This is Taos Mountain from our back porch. How can I not be there?
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Aug
26
Nov
4
It’s only a thought
And a thought can be changed
Anonymous
Today I would like to pick up on a theme we touched on briefly in my last post: that of our bodies and minds believing what we say when we talk to ourselves. Many of us are especially critical of our bodies and our appearance. We could lose or gain a few pounds or perhaps our teeth aren’t perfect or our hair is getting gray. But we become our own worst enemies when we criticize and berate ourselves because what we think and believe about who we are determines how we look and feel. What I am going to say may sound a bit far-fetched but it is backed by solid science, so please bear with me.
Our thoughts and beliefs create energy, which influences matter. After all, matter, at its most basic level, is energy. These are core principles of quantum physics, which is the study of the building blocks of the entire universe.
Our bodies are made up of organs, tissue and bone, which are composed, as we all know, of cells. Cells are made up of molecules which are composed of atoms and atoms are, in turn, made up of sub-atomic particles as electrons and the like. These particles are simply energy, which exists as a wave, until you observe or notice it. It then becomes a particle until you cease to observe it, and it becomes a wave again.
It is, therefore, your observation, or your attention or intention, that creates what you see around you. Our consciousness is involved in the creation of everything we observe. If you can manage to affirm yourself, including who you are and how you look right now, then further beauty will come to you far more quickly. But if you can’t genuinely love and appreciate yourself as you are, you will still make progress if you “fake it ‘til you make it.”
Rather than berating ourselves for being overweight or out of shape or growing older, if we can love ourselves just as we are, we will, in turn, create more beauty and health by our very thoughts. Using affirmations and telling yourself “I love and appreciate you just as you are” will likely create wonderful results in both your mind and body. Just as a contrary statement will likely cause further damage.
Even if you find the science of this process difficult to believe and hard to accept, what do you have to lose? Except, maybe, a few minutes saying something nice to yourself! And who couldn’t use one extra compliment every day?
Aug
26
“Between stimulus and response there is a space.
In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom”
~ Victor Frankl
The quality of being “mindful” is defined by Webster’s New World Dictionary as “Having in mind; aware, heedful or careful” (Simon & Schuster, 1991). “Mindfulness” can be described as being completely in touch with and aware of the present moment. Another component in common definitions of mindfulness is that of simply accepting what is; taking a non-evaluative and non-judgmental approach to your inner experience. Simply view it with openness and curiosity. Therefore, a mindful approach to your inner self might simply be viewing thoughts as thoughts, nothing more; neither judging nor evaluating them. Just accepting them and letting them pass on by.
Practicing mindfulness is one effective way to manage stress. It helps you to let go of all the busyness of your daily existence and simply clear your mind. Very similar to meditation, the practice will leave you feeling refreshed and relaxed, even on the heels of a stressful day.
To practice mindfulness, find yourself a quiet place where you will not be interrupted or disturbed. Settle yourself in a sitting position and clear your mind. Focus only on the present moment with your open and curious mind. If you find it difficult to clear your head, concentrate on your breathing, counting the breaths if you need to, to maintain your focus. Once you reach a count of ten, you can either start over or count backwards to one.
It can also be helpful to read over a quotation such as the one stated above as you begin your practice. Once you have chosen a quote, read it over twice to let the words really settle into your mind. Bring your mind back if it wanders into daily events.
Pay attention to your body. Notice how each part of your body is feeling but do not label or interpret the sensations. Simply accept them. For example, if you are outside, feel the breeze on your face and notice the color of the wildflowers in the meadow. Involve all of your senses in this awareness: Sight, smell, sound, touch, taste.
Practice mindfulness regularly. The more you do it, the more you benefit from it. Get in the habit of practicing often. You need not be sitting still to be mindful. This is an exercise you can do when you are walking, driving or exercising. You should find yourself feeling more at relaxed and contented if you regularly make time to be mindful. Wishing you peace…
Jul
30
When you are sorrowful look again in your heart, and you shall see that in truth you are weeping for that which has been your delight.
~Kahlil Gibran
This is my favorite quote about grief. For indeed, why would we mourn the loss of something that gave us only conflict and distress. We grieve that to which we have connected emotionally; that which has made our lives richer and more fulfilling. But being aware of the process of grief helps us to understand it and, perhaps, move through it more easily.
