The Search for Serenity

By Blue Waters Publications

Nov

5

Serenity in modern society is elusive and difficult to find. Whenever possible, Terry and I look to spend special times in wild places to achieve a bit of peace. Please enjoy this post I wrote for the Woodalls RV and Camping Blog as it is the closest I have been to that serenity in quite a while. It has been a busy fall. Enjoy!

http://blog.woodalls.com/2011/10/a-hike-on-a-sea-of-gold/

And remember to pray for serenity. For a slightly new and updated variation of the Serenity Prayer, here is one I’ve heard recently:

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
The courage to change the things I can, and
The wisdom to know…IT IS ME!

Because in truth, the only person we can change is ourselves!

Wishing you Peace…

A New Year’s Tradition

By Blue Waters Publications

Dec

30

“If you don’t know where you are going

how can you expect to get there?”

Basil S. Walsh

Never having been a fan of the word “resolution,” which sounds too much like a demand or requirement, a family tradition has evolved over the years that leaves us with more positive and optimistic feelings. Each year we spend the week between Christmas and New Year’s up at our little cabin in the north woods. Over the last few days of the year, each of us is making a list of the things we have accomplished over the past twelve months and setting several goals for the New Year.

We compile these goals and achievements into a single document and then, after we eat dinner on New Year’s Eve, we sit in a circle in our sunroom, hopefully watching the snow gently falling on the white pines, and read them aloud in two parts. No one reads their own, however. Each child first reads the accomplishments of the next oldest child, then I read Terry’s and he reads those of our youngest child, who is now 18. The hope is that by reading achievements of someone slightly older but close in age, each will be inspired for the New Year.

Next we move on to the goals, in the same manner. It is always a pleasant and somewhat surprising experience to become aware of how many things each of us has accomplished over the past twelve months and encouraging and inspiring to hear what each hopes to achieve in the upcoming year. We generally finish the evening by playing board games, then watching the ball drop on Times’ Square. The tradition provides a nice closing touch to the old year and a hopeful start to the new one.

Achievements and goals vary from the practical and down-to-earth to those harder to quantify. What qualifies is up to the individual and his or her perceptions of what they feel good about and hope to achieve. One year a very practical achievement that was important to me was, “We now have only one baby in (cloth) diapers!” Other practical achievements have included “I worked out six days a week throughout the year” and “I dropped that last five pounds.” For the kids, achievements have included “Making the A Honor roll,” “Being selected for drumline in pep band,” “Getting a part in the play,” and “Being accepted to a college” of choice.

Goals for the New Year are often harder to measure. Some get added every year and become continuing goals for us to work on. One that has appeared for nearly 20 years is that of “Being good parents to our children, being gentle and understanding with them and imparting good values, helping them to become responsible and productive citizens of the world in which we live.” A bit lofty, perhaps, but a worthwhile objective nonetheless!

It does not matter what your goals and achievements are. What matters is that at some time during the year, be it New Year’s Eve as it is for us, or on your birthday or some other significant date, you sit down and take stock. You look to the past, then look to the future, seeing from whence you have come and setting your sights on where you want to go. Our quote above is true—we must know where we want to go to actually arrive there.

Remember, as Lewis Carroll said,

“If you don’t know where you’re going,

Any road will get you there.”

Rather, for each of you, my New Year’s wish or suggestion is, as Pamela Vaull Starr said rather eloquently, to

“Reach high, for stars lie hidden in your soul.

Dream deep, for every dream precedes the goal.”

So set your sights high, choose your path and proceed, full speed ahead! There may be challenges or impediments in your path, but you may surprise yourself and achieve some truly great and amazing things! What do you have to lose, other than the next twelve months of your life? Happy New Year!

Imagine the Positive!

By Blue Waters Publications

Oct

8

You are a living magnet.

What you attract into your life is in harmony with your dominant thoughts.

