Our Last Weekend in Town

By Blue Waters Publications

May

15

The kids’ first weekend back in Manitowoc was indeed a busy one as it would be our last weekend in Manitowoc before our move. Thus, there were a number of items on our agenda. Our first stop was at the office building to pick up a few remaining pieces of furniture and to have Ryan and Terry take down the Blue Waters Family Counseling sign. Seeing it come down marks the end of an era.

Taking down the sign

After we complete these tasks, it is off to Shopko for some toiletries for the kids and a Mother’s Day card for my mother. We make another trip to Good Will, pack a few more boxes at the house, then come back to the house for more packing. The kids decide to attend their last Masquer’s performance, The Sound of Music.

It is done

The next morning, Terry and I are up early packing as the kids sleep in. I spend several hours packing with a box perched on “my” chair in the dining room, before we need a break and run another load of stuff to Good Will. When we return, I notice a large bouquet of beautiful flowers on the dining room table in a vase, just inches from where I had been packing. Assuming the kids put them there while we were gone, I went upstairs to thank them. When I asked Ryan when they had put them on the table, he responded, “Last night when we came home!” Apparently I am not the most observant mom in the world!

Mother's Day Flowers and Cards

This will be our last (at least for the present time) Mother’s Day in Manitowoc. We plan to meet my mother, sister and her family for lunch at the Club Bilmar in the afternoon to celebrate the day. In addition to her card and gift, I give my mom a small Russian Sage plant. These bloom large and all summer and fall in Taos. They are prolific and just the sight of one makes me feel like I am there. I wanted to give her one to plant in her garden; a little piece of New Mexico to help her feel close to us. However, I am told in Wisconsin they do not bloom until fall, so all I can find are tiny seedlings. Still, much like our life in New Mexico, it will grow and take shape in time.

We return home and pack more, then decide to head to Luigis Italian Restaurant for a last meal there. Luigi’s has marked many celebrations in our family. It was where we held our 10 year anniversary celebration, first Communion luncheons for the kids, family graduations dinners before the actual graduation party and, last June, Kate and Nate’s rather hastily arranged bridal shower. It is only fitting that we find time to celebrate one more meal there.

Mother's Day Lunch

In the evening, we wind down and settle in, a bit uncomfortable in a home in which several key pieces of furniture have been removed and walls of boxes grace nearly every room. But happy we will all get to be here together for the last week once Kate arrives from California on Wednesday.

Thought for Today:

By Blue Waters Publications

Nov

4

Holding a grudge

is like letting someone live rent-free

in your head!

 

The best reason to forgive is for yourself. When you hold onto old hurts, nurse them and nurture them and refuse to let them go, the only person you are hurting is YOU! You feel weighted down with the negative feelings, sluggish and held back with the baggage you are dragging with you ever step of the way.

Let go and feel the renewed energy you have. Focus on something positive in your life. Choose to let go of that hurt; to forgive trespasses. Feel how much lighter it makes you feel!

Refuse to house any unwanted tenants in your head. Life is too short and precious to choose to be stuck in negativity. Embrace the positive! Enjoy!

Transitions…the First Step to a New Life…

By Blue Waters Publications

Jun

29

Life has been busy. Back in March, I promised to write more regularly and I’ve not been back. Well, as I’m sure it has for many of you, life has intervened. In that time, we’ve begun preparing our house to be listed for sale August 1st. I have (almost singlehandedly) repainted the dining room, living room, front hall and upstairs hall as well as the master bedroom. I have also scraped, primed and painted the basement walls (white, with red and gray stripes for contrast) and floor (gray). Then I repainted it again after our recent rainstorm washed some of it away. In addition, we have stripped, stained and completely refinished the hardwood floor in the sunroom. We are now working on hardwood floors in our living and dining rooms.

In addition to that, our “baby” graduated from high school at the end of May, thereby ending our 12 year connection with the extended family of parochial high school parents. We became somewhat of a tight group, but both Terry and I are ready to move on.