Back in 1969, Dr. Elisabeth Kubler-Ross wrote her landmark work about the grief experience, On Death and Dying (MacMillan Publishing, 1970). She had been working for a number of years as a physician with terminally ill patients. Over the years of observing the ill from the point of their initial diagnosis through the time of their death, she identified five steps that persons with terminal illness experience in coming to terms with their illness. These five steps or stages, as they came to be called, came to be known as the grief process.
Upon being apprised of their fate, and the likelihood of their death, most patients would initially react with Denial. This was often exhibited by statements such as, “I’m not going to die,” “They’ll find a cure,” and “I’m going to beat this disease.” It was also marked by a state of numbness or shock at the findings, and a refusal to accept the finality and inevitability of the result.
After the denial stage came Anger at their fate. Now realizing what would likely happen, many would rail, “This isn’t fair!” and “Why did this have to happen to me?” Bitterness and resentment often accompanied this stage.
Following anger came a Bargaining stage. Patients would attempt to bargain for a more promising outcome, often turning to God as the object of their pleas. Statements such as “I will do anything if you only make me well,” “I will be the most devout Christian (Catholic, Jew, etc) in the world if you make me well,” and “I will go to Church every Sunday,” and the like are not uncommon at this stage of the process. Patients seem not to understand the futility of their requests because they have not yet reached the state of accepting their illness and its likely outcome.
As bargaining subsides, Depression and Withdrawal take over. Along with a depressed mood and melancholy, this stage also includes the beginning of the withdrawal from persons, places and things in which the patient had previously been invested. Things that used to matter a great deal do not provoke the same reactions as they formerly did at this point.
This pulling away from things that used to be important to the patient is the beginning of the final stage, Acceptance. At this point the patient begins to accept her fate and may begin to find some peace in it, if she lives long enough to have worked through the stages to this point. Persons who move very quickly from diagnosis to death may not have sufficient time to work through all five stages. Entry into this stage may become apparent if the person begins to discuss the outcome with others or to plan for “after I’m gone.”
Persons may cycle through the stages several times before achieving acceptance and can get stuck in one stage or several. The most typical sticking points are anger and depression because they are painful to move through. The temptation is to “stuff” or medicate these uncomfortable feelings, rather than to face them. But everyone experiencing this type of loss begins with some level of denial and, if they work through the entire process, ends with acceptance.
Some years later it was discovered that persons experienced this same process whenever they faced any significant loss in their lives. Researchers discovered that it did not matter if the loss was their own life, as in the patients with whom Kubler-Ross worked, or if it was the loss of a parent, child, sibling or spouse whether the loss occurred through divorce or the loss of a home of job they loved. Even the loss of a pet could initiate the grieving process.
Whenever we have a new loss, to a certain extent all unresolved losses we have experienced but not completely worked through get brought to the surface. It is helpful to think back over your life and your losses and if there are any on which you have some work left to do, spend some time doing so now before life hands you another challenge. Talk to a therapist or a good friend, do some journaling or just give some serious thought to the loss and the stages of grieving it. Recall what you are missing the most in regard to the loss. Then you will be in the best place to cope with whatever life throws your way.
May
21
Gratitude is not only the greatest of virtues,
but the parent of all others.
Cicero
Recent research in the new field of positive psychology has proven that happiness is not just nice to feel but has important health, wealth and wisdom benefits as well. We discussed a few weeks back that happy people have significantly better physical health than unhappy people. We can invest in our health by investing in our happiness.
New research is showing that happy people are also smarter and more creative than the alternative and that they have more stable and happier marriages. No great surprise there—who wants to live with an old grouch? Research is also showing that happier people have higher incomes and greater success in their work lives; wouldn’t you rather deal with a happy salesman or accountant? Happier people have also been shown to be more generous with both their time and money.
A recent study of survivors who were in the Twin Towers on September 11, 2001, showed that happiness also helps us bounce back from trauma. People who were happier before the attack tended to bounce back more quickly than those who were not. In addition, those survivors whose pre-attack happiness levels were lower developed symptoms of PTSD much more frequently. It would seem it would benefit all of us to cultivate greater happiness worldwide.
But how do we do that? The practice of gratitude has been shown to reduce depression and increase happiness in persons who use it. One of the most powerful ways to practice gratitude is the following:
- Several times a week, or as often as it occurs to you, jot down three things that have happened in the past 24 hours that you feel good about and would like to see continue.
- Next, jot down one or two things that you did that you feel were good, right, ethical or noble.
- Then rate your feelings before and after this exercise from 0 (meaning down or depressed) to 10 (as happy and content as you can imagine being). Even if you were feeling low before you did this exercise, just recalling these positive experiences should increase your mood by several points.
