friend be more cheerful, which affects your friend, which makes you happier when you are around her as well. After all, who doesn’t feel better being around someone who is happy, rather than an old grouch?

Proximity is a factor. For example, according to the research, a happy sibling who is only a mile away can increase your probability of happiness by up to 14 percent while a friend who is closer can increase it by 25 percent. A neighbor has the power to increase your probability of happiness by 34 percent—so be nice to those new neighbors that just moved in, they could have the power to really make you smile.

Christakis also notes that this effect also applies to smoking and obesity. His research has shown that when one person quits smoking or loses weight, others around him follow suit. While this is no basis upon which to choose your friends, it is food for thought!

This does not mean that you are powerless over your mood or that your happiness is always in someone else’s hands. We do create our own happiness with our thoughts and expectations. But it is easier to think more positive thoughts when in the proximity of people who are happy. We have all had the experience of having a bad day and coming in contact with someone, often a total stranger, who gives us a bright smile for no explicable reason.  All of a sudden our troubles just seem to melt away. The world doesn’t seem as dark; the challenges we are facing, not as overwhelming.

We can choose to BE that mood change for others as well. One benefit is that when we “act as if” we feel a certain way (happy, positive, motivated, etc.) we eventually will start to feel that way. Happiness is a state of mind. So by acting happy, we should start feeling better. But we also will have an effect on those around us. We will become that stranger that smiles at someone having a bad day and thereby help to brighten her day.

Further, smiling is a habit. With the state of the economy and all the problems we hear about every day, it is easy to fall out of that habit of smiling. But you can re-train yourself as well. Another group of researchers has concluded that if we merely devote five minutes a day to smiling—consciously smiling–after a short time, it will soon become a habit and a more automatic behavior. The whole world will be brighter as a result! I think it’s worth the effort. I can certainly afford the five minutes; can’t you? What do you have to lose?

Happy Birthday Kate! Sending a smile your way…XXOO ; )

Worry No More!

By Blue Waters Publications

Feb

10

View of Great Smoky Mountains

“I am an old man and have known a great many troubles—but most of them never happened.”

Mark Twain

Worry is the most unproductive of all activities. When we obsess about a potential problem coming to pass, we are not accomplishing anything other than to make ourselves miserable. Worry cannot change the outcome and only causes us distress, often to the point of exhaustion.

Many people worry when they lay their heads down to sleep at night. The reason this tends to be a difficult time is that while you are up and moving around, your thoughts are often occupied by the activities you must accomplish before you rest and relax. When you lay down to rest, your mind is most often quieter, thus allowing space and opportunity for the worrisome thoughts to rise to the surface.

A good technique to quell these worrisome thoughts is something we call “thought-stopping.” Before going to bed, think of the most wonderful memory you can recall. Be specific in recalling every detail of this event. Get all of your senses involved. If it was a beach vacation, feel the hot sun on your face, hear the waves lapping at the shore, taste the cool drink you were sipping and so on.

Then, when you lay down to sleep and your troublesome thoughts emerge, mentally tell them to “STOP!” It often helps to imagine a light switch in your brain that you are switching to the “Off” position to stop your worries. Immediately after doing so, mentally take yourself back to the wonderful memory you had pre-selected. Recall all of the sensations you had evoked in your earlier visit to this event.

It is impossible for your brain to go in two directions at once. If you are able to stay “in” the memory, you will be unable to return to your worries. Practice helps and this process gets easier with time. Be vigilant in squelching those worrisome thoughts. They do not help you. When they try to return, just repeat the process again.

As a therapist, another technique I teach my “worriers”, and there are many, is to make a list in a notebook of all of the things you are worried about today. Put the list away for 30 days, then pull it out and look it over. Cross out all the troubles that never came to pass. Chances are you will cross out most of what you wrote. This can help you stop worrisome thoughts in the future, realizing it is just a waste of your time and your energy! Sweet dreams!