Finally, last weekend, my oldest child, my sweet baby Kate, married the love of her life in the most beautiful wedding I have ever seen.  She looked like a princess and her groom, like the happiest man on earth. They are currently cruising Greek Isles to celebrate their new life together.

Soon, we will take our summer family vacation and when we return, our two youngest will head off to college; our baby for the first time. This will leave their father and I with an empty house, except for the three cocker spaniels that have wormed their way into my affections.

This has been a wonderful city, home and lifestyle in which to raise a family. But it has its limitations in what it offers the two of us who are left. We have found a place that fits us better and can now begin to make that transition.

Also, I was much more flexible and laid back before I became a parent. When Kate was born some 24+ years ago, all of a sudden I had to plan meals and prepare them on a somewhat consistent basis. That requires planning and grocery shopping and having things on hand to actually feed a child.

Now that our children are more able to fend for themselves and will mostly be fed outside of our home, I can save those planned, structured organized meals for the holidays or special occasions. I will welcome that bit of respite and the freedom it gives me to focus on other interests. I will miss my children  desperately, and will miss living with them on a daily basis, but I am looking forward to being a bit more flexible and laid back. I think it will be good for me, and for our relationship.

I have been called “Pollyanna” at times. But my focus on the positive is by choice. Rather than focus on how much I will miss the kids and the fact that I will have less contact with them, I choose to focus on the positive part of this transition: that is allows me to take the first step to my new life with Terry. I am looking forward…

To that end, this also marks a bit of a change in the structure of this blog. I am going to introduce more flexibility in it as well. Therefore, rather than adding a quote and a picture to every post, I will add those only as appropriate. At times, like tonite, you will hear my musings without quotes or photos. I welcome your thoughts, words of encouragement, and your sharing your own stories of transition and change as well. Please let me hear from you!

The Second Time Around…

By Blue Waters Publications

Dec

16

Relationships are like glass:

Sometimes it’s better to leave it broken

than to hurt yourself putting it back together.

Anonymous

Breakups are hard. They cause pain. They destroy our equilibrium.

It is possible to prevent ourselves from ever experiencing the pain of a break up. We can wall ourselves away in our home or in our psyche, building a wall so wide and so high no one can ever find their way over or through it to protect ourselves from ever being hurt.

But by doing so we deprive ourselves of that fullness others can bring to our lives and, by doing so, create another kind of pain—that of loneliness. All of our relationships, even the ones that end and cause pain, enrich our lives and make them more satisfying.

You see, relationships are our teachers. An anonymous author once said:

“Some people come into our lives and quickly go. Some stay for awhile and leave footprints on our hearts. And we are never, ever the same.”

The key is not to confuse the two. Those that only appear briefly may have a lesson to teach us that we can learn relatively quickly. And then they move on. Others linger with good reason: we have not fully learned what they have to share.

When one of these teachers decides to leave before we are ready, or mysteriously reappears in our lives as if by magic or in answer to our prayers, it is tempting to latch on and hold tight, being even more determined than ever to make it work out the second time around. This is often a mistake, however. If that happens, we must ask ourselves whether they belong in our future or our past.

If you will be able to look forward and share goals and dreams in your new relationship, perhaps there is a future for the two of you. Perhaps each of you grew or changed enough  so you now fit well together.

If, however, whatever draws you together has long past, your relationship may have run its course. Be cautious here and very honest with yourself; pay attention to your gut instinct. Sometimes we persuade ourselves a renewed relationship is meant to be because it is comfortable and familiar to be with an old love. We can convince ourselves that the old relationship has new life because “it just feels right” to be together again.

Our anxiety about being alone or starting over may abate because, for all of its good and bad qualities, this relationship is predictable. But ask yourself honestly:

Can I forgive and forget? Or

Will I relive and regret?

Then, before filling in the blanks as you want them to read, listen quietly for the answer. Often the right answer is just to say “Goodbye.”

An Attitude of Gratitude

By Blue Waters Publications

Nov

18

“Gratitude makes sense of our past, brings peace for today, and creates a vision for tomorrow.”