- Finally, jot down something that upset you in the past 24 hours. Then try to think of how this might be a positive thing in your life, or have a positive component. The old making lemonade out of lemons as Erma Bombeck used to say.
- Again rate your feelings, first when you identified the upsetting event; and again after you searched for a positive aspect of it. Most people find they feel more empowered when looking for the positive and are more able to choose how to process or view the situation.
Doing this exercise over a period of time should increase your overall happiness level. It is also helpful to create a gratitude journal, writing this exercise in it so that you are able to look back on it as often as you desire. What a wonderful chronicle of the best things in your life and in you!
May
7
“All children are artists.
The problem is how to remain an artist once he grows up.”
Pablo Picasso
Continuing on the discussion of our basic needs, which we started near the beginning of the blog and abandoned for other interests a few weeks back, I would like to pick up on the “C” or Creative needs that we all share. Human beings have a need to be creating on a regular basis. Most of us are not aware of this need and even fewer make it a regular practice.
Before you assume this is an impossible task, let me reassure you there are many different ways to be creative. Obviously the first things that leap to our minds seem impossible to accommodate in our only-too-busy lives: drawing, water color painting, playing a musical instrument and the like. These activities take a considerable amount of time, preparation and even space to accommodate on a regular basis.
However, there are far simpler ways to meet our creative needs. Obvious choices for many women tend to be craft or needlework projects that can be done in piecemeal fashion and as time allows. Cost of supplies is often minimal and skills are easily acquired.
Gardening is also very creative. Planning a garden, for either food or beauty, requires a certain amount of the artistry that Picasso discusses above. Also able to be done in bits and pieces as time allows, gardening can fit easily into most daily schedules.
Writing is creative as well. It matters not whether you are writing poetry, short stories, general fiction or simply journaling daily events for your eyes only, you are exercising your creativity when doing so. If you enjoy journaling, but feel like you can’t commit to a daily entry, not to worry. It need not be a daily event, but something you do at least once a week.
Other ways of expressing creativity include the way in which we decorate our house or apartment, how we dress ourselves or our children, the foods we make or bake for our families and many other tasks we undertake on a daily basis. For men, creativity abounds in woodworking or home remodeling projects and is often required in solving home repair or maintenance tasks.
Creativity, it seems, is easy to incorporate into our everyday lives and need not take up a great deal of time out of our day. Necessary to our health and well-being, easy to incorporate, inexpensive and helpful, let’s get our creative juices flowing. And, if you do have the time or inclination to paint watercolors or play music, go for it! It’s good for you!
Feb
21
I’m meant to seek God in the high mountain tops;
the message finally got through the static;
a building just won’t suffice…
Ryan Berry
I was reading my son’s Facebook page the other day (yes, I do that too!) when the above quotation caught my eye. I located him in the family room watching the Olympics and asked where he had found that quote. “Why?” he asked, a bit suspicious. “Because I love it! I think it’s terrific! It’s exactly how I feel about the mountains.” He glanced down, looking a bit sheepish but trying hard to control the grin on his face and answered, “I made it up.”
I was blown away. My son had put into words, so succinctly and powerfully, something I had felt and I’m supposed to be the writer! But this is exactly what I was referring to the other day when we were talking about spirituality and finding something that impresses upon you that sense of connectedness to all things. The mountains do it for me, and apparently, for Ryan.
For others it is the water; looking out over a calm lake or a stormy sea makes them feel at one with the world. Some find it in the falling snow; watching the individual snowflakes that make up a blizzard engenders that sense of oneness for them. Still others feel most spiritually connected when walking through a forest, perhaps hunting or jogging or even snowshoeing. It can also be found in the midst of a city, but for many, there are too many distractions to find peace and connection there—though it is possible.
As we said before, each of us needs to find a way to create and enhance that sense of spiritual connectedness. For me it is in the mountains, and sometimes the forest. If you are struggling to find that for yourself, you might think about asking your children when they feel it. Their answers might just surprise—and humble—you. Thanks Ryan.
Feb
17
If you don’t move your body,
your brain thinks you’re dead
I found this quote on an affirmation card purchased from a website (www.hayhouse.com) that offers many varieties of such cards for the support and encouragement of individual change. Continuing on our theme of Basic Needs that we started with the last post, I would like to address “Physical” needs next and think this is an intriguing way to do so.
We have many different physical needs as human beings. Some of the most obvious are food, clothing, shelter, air and sleep. I like to tell my clients that they should think of their bodies as a vehicle to get them where they need to be and to care for it in much the same manner. If we put good rich fuel in our cars, they will perform at their optimum level. The same is true with our bodies.