Brian Tracy

Sometimes when life is going well, we begin to worry about all of the things that could potentially go wrong. We, in fact, become our own worst enemy, locking our mind into a cycle of worry and negativity and, in many cases, experiencing about the very outcome we find ourselves dreading. If you are one of those who worry when times are good, take heed.

We tend to draw to ourselves exactly that which we fear or worry about. The best selling book and video, The Secret, espouses this very concept. In a nutshell, the theory is that energy is drawn to and attracted by like energy. So the more we focus on negative events, the more likely we are to experience them. And conversely, the more we focus on positive outcomes, the more good we receive.

There is much we do not understand about the power and workings of energy in this world but we have all had the experience of worrying about something only to have it actually happen, exactly in the manner we feared! And we have also focused on something we very much wanted to happen, only to have it take place right before our eyes. Science has actually proved that every thought we have creates a living, breathing molecule. If you have enough of the same thoughts, the worry becomes reality.

However, the good news is that this concept is true for our positive thoughts as well. Further, positive thoughts create stronger, more vibrant molecules than negative ones, which are even more likely to manifest in reality. Whether we call it positive thinking or manifesting molecules, we can use this to our best advantage.

Often when we have had one failed relationship, we have a difficult time trusting that a new one will work out. If we have had several unsuccessful connections, we may become all but certain the new one will end, only awaiting the final event. I would propose that when we do this, we actually draw this negativity into our relationship. Additionally, we are also more likely to act in ways that bring about that outcome. Thus, it is never helpful to assume the negative.

If this is how you operate, take a risk and give the positive a chance. Just for once, assume the relationship will work out, that you will end up living happily ever after. You may notice a nearly palpable physical change. You might feel relieved, but are also likely to feel calm, confident and excited about the possibilities for the new partnership.

If you want a happy, lasting relationship imagine yourself with this person for the long term. Feel the wonderful feelings associated with being in love and finding that love. You’re already invested, so you might as well assume it’s going to work out. Whenever you start to worry, change those negative thoughts to positive ones. Imagine the relationship working out and don’t spend a single minute of your precious life wasted with worry. This takes practice, so begin immediately! Life is too short to waste with negative thinking.

I Am Responsible for My Own Emotions

By Blue Waters Publications

Sep

9

Happiness is not having what you want but

wanting what you have.

Anonymous

The above quote is a tall order, as it seems the grass is always greener on the other side of the fence. Especially with the media and commercialism we are surrounded by today, it seems we are always being told that to be happy we should acquire more “things”—the newest cell phone, a fancier car, a larger home. These possessions cannot make us happy.

Another famous quote along the same lines by another wise but anonymous author is that most people “are generally about as happy as they make up their minds to be.” These quotes eloquently illustrate a concept that many of us are uncomfortable with or resistant to: that we are each responsible for our own emotions.

Many people resist accepting this concept because it lays all blame and responsibility for our moods on our own shoulders. Often, when we allow ourselves to become angry, upset or unhappy, we search for someone else to blame. It feels better to blame someone we feel is “at fault” or who has “screwed up” that to look in the mirror for the cause of our negative feelings. The most likely target for our ire and blame is typically someone close to us. Those closest to us are often the ones that see us at our worst for two reasons: 1) we feel safe to really be ourselves and to let ourselves go when we are with them and 2) we often feel that they would never leave or turn their backs on us, even when they see us at our worst. This then becomes the setup for our “blame-game.”

Rather than making us actually feel better, however, it gives power and control over our emotions to someone who is unable to fix or change them. Often the more a loved one tries to placate or appease us, the more frustrated and angry we get. This is because we have given our power away to a source that cannot make it better. We expend our energy in the wrong direction and do not feel any better for it. We must each recognize the responsibility lies solely within us and we are the only ones who can make ourselves feel better or appreciate what we have.

There is a Native American folk tale that illustrates this concept very succinctly. It reads:

A grandfather explains to his grandson that he has two wolves inside him. One wolf fills him with hope and reminds him how wonderful his life is, and the other fills him with doubt and convinces him that nothing is worth the effort. The grandson asks, concerned for his grandfather, “Which wolf will win?” The grandfather replies, “Whichever one I feed.”