Anonymous

In preparation for our celebration of giving thanks next Thursday, and for writing this post, I began last week to think about things I am grateful for. While I had never personally made a list of such things before, I have suggested this exercise to clients who were having difficulty appreciating the gifts they have. I have also read and heard quite a bit about the benefits of doing so. So for the past seven days, I have made a list each day of 10 or more things for which I am grateful. Not only was it helpful in writing this post, it was personally enlightening as well.

What I learned is that I have much to be grateful for. While it is easy to complain and bemoan the trials and tribulations in our lives, once you shift your focus, it can also be quite simple to come up with a number of things for which we are thankful. And that change in focus can make all the difference in the world in your attitude.

While there were the occasional material items that appeared on my list, I found that relationships figured most prominently; my husband, my children, my friends, my canine children. Yes, these relationships took center stage in my musings and it became very apparent to me how many times a day I think of them and how much I truly appreciate and depend on them. From the children who, through no effort of mine have become wonderful young people whose company I truly enjoy, to my husband who helps me out and shows he cares in more ways than I can count, to friends who step in precisely when they are needed, to three puppies who are always happy to see me even when I come home crabby, their names figure prominently and daily in my list.

I have also realized that this is a practice that I plan to continue, perhaps not on a daily basis, but at least several times a week. It has made me a kinder, gentler more appreciative wife, mother and friend and these are qualities I want to cultivate in myself. Especially in this time of unemployment and shortfall, it is important to prevent our lives from being overrun with negativity. I have written in the past about the importance of being positive. There is no better way to do so that to truly appreciate all that we have and those special to us.

If you have never done a gratitude exercise such as this one, there is no better time than the present. Give it a try and really invest yourself in the exercise. It is very easy to get hung up on the “Yes, but…” scenario—work to avoid trying to dismiss your gratefulness by qualifying your statements. Especially if you have recently experienced a loss or downturn, you have probably spent a great deal of time focusing on the negative in your life. Make the effort to turn your attention to the things for which you are thankful. It will most likely make a wonderful difference in your attitude and can help you get into the perfect frame of mind to celebrate this special time of year. And, according to the theory that we draw to ourselves that upon which we focus, it may even bring to you more of what you want. It’s worth a shot, even if all you get is a more positive attitude!

Wishing to all a blessed and peaceful Thanksgiving.

The Importance of Affirming Ourselves

By Blue Waters Publications

Oct

21

When a man finds no peace within himself

it is useless to seek it elsewhere.

L. A. Rouchefolicould

Many of us get into relationships with people we believe will complete us, because we feel inadequate, incomplete or alone. Yet once the newness wears off, we find we are still incomplete, inadequate and alone. This is because no one can complete us; we must complete ourselves.

However, when we are feeling this way, it is an indication that we have some work to do. It may be our self-esteem that needs work. Or perhaps our childhood has left us feeling incapable and inadequate. Whatever the reason, some work with affirmations can do the trick.

Many of us are not kind when we talk to ourselves. And we all talk to ourselves. We inwardly exclaim, “What an idiot you are!” or we ask “How could you be so stupid?” when we make a mistake. Our bodies and our minds truly believe everything we say when we talk to ourselves. We can either choose to change this, by working with affirmations to treat ourselves more gently, or we can beat ourselves into the ground and become our own worst enemy.

Affirmations are nothing more than simple positive statements that we say as if we already believed they were true. Some more common examples are:

“I am whole and complete in myself.”

“I am completely adequate for all situations.”

“I now have a perfect, satisfying and well paying job.”

“I love and appreciate myself just as I am.”

The most typical manner of using affirmations is simply to read them to yourself as often as it occurs to you. A more effective method involves choosing 2-3 affirmations and making a plan to read each 3 times over, 3 times a day.  Write them on a card and keep cards in several easily accessible places: in your purse, inside the bathroom medicine cabinet, on your desk at work, etc.

Also, though it feels awkward at first, it is more effective if you read them out loud to yourself, while looking at yourself in a mirror. Trust me, you CAN get used to doing this. Everyone feels awkward at first. But it quadruples the effect of the affirmations, as you are reading them, saying them, hearing them and seeing yourself say them. It’s worth the extra effort.