We can fill up on junk food, but won’t get the same response as if we consume good nutritious fruits, vegetables and proteins, foods that are rich in the vitamins and minerals we need to function at our optimum level. Think of this when deciding on a meal or a snack. Ask the question, “Will this help me or hurt me?” when choosing what to eat. You may find that more often than not you will make healthier choices.
Sleep is another important physical need. The average person needs 7-8 hours of sleep every night to be at her best. While some get away with less than that and others need still more, most of us do reasonably well with that amount. It is easiest for your body when it can predict when it will get that rest. Your body will function best if you have a regular pattern of sleeping and waking times. Even in the event of a job loss or layoff, it is best if you go to bed at your regular time and rise at or near the time you would wake when working. This is especially true in times of stress, and isn’t the loss of a job a most stressful time? You will function better if your body gets its rest at, and for, the regular time.
But the physical need I want to focus on today is exercise. When I ask clients about this, many of them (especially the men) tell me “I get all the exercise I need at work!” While you may move around at work and be on your feel all day, you are not getting what you need or what I mean by exercise. You need to raise your heart rate so you are getting an aerobic workout and it must remain increased for a period of at least 20-25 minutes. The recommendation used to be that we do this 3-4 times per week. In the last few years, that recommendation by those in the know who study health and aging have increased that to 5-7 days per week, even for the average person.
This doesn’t mean you need to run every day for a half hour. You can achieve a sufficient increase in your heart rate simply by walking, but it needs to be just about daily and for about 30 minutes. If you don’t move regularly, your body begins to tighten up; muscles start to atrophy. We lose any conditioning we may have achieved previously. We will have more aches and pains and more physical problems if we are not moving regularly.
You will also find that this practice helps you mentally and emotionally as much as physically. When we are active, our brain releases endorphins—the “feel-good” chemicals that give us the sense that life is good and any challenges we face are manageable. In short, our mood tends to improve when we are working out.
And, if you need any inspiration, now is the perfect time to get inspired! Watching even one event or one night of the Olympic performances that are happening over the next two weeks can inspire even the most sluggish and lethargic of us. Most of us aren’t born with the natural ability and simply don’t have the training to perform at that level, but we can go out cross country skiing or snowshoeing or get ourselves out for a walk.
Who can help but be inspired when we hear the stories of these athletes who have put in many hours of practice and training for their two to four minutes or two to four hours of participating in the Olympic Games in hope of a medal? Stories like that can inspire each of us to heave ourselves off the couch and get out for a walk. What do you have to lose? As Nike says, “Just do it!”
Feb
12
“Nature abhors a vacuum,
and if I can only walk with sufficient carelessness
I am sure to be filled.”
Henry David Thoreau
In the first post on this blog, we discussed the importance of taking care of ourselves and finding ways to meet our needs. There are many different ways of talking about needs we all have as human beings, but my favorite format is the one below:
BASIC NEEDS:
Spiritual Physical
Social Intellectual
Emotional Creative
“SPICES”
I like this format because it really covers the basics and is easy to remember. If you start if the upper left hand corner of the circle with “Spiritual”, the first letter of each “need” spells the word “spices”. That way, if you can remember the word “Spices”, you can take stock several times a week to make sure you are meeting each of your basic needs without carrying around a piece of paper to remind you. You should be meeting each need at about the same level and doing something at least once a week (more depending on the need) to satisfy. It doesn’t matter how well you are meeting some of your needs, if you are not attending to all of them in some manner, you will still be out of balance and under stress.
In this blog I want to focus on the first, or spiritual, need. It is surprising to many that the need for spirituality is basic to all of us. This is essentially our need for connectedness; the need to feel connected to something greater than ourselves. Some call this a connection with God; others refer to it as a higher power. Still others just have a sense of that connectedness to all things, people or beings of any kind. However you define it, this need must be met regularly.
Many people find they are able to meet their spiritual need best by practicing some form of organized religion. Perhaps it is the religion and belief system they were raised with; perhaps it is the faith practiced by their partner or other love one. But for those persons, attending mass or church services helps them feel that connection.
Others have difficulty feeling connected this way in a cathedral filled with people. Church services may leave them feeling cold or personally unaffected. These persons must find another way to meet their spiritual need or suffer the consequences.
