Goodbye Blue Waters Family Counseling…

By Blue Waters Publications

May

10

The former Blue Waters Family Counseling, 2215 Washington Street, Manitowoc, WI

And so it begins…

Blue Waters Family Counseling held its final Peaceful Alternatives to Family Violence Group on April 24th and its final individual session on April 30th. Since that time we have been busy packing up the records and receipts that we must keep locked away in the basement of our cabin in the northwoods for the next few years.

Today, we took yet another step:
Much of the furniture has been moved out of the building by this evening. It has been dispersed to deserved and deserving individuals who were in need of it. There are still a few pieces left, but most is gone. Not everything went as planned, but we must remember:

“We cannot control the wind, but we can adjust our sails.”

There has been much “adjusting” going on in our lives of late.  And I am sure there is more to come…

Keep reading in the upcoming weeks and months as I will be sharing our progress (or lack thereof) and our adventures on our big move with all of you. Hopefully it will be entertaining for you; I know it will be good to have a place to vent!

The Second Time Around…

By Blue Waters Publications

Dec

16

Relationships are like glass:

Sometimes it’s better to leave it broken

than to hurt yourself putting it back together.

Anonymous

Breakups are hard. They cause pain. They destroy our equilibrium.

It is possible to prevent ourselves from ever experiencing the pain of a break up. We can wall ourselves away in our home or in our psyche, building a wall so wide and so high no one can ever find their way over or through it to protect ourselves from ever being hurt.

But by doing so we deprive ourselves of that fullness others can bring to our lives and, by doing so, create another kind of pain—that of loneliness. All of our relationships, even the ones that end and cause pain, enrich our lives and make them more satisfying.

You see, relationships are our teachers. An anonymous author once said:

“Some people come into our lives and quickly go. Some stay for awhile and leave footprints on our hearts. And we are never, ever the same.”

The key is not to confuse the two. Those that only appear briefly may have a lesson to teach us that we can learn relatively quickly. And then they move on. Others linger with good reason: we have not fully learned what they have to share.

When one of these teachers decides to leave before we are ready, or mysteriously reappears in our lives as if by magic or in answer to our prayers, it is tempting to latch on and hold tight, being even more determined than ever to make it work out the second time around. This is often a mistake, however. If that happens, we must ask ourselves whether they belong in our future or our past.

If you will be able to look forward and share goals and dreams in your new relationship, perhaps there is a future for the two of you. Perhaps each of you grew or changed enough  so you now fit well together.

If, however, whatever draws you together has long past, your relationship may have run its course. Be cautious here and very honest with yourself; pay attention to your gut instinct. Sometimes we persuade ourselves a renewed relationship is meant to be because it is comfortable and familiar to be with an old love. We can convince ourselves that the old relationship has new life because “it just feels right” to be together again.

Our anxiety about being alone or starting over may abate because, for all of its good and bad qualities, this relationship is predictable. But ask yourself honestly:

Can I forgive and forget? Or

Will I relive and regret?

Then, before filling in the blanks as you want them to read, listen quietly for the answer. Often the right answer is just to say “Goodbye.”

An Attitude of Gratitude

By Blue Waters Publications

Nov

18

“Gratitude makes sense of our past, brings peace for today, and creates a vision for tomorrow.”

Anonymous

In preparation for our celebration of giving thanks next Thursday, and for writing this post, I began last week to think about things I am grateful for. While I had never personally made a list of such things before, I have suggested this exercise to clients who were having difficulty appreciating the gifts they have. I have also read and heard quite a bit about the benefits of doing so. So for the past seven days, I have made a list each day of 10 or more things for which I am grateful. Not only was it helpful in writing this post, it was personally enlightening as well.

What I learned is that I have much to be grateful for. While it is easy to complain and bemoan the trials and tribulations in our lives, once you shift your focus, it can also be quite simple to come up with a number of things for which we are thankful. And that change in focus can make all the difference in the world in your attitude.