Be religious about doing them regularly. The more consistent you can be, the greater the effect you will notice. Though you might feel at first like the skit on Saturday Night Live that we have all seen, you should find yourself starting to feel more positive, optimistic and creative after about two weeks of regular practice. And it’s a far easier task to change and improve yourself than looking for a partner who can complete the parts of yourself you are not happy with.

The best affirmations are not those you may read in books or blog posts, but ones you create yourself, in your own words. Try to come up with these simple positive statements on your own but if you cannot, find yourself a good resource for affirmations and re-write several so they are stated in words you would use. One good resource is “Creative Visualization” by Shakti Gawain (Bantam, 1978). While this is an older book, it is an excellent resource for affirmation work.

Once you have chosen your statements, make your plan for how and when you will do them. My strong recommendation is to follow the process described above. As far as timing, whatever works with your schedule and is easy for you to remember is best: breakfast, lunch, dinner and morning, noon, night, are three popular examples for timing. Then, as Nike says, “Just do it!” After all, you’re worth it!

Imagine the Positive!

By Blue Waters Publications

Oct

8

You are a living magnet.

What you attract into your life is in harmony with your dominant thoughts.

Brian Tracy

Sometimes when life is going well, we begin to worry about all of the things that could potentially go wrong. We, in fact, become our own worst enemy, locking our mind into a cycle of worry and negativity and, in many cases, experiencing about the very outcome we find ourselves dreading. If you are one of those who worry when times are good, take heed.

We tend to draw to ourselves exactly that which we fear or worry about. The best selling book and video, The Secret, espouses this very concept. In a nutshell, the theory is that energy is drawn to and attracted by like energy. So the more we focus on negative events, the more likely we are to experience them. And conversely, the more we focus on positive outcomes, the more good we receive.

There is much we do not understand about the power and workings of energy in this world but we have all had the experience of worrying about something only to have it actually happen, exactly in the manner we feared! And we have also focused on something we very much wanted to happen, only to have it take place right before our eyes. Science has actually proved that every thought we have creates a living, breathing molecule. If you have enough of the same thoughts, the worry becomes reality.

However, the good news is that this concept is true for our positive thoughts as well. Further, positive thoughts create stronger, more vibrant molecules than negative ones, which are even more likely to manifest in reality. Whether we call it positive thinking or manifesting molecules, we can use this to our best advantage.

Often when we have had one failed relationship, we have a difficult time trusting that a new one will work out. If we have had several unsuccessful connections, we may become all but certain the new one will end, only awaiting the final event. I would propose that when we do this, we actually draw this negativity into our relationship. Additionally, we are also more likely to act in ways that bring about that outcome. Thus, it is never helpful to assume the negative.

If this is how you operate, take a risk and give the positive a chance. Just for once, assume the relationship will work out, that you will end up living happily ever after. You may notice a nearly palpable physical change. You might feel relieved, but are also likely to feel calm, confident and excited about the possibilities for the new partnership.

If you want a happy, lasting relationship imagine yourself with this person for the long term. Feel the wonderful feelings associated with being in love and finding that love. You’re already invested, so you might as well assume it’s going to work out. Whenever you start to worry, change those negative thoughts to positive ones. Imagine the relationship working out and don’t spend a single minute of your precious life wasted with worry. This takes practice, so begin immediately! Life is too short to waste with negative thinking.

To Say Goodbye…

By Blue Waters Publications

Sep

23

Loving is giving people the freedom to be the way they are,

Not trying to make them the way you want.

Anonymous

At the end of July, we explored the various steps in the Grieving Process that we experience whenever we have a loss of any kind. One example of a common loss is the ending of a relationship–sometimes people simply need to move on to be happy. In order to recover from the loss, we must make our way through the various stages. It is said, “The only way ‘out’ is ‘through’.” In other words, you must feel it to heal it. Of these steps, the Depression stage is one of the least pleasant.