Luckily, there are many ways to satisfy this task. Some persons practice medication or some form of guided imagery. Yoga can be a spiritual practice, as can tai chi and other forms of meditative movement. Still other persons find they feel spiritually connected through having some contact with nature. Walking through a forest, climbing a mountain peak, watching the snow fall or seeing waves crashing on a shore can instill a strong sense of connection with all of the earth.
My family and I are members of the Catholic faith. When we are at home, we attend church services at our parish on Sunday evenings. However, when we are traveling or spending time at our cabin, which is situated in the midst of a forest, it is the natural approach we take to our spirituality. In fact, many of our travels take place in our RV, which means that we are more often than not spending days and nights away from home surrounded by nature in one part of this country or another. We find that this fills us, as Thoreau indicates in the quote above.
If you are at a loss for how to meet your need for a spiritual connection, consider spending some time out in nature. Taking a walk in a nearby park or visiting a local lakeshore can suffice. It needn’t be a long journey, this quest for connection, but when you are looking to expand your horizons a bit further, consider spending a night in a campground or national forest.
This does not have to be an expensive proposition or undertaking. In fact, it can be incredibly affordable. Tents can be rented or even purchased inexpensively and a campsite for an evening can run as little as $10. Your only other cost is your gasoline to get to your destination, which you may have anyway driving around town on the weekend.
But the peace you will achieve from your time away is priceless. We have stayed in some of the most beautiful natural surroundings that have found both peace and connectedness there. So whether you belong to and practice a form of organized religion, some other type of spiritual practice or have neglected your spiritual needs in recent weeks and months, any of us can benefit from being in nature.
If you are at a loss for where to start, I invite you to check out another blog to which I contribute: http://blog.woodalls.com. Reading these entries will give you many ideas about where to go and what to do when you get there. Happy connecting!
Feb
7
“The ancestor of every action is a thought”
Ralph Waldo Emerson
Many clients who come into therapy believe that impulsive actions they take occur automatically, without choice on their part. If that were true, we would have no ability to make changes in our behavior. Likewise, when we believe this is the case, we give our power to change away to the winds of fate.
We have all known people who have made amazing changes in their lives, just through the process of deciding to do so: the friend who quit smoking, the relative who left an unhealthy relationship, the neighbor who quit using alcohol to excess. Perhaps we, ourselves, have made some amazing changes in our lives. These are just primary examples of what we know to be true.
Anything we do is preceded by a thought, which is the decision or impetus for the action. If I quit my job, I can let myself believe it was a spontaneous reaction to an unsatisfactory evaluation or criticism by my supervisor, but before I speak to my boss, I have entertained the thought of resigning.
This is true on a much smaller level as well. If I snap at my partner or child, I have had a thought that that response is necessary or appropriate. I can let myself believe I was just stressed and the reaction was spontaneous, but in reality it was based on a thought which led to and justified the behavior.
These thoughts can pass very quickly, with the speed of light, so fast that we may have no recollection of thinking them, especially if we are not aware of this process. But before they result in an action, the thought has inhabited your mind.
This is incredibly empowering information! This is the good news! This means that if we want to change our actions, we need only change our thoughts! If we believe we can accomplish something, we can. But if, on the other hand, we are certain we will fail, we will most certainly do that as well. Our future is in our hands! Or, in our thoughts!
Feb
2
Welcome to the Blue Waters Publications Blog! I am excited about this opportunity to share some thoughts with anyone who will read them and will attempt to provide information that is both interesting and helpful.
Helen Keller once said,
“Life is either a great adventure or it is nothing!”
As a writer and a therapist, I generally reach people one at a time. This blog is an opportunity to reach large numbers of people with information I consider essential and helpful for all of us to live life to the fullest. Join me as I embark on our new adventure!
As a therapist, I am a firm believer in self-care and that is typically the place I start with new clients. Very often we are unhappy, frustrated, lonely (fill in the blank here with any negative feeling or emotion) because our needs are not being met. But the primary responsibility for meeting those needs lies with us. It is not selfish or narcissistic to focus on your needs—just healthy.
Nor can you rely on a partner, friend, parent or pet to meet those needs for you. If you do you will end up disappointed and, most likely, alone. No, dear reader, the responsibility is yours and yours alone.
To that end, I hope to give you some ideas or options in the days and weeks to come to consider for how best to identify what you need and how to get those needs met. You are likely to read some things you may never have thought about or considered, and be faced with some ideas that may seem foreign or strange to you.
This exploration is a healthy thing, however. If I filled this blog with what you already knew or had heard 1000 times, I would be wasting your time. You are here for a challenge; something to help you push the envelope. Enjoy our adventure!