While there were the occasional material items that appeared on my list, I found that relationships figured most prominently; my husband, my children, my friends, my canine children. Yes, these relationships took center stage in my musings and it became very apparent to me how many times a day I think of them and how much I truly appreciate and depend on them. From the children who, through no effort of mine have become wonderful young people whose company I truly enjoy, to my husband who helps me out and shows he cares in more ways than I can count, to friends who step in precisely when they are needed, to three puppies who are always happy to see me even when I come home crabby, their names figure prominently and daily in my list.

I have also realized that this is a practice that I plan to continue, perhaps not on a daily basis, but at least several times a week. It has made me a kinder, gentler more appreciative wife, mother and friend and these are qualities I want to cultivate in myself. Especially in this time of unemployment and shortfall, it is important to prevent our lives from being overrun with negativity. I have written in the past about the importance of being positive. There is no better way to do so that to truly appreciate all that we have and those special to us.

If you have never done a gratitude exercise such as this one, there is no better time than the present. Give it a try and really invest yourself in the exercise. It is very easy to get hung up on the “Yes, but…” scenario—work to avoid trying to dismiss your gratefulness by qualifying your statements. Especially if you have recently experienced a loss or downturn, you have probably spent a great deal of time focusing on the negative in your life. Make the effort to turn your attention to the things for which you are thankful. It will most likely make a wonderful difference in your attitude and can help you get into the perfect frame of mind to celebrate this special time of year. And, according to the theory that we draw to ourselves that upon which we focus, it may even bring to you more of what you want. It’s worth a shot, even if all you get is a more positive attitude!

Wishing to all a blessed and peaceful Thanksgiving.

To Say Goodbye…

By Blue Waters Publications

Sep

23

Loving is giving people the freedom to be the way they are,

Not trying to make them the way you want.

Anonymous

At the end of July, we explored the various steps in the Grieving Process that we experience whenever we have a loss of any kind. One example of a common loss is the ending of a relationship–sometimes people simply need to move on to be happy. In order to recover from the loss, we must make our way through the various stages. It is said, “The only way ‘out’ is ‘through’.” In other words, you must feel it to heal it. Of these steps, the Depression stage is one of the least pleasant.

You may sail relatively unaffected through the Denial stage and the Anger step can give you some vicarious pleasure. Bargaining provides a bit of hope that the loss may not happen after all, if only… And Acceptance is the easy part. But in the Depression stage you are simply sad and lonely.

It is during this stage that we must begin to let go of our attachment to this relationship, person, job, home, status. If we do not, we will not reach the stage of Acceptance. Luckily there are tools we can use to help work our way through this Depression and get ready to let go.

While there are a number of such tools, I want to talk today about the “Goodbye Letter.” This is a technique we use in my group Rebuilding After Your Relationship Ends to begin or continue the process of letting go of our attachment to what we have lost.

To begin, spend some time thinking over the history of your relationship: how it began, when you knew it would be serious, problems or conflicts that developed, happy times together, how it ended. You can also apply this process with a job, home, status or anything you have lost. It can be helpful to outline some of the key events on a time line so you have a clear visual picture of the process of the relationship. Patterns in the relationship may become clear as well. One man who did this exercise in the group noticed that, while the first 5 years of his marriage involved many happy moments, the last 5 had involved many tragedies: a serious car accident, job loss, medical problems, foreclosure, legal trouble, losing a parent. With that setup, it is no wonder his marriage did not survive!

Look over the time line and use its entries to write your letter. Begin the letter by introducing the subject (“saying goodbye”), then listing all of the things about this relationship or job that you will find it difficult to live without and will miss. Examples might be: our first kiss, our dreams for the future, the home we chose together, having children together and the like.

You can then have a bit of fun and healing with this exercise by moving into all of the things that you will NOT miss about the relationship: her smelly feet, his bad habits, her personality quirks, his refusal to ask for directions. One woman in our group wrote that she would not miss, “Not being able to turn on the heat until the car is all warmed up!” I think we can all imagine that argument happening over and over.