You may sail relatively unaffected through the Denial stage and the Anger step can give you some vicarious pleasure. Bargaining provides a bit of hope that the loss may not happen after all, if only… And Acceptance is the easy part. But in the Depression stage you are simply sad and lonely.

It is during this stage that we must begin to let go of our attachment to this relationship, person, job, home, status. If we do not, we will not reach the stage of Acceptance. Luckily there are tools we can use to help work our way through this Depression and get ready to let go.

While there are a number of such tools, I want to talk today about the “Goodbye Letter.” This is a technique we use in my group Rebuilding After Your Relationship Ends to begin or continue the process of letting go of our attachment to what we have lost.

To begin, spend some time thinking over the history of your relationship: how it began, when you knew it would be serious, problems or conflicts that developed, happy times together, how it ended. You can also apply this process with a job, home, status or anything you have lost. It can be helpful to outline some of the key events on a time line so you have a clear visual picture of the process of the relationship. Patterns in the relationship may become clear as well. One man who did this exercise in the group noticed that, while the first 5 years of his marriage involved many happy moments, the last 5 had involved many tragedies: a serious car accident, job loss, medical problems, foreclosure, legal trouble, losing a parent. With that setup, it is no wonder his marriage did not survive!

Look over the time line and use its entries to write your letter. Begin the letter by introducing the subject (“saying goodbye”), then listing all of the things about this relationship or job that you will find it difficult to live without and will miss. Examples might be: our first kiss, our dreams for the future, the home we chose together, having children together and the like.

You can then have a bit of fun and healing with this exercise by moving into all of the things that you will NOT miss about the relationship: her smelly feet, his bad habits, her personality quirks, his refusal to ask for directions. One woman in our group wrote that she would not miss, “Not being able to turn on the heat until the car is all warmed up!” I think we can all imagine that argument happening over and over.

Having a bit of fun with this exercise is part of the healing process as well. Just don’t be too quick to jump into the fun part. Make sure you have a complete list of the things it will be difficult to live without. Then move on to the fun part.

The purpose of writing this letter is not to use it as ammunition against a former partner. You are writing for your eyes–and heart–only. Just like forgiveness, you let go for yourself, not for anyone else. No one need know that you have let go and moved on. But you will….and that’s how it should be. Happy writing!

People Who Need People…

By Blue Waters Publications

Jul

29

The meeting of two personalities is like the contact of two chemical substances:

If there is any reaction, both are transformed.

Carl Jung

With this post, we complete our circuit of the Basic Needs wheel by discussing the Social Needs we all share as human beings. We humans are a social animal, in much the same way dogs, wolves and apes are social and survive best in a pack. We, too, need to have contact with other human beings on a regular basis just for the sake of companionship.

This contact can take many forms, but it cannot meet any other strict agenda. So, for example, the work meeting you were required to attend with your co-workers will not qualify as a social engagement; it is a work obligation and your supervisor’s agenda will control. However, if you all go out for coffee afterwards, your need for a social outing would be accomplished. All that is required is that the purpose of the contact is simply to share time and companionship with another.

Spend a few minutes thinking about your past seven days. Did you have occasion for a social outing? Did you take the opportunity? If not, take the time right now to set up something for the upcoming week. Pick up the phone and call a friend to make some plans. Schedule it right in your appointment book. After all, isn’t meeting your needs and caring for yourself at least as important as all of those other obligations you so dutifully enter in your calendar?

However, as we get busy, the social engagements are usually the first to be crossed off our list. When we do this, we cheat ourselves. In order to meet all of the other demands on you and your time, you need to be caring for yourself. In order to keep doing all of the things you are already doing, and minimize your stress, you must take this social time for yourself. If you don’t, you will pay a price. It may not be immediate; but it will happen. You will be out of balance and under stress, both physically and emotionally, and something will have to give. So, for the same reasons you are now dutifully meeting your other five needs, schedule some time with a friend right now when you are thinking about it. We grow and thrive in the company of others. As Carl Jung says above, you will both be transformed.

And remember the immortal words of Goldie Hawn as “Private Benjamin.” In the Army during Boot Camp, she and fellow soldiers are marching for hours with full gear in the pouring rain. In her time of stress, she looks up at the camera and says, quite prophetically, “I wanna go out to lunch!” Sounds like a good idea to me Judy Benjamin!

Relationships are our Teachers

By Blue Waters Publications

Jun

27

Mount Rushmore

I have no regrets in my life. I think that everything happens to you for a reason. The hard times that you go through build character, making you a much stronger person.

Rita Mero

It is said that relationships are our greatest teachers. Anyone who has ever experienced a breakup can attest to this. While in the throes of heartache and loss, we have the opportunity to learn much.

We can learn that we are able withstand great pain and still survive. And also that the world will not end simply because we will it. It also slowly becomes clear that if we simply put one foot in front of the other, eventually, this pain, too, shall pass and we will again be able to achieve happiness and contentment.

We also learn what we are seeking in relationships. Perhaps you were involved in a relationship with a person unlike any you had known before. She may have been very stubborn or independent or determined. He may have been meticulous about his appearance, obsessive about punctuality or very lax about his hygiene. Even if the termination of the relationship was not your choice, as you would have stuck it out for the long hall, once you are out of it, you may find yourself realizing that this type person was simply too difficult for you to be with. You may consciously choose to avoid romantic relationships with persons with similar characteristics in the future.

Additionally, you will eventually take stock of your own contributions to the relationship and your feelings about those as well. You may have found that in this relationship you were very demanding or clingy or jealous or aloof and you do not with to behave this manner in future relationships. If that is the case, decide that you will take steps to make changes in the way you act in connection with an intimate partner. You may have to seek therapy or do some reading or simply talk with a good friend to determine how to make these changes, but if not for this relationship and its end, you would not have the ability to have this insight into yourself, nor to be able to choose to make this change. You have thus learned much.

Intimate relationships are not the only type of relationships that teach us about ourselves, however. If there is an acquaintance or a coworker that you find yourself reacting strongly to in a negative way, it is appropriate to explore that further as well. Asking yourself, “Why am I reacting to this person?” can give you great insight into what his words or behavior are triggering for you. Perhaps he reminds you of your absent father on some level. Or maybe she is bossy and controlling like your older sibling was when you were little. We often have a strong reaction to others and then have an opportunity to again learn that we are still dealing with some issues we had thought were far in the past. This is another chance for us to grow. Consider it a blessing in disguise.

Even our lasting intimate relationships can teach us much. For example, I’m convinced that my husband of nearly 21 years was sent to teach me patience, as that has never been a strength of mine, but something I have learned a bit more of in our years together. And I believe I was sent to light a fire under him, as I believe he is sometimes too patient with life circumstances. To echo a common theme, even what we learn about relationships is all about balance.

If you think about it, the areas of conflict with those close to you might also be two sides of the same coin. One of you is punctual, the other habitually late. One is very neat, the other leaves things lying about. Our negative qualities compliment each other and in seeking to modify them, hopefully we meet somewhere in the middle—in peace and acceptance.

We Need to Connect

By Blue Waters Publications

Jun

3

A good friend is a connection to life—

a tie to the past, a road to the future, the key to sanity in a totally insane world.

Lois Wyse

To meet our emotional needs, we need to be connecting with other living beings. We need to give and receive affection, and to talk with others about feelings, hopes, dreams, thoughts and feelings. We need to be giving and getting regular hugs, knowing we are important to someone or something and that we have emotional support from some source when we need it.

Continuing on our exploration of basic needs, the “E” or emotional needs follows the creative needs we most recently discussed. Ideally we get this emotional connection through a number of sources. We hope we have it with our partners if we are in an intimate relationship. We can also get it from our children, parents and other family members, depending on their age and availability. Friends and co-workers may provide a great deal of this support as well.

We are not just talking about human beings, however. Pets can contribute a great deal to our emotional well-being. After all, who else is just thrilled to see you every day when you walk in the door, no matter what mood you’re in or whether you’ve had onions for lunch? Who else has waited all day just to plant a big sloppy kiss on your face?