Having a bit of fun with this exercise is part of the healing process as well. Just don’t be too quick to jump into the fun part. Make sure you have a complete list of the things it will be difficult to live without. Then move on to the fun part.

The purpose of writing this letter is not to use it as ammunition against a former partner. You are writing for your eyes–and heart–only. Just like forgiveness, you let go for yourself, not for anyone else. No one need know that you have let go and moved on. But you will….and that’s how it should be. Happy writing!

The Process of Loss

By Blue Waters Publications

Jul

30

When you are sorrowful look again in your heart, and you shall see that in truth you are weeping for that which has been your delight.

~Kahlil Gibran

This is my favorite quote about grief. For indeed, why would we mourn the loss of something that gave us only conflict and distress. We grieve that to which we have connected emotionally; that which has made our lives richer and more fulfilling. But being aware of the process of grief helps us to understand it and, perhaps, move through it more easily.

Back in 1969, Dr. Elisabeth Kubler-Ross wrote her landmark work about the grief experience, On Death and Dying (MacMillan Publishing, 1970). She had been working for a number of years as a physician with terminally ill patients. Over the years of observing the ill from the point of their initial diagnosis through the time of their death, she identified five steps that persons with terminal illness experience in coming to terms with their illness. These five steps or stages, as they came to be called, came to be known as the grief process.

Upon being apprised of their fate, and the likelihood of their death, most patients would initially react with Denial. This was often exhibited by statements such as, “I’m not going to die,” “They’ll find a cure,” and “I’m going to beat this disease.” It was also marked by a state of numbness or shock at the  findings, and a refusal to accept the finality and inevitability of the result.

After the denial stage came Anger at their fate. Now realizing what would likely happen, many would rail, “This isn’t fair!” and “Why did this have to happen to me?” Bitterness and resentment often accompanied this stage.

Following anger came a Bargaining stage. Patients would attempt to bargain for a more promising outcome, often turning to God as the object of their pleas. Statements such as “I will do anything if you only make me well,”  “I will be the most devout Christian (Catholic, Jew, etc) in the world if you make me well,” and “I will go to Church every Sunday,” and the like are not uncommon at this stage of the process. Patients seem not to understand the futility of their requests because they have not yet reached the state of accepting their illness and its likely outcome.

As bargaining subsides, Depression and Withdrawal take over. Along with a depressed mood and melancholy, this stage also includes the beginning of the withdrawal from persons, places and things in which the patient had previously been invested. Things that used to matter a great deal do not provoke the same reactions as they formerly did at this point.

This pulling away from things that used to be important to the patient is the beginning of the final stage, Acceptance. At this point the patient begins to accept her fate and may begin to find some peace in it, if she lives long enough to have worked through the stages to this point. Persons who move very quickly from diagnosis to death may not have sufficient time to work through all five stages. Entry into this stage may become apparent if the person begins to discuss the outcome with others or to plan for “after I’m gone.”

Persons may cycle through the stages several times before achieving acceptance and can get stuck in one stage or several. The most typical sticking points are anger and depression because they are painful to move through. The temptation is to “stuff” or medicate these uncomfortable feelings, rather than to face them. But everyone experiencing this type of loss begins with some level of denial and, if they work through the entire process, ends with acceptance.

Some years later it was discovered that persons experienced this same process whenever they faced any significant loss in their lives. Researchers discovered that it did not matter if the loss was their own life, as in the patients with whom Kubler-Ross worked, or if it was the loss of a parent, child, sibling or spouse whether the loss occurred through divorce or the loss of a home of job they loved. Even the loss of a pet could initiate the grieving process.

Whenever we have a new loss, to a certain extent all unresolved losses we have experienced but not completely worked through get brought to the surface. It is helpful to think back over your life and your losses and if there are any on which you have some work left to do, spend some time doing so now before life hands you another challenge. Talk to a therapist or a good friend, do some journaling or just give some serious thought to the loss and the stages of grieving it. Recall what you are missing the most in regard to the loss. Then you will be in the best place to cope with whatever life throws your way.