There is some interesting research that documents the need for emotional connection with other beings. One study was done with babies in an orphanage in Romania during World War I. The babies’ physical needs were superbly met. They were contained in clean cribs and fed and changed meticulously, but they were never held. The only time they came in contact with humans and were touched was the few minutes when they were changed or bathed. They were fed by means of a bottle propped up near their heads. Even though the babies were clean, safe and adequately nourished, they were dying one by one, until someone figured out they were dying from the lack of human contact.

The second study that comes to mind involved chimpanzees. Baby chimps were removed from their mothers and put in cages with two surrogate mothers. One was a cold, hard wire “mother” to which was strapped a bottle by which the babies were fed. The other “mother” offered no food, but was made of a soft, cuddly material the chimps could snuggle up to. Overwhelmingly the chimps preferred the soft, cuddly mother and would only leave “her” to briefly feed from the cold metal “mother.” Their need for emotional connection was not be by food, but by touch, just like with the orphans.

If you are finding yourself lacking in support, seek it out. Talk with persons you are comfortable deepening your relationship with to see if they are resources to meet this need. In the event the person you choose is unwilling or unable to provide it or to expand your relationship, don’t take it personally. It most likely has nothing to do with you and everything to do with them and their life situation. Keep searching until you find the support you are looking for.

To Forgive is Divine

By Blue Waters Publications

Apr

7

Taos Mountain

“When you hold resentment toward another,you are bound to that person or condition by an emotional link that is stronger than steel.

Forgiveness is the only way to dissolve that link and get free.”

Catherine Ponder

Often I find myself working with clients who are hurting or have been injured or wounded by another person or situation. Perhaps a partner has been unfaithful; or they are experiencing a difficult divorce; in other cases a parent or a child may have done something that seems unforgivable. It usually takes some time to convince them that the person we hurt the most when we refuse to forgive and move on is ourselves.

When we hold onto anger, hurt or a grudge against another person, we tie up a significant amount of energy that we are focusing on that person or relationship. To understand this more completely, take a potato and write on it the name of a person who has hurt you in some way. Do this for everyone or every situation you have never forgiven or gotten over. Include as many as you can remember: the former partner who had an affair, the spouse who filed for divorce, the illness that is affecting your life, the sibling that treated you unfairly, the schoolmate who harassed you years ago, the parent or child who is ungrateful. When you’re done, gather all of your potatoes and put them in a sack. Keep the sack with you at all times. Take it with you everywhere you go.

How long would it take for you to grow tired of carrying it, or for your potatoes to sprout, fester and smell? Imagine how nice it would be to be free from the constant reminder of hurt, heartache and anger? By hanging onto old hurts we create more anguish for ourselves. When you forgive someone, you free yourself from an oppressive load of negativity. Forgiveness allows you to create peace in your life.

Some people are reluctant to forgive because they feel that forgiveness requires them to forget about the hurt. That is not necessary. You may forget in time, or the memory may get a bit fuzzy, but all that is required for true forgiveness is a desire to let go of the need to be angry and vengeful toward another.

Others are reluctant to forgive because they think it means they are condoning what was done to them; approving the hurt they have suffered. Or that it means the other person was somehow “right” in what they did. Or because it means they now have to accept their new status, be it divorcee, single person or whatever. The reality is, you will have this new status whether or not you choose to accept it. You simply cause yourself and everyone around you much less grief if you don’t fight changes that occur for you by kicking and screaming every step of the way.

So take a few minutes and recall someone who has hurt you or a pain you have suffered. Call it to mind and feel it briefly. Then, holding that hurt in your mind and heart, repeat the following:

“(Name of offender), I forgive you. What you did wounded me deeply. That does not mean we haven’t loved each other (been close, had good time, whatever the nature of the relationship has been). Forgiving you means I no longer want or expect anything from you. You are free to go on your way as I am free to go on mine. You are forgiven and we are both free.”

You can maximize the effect of this process by doing something ceremonial as well: lighting a candle at the beginning and blowing it out at the end, or perhaps writing the words above on a piece of paper, reading them, then burning them when you are done, imagining the smoke is carrying away your pain and hurt. Be creative. You will know best what will help you become at peace with the situation.

If another person is involved, you do not have to tell the other person you have forgiven them for forgiveness to happen. This process is just for you, to help you let go of the energy you have tied up in being hurt and angry. If you are new to the forgiveness process, you may want to start with a smaller hurt and work up to the larger more painful ones. But it is worth the effort. The future will then be yours to create! You will be free to make the most of it, rather than be stuck in the past. I wish you peace!

When God Closes a Door…

By Blue Waters Publications

Mar

12

Giant Sequoias

Life is Change;

Growth is Optional

Anonymous

Some years ago, I had this sign hanging on the wall of my office. It was there to remind me that change is to be expected as I am someone who tends to struggle with the unknown. Over the years, I have been working to accept change as a normal part of life; to prepare for it, expect it to happen and embrace it. As a therapist, I have seen the pain and destruction that can happen when one tries to resist change, hanging on to the past with full force, or fighting inevitable change, kicking and screaming every step of the way.

One of the reasons we fight change is that most of us feel out of control when things are unpredictable. We take great comfort in our stability; when we can predict what will happen next and in what order. However, this can cause us to become complacent, lethargic and unproductive. While we are all aware that too much stress in one’s life is a problem few people realize that too little stress is just as damaging as too much. If we are not challenged, we become bored and unproductive; not living up to our potential; not living the fulfilled lives we are meant to lead. Some change is healthy—and necessary.

Seek to embrace the changes you are facing in your life. Look forward to them; involve yourself in learning about new avenues open to you. Become consciously involved in charting your course; choosing the new direction open to you. If your job is ending, rather than simply looking for a new position in the same field, think about what you would like to do with your time. Consider taking a class or seeking additional training if it is a new field for you.

If you feel you have outgrown a relationship, or if a partner feels s/he has outgrown you, ask yourself what choices you have now that were not open to you when you were involved with that person. Perhaps your partner did not like your friends, so your time with them was limited. Perhaps he resented the time you spent at your favorite hobby so you had to limit your pleasurable pursuits. Maybe she wanted to live in a particular location that did not especially appeal to you; now you can choose a home that you prefer.

Remember, when God closes a door, he opens a window. But it is up to us to allow the window to remain open, rather than nailing it shut in an attempt to keep our lives the same. Throw your windows open wide and embrace your new life! Rejoice!

A Humbling Experience

By Blue Waters Publications

Feb

21

Mountain View

I’m meant to seek God in the high mountain tops;

the message finally got through the static;

a building just won’t suffice…

Ryan Berry

I was reading my son’s Facebook page the other day (yes, I do that too!) when the above quotation caught my eye. I located him in the family room watching the Olympics and asked where he had found that quote. “Why?” he asked, a bit suspicious. “Because I love it! I think it’s terrific! It’s exactly how I feel about the mountains.” He glanced down, looking a bit sheepish but trying hard to control the grin on his face and answered, “I made it up.”

I was blown away. My son had put into words,  so succinctly and powerfully, something I had felt and I’m supposed to be the writer! But this is exactly what I was referring to the other day when we were talking about spirituality and finding something that impresses upon you that sense of connectedness to all things. The mountains do it for me, and apparently, for Ryan.

For others it is the water; looking out over a calm lake or a stormy sea makes them feel at one with the world. Some find it in the falling snow; watching the individual snowflakes that make up a blizzard engenders that sense of oneness for them.  Still others feel most spiritually connected when walking through a forest, perhaps hunting or jogging or even snowshoeing. It can also be found in the midst of a city, but for many, there are too many distractions to find peace and connection there—though it is possible.

As we said before, each of us needs to find a way to create and enhance that sense of spiritual connectedness. For me it is in the mountains, and sometimes the forest. If you are struggling to find that for yourself, you might think about asking your children when they feel it. Their answers might just surprise—and humble—you. Thanks Ryan.