Remember, the only person who can keep you happy and satisfied is YOU!

Don’t Take Anything Personally

By Blue Waters Publications

Jul

7

The art of being wise is knowing what to overlook.

Don’t take anything personally.

William James

I wanted to revisit the topic we discussed in March when we used Eleanor Roosevelt’s “No one can make you feel inferior without your consent” quote and explored the issue of self-esteem. Often things people do or say to us will cause us to question our values, our skills, our choices. This can be a good thing, in that we can emerge with greater confidence and clarity of our goals.

However, if it halts our progress and immobilizes us in the pursuit of these goals, it is not helpful and can, in fact, be quite harmful to us. At those times, we must practice William James’ idea of overlooking the comment. We can listen to it for a moment, hold it up to the light of day to see if it carries any weight for us and, if not, toss it aside like so much garbage so that we can move on.

Many, if not most, of the comments people make to us and about us are not about us at all, but about them. For example, your co-worker comes into work and does not respond to your cheerful “Hello!” You ask yourself, “Is she upset with me?” “Did I do something to offend her?” “Why isn’t she speaking to me?” Nine times out of ten what you will find when you explore the situation further is that she either didn’t hear you, she is thinking about the work she has for that day or perhaps, she had an argument with her partner and is focused on that. Much of the time it will have nothing to do with you.

Yet our temptation is to personalize everything. So you may spend the next few hours wondering what you did. Later that day you may work up a considerable amount of frustration, hurt or anger at her for being upset (you assume) with you. When she finally does acknowledge you, you may snap at her, thus creating the very conflict you were afraid was there. You will also have spent a considerable amount of time and energy ruminating about the issue. What a waste.

Let’s assume the positive! Because in most cases, the behavior of another has nothing to do with us, when we are tempted to personalize something, just let it go. Tell yourself, “This is not about me,” “She probably just has something else on her mind” or “Maybe she didn’t hear me” and go on with your day. Your mood and self-esteem will remain more positive and you will avoid creating the conflict by your own actions and assumptions. Remain confident and give yourself the gift of peace; rather than the torment of insecurity.

Relationships are our Teachers

By Blue Waters Publications

Jun

27

Mount Rushmore

I have no regrets in my life. I think that everything happens to you for a reason. The hard times that you go through build character, making you a much stronger person.

Rita Mero

It is said that relationships are our greatest teachers. Anyone who has ever experienced a breakup can attest to this. While in the throes of heartache and loss, we have the opportunity to learn much.

We can learn that we are able withstand great pain and still survive. And also that the world will not end simply because we will it. It also slowly becomes clear that if we simply put one foot in front of the other, eventually, this pain, too, shall pass and we will again be able to achieve happiness and contentment.

We also learn what we are seeking in relationships. Perhaps you were involved in a relationship with a person unlike any you had known before. She may have been very stubborn or independent or determined. He may have been meticulous about his appearance, obsessive about punctuality or very lax about his hygiene. Even if the termination of the relationship was not your choice, as you would have stuck it out for the long hall, once you are out of it, you may find yourself realizing that this type person was simply too difficult for you to be with. You may consciously choose to avoid romantic relationships with persons with similar characteristics in the future.

Additionally, you will eventually take stock of your own contributions to the relationship and your feelings about those as well. You may have found that in this relationship you were very demanding or clingy or jealous or aloof and you do not with to behave this manner in future relationships. If that is the case, decide that you will take steps to make changes in the way you act in connection with an intimate partner. You may have to seek therapy or do some reading or simply talk with a good friend to determine how to make these changes, but if not for this relationship and its end, you would not have the ability to have this insight into yourself, nor to be able to choose to make this change. You have thus learned much.

Intimate relationships are not the only type of relationships that teach us about ourselves, however. If there is an acquaintance or a coworker that you find yourself reacting strongly to in a negative way, it is appropriate to explore that further as well. Asking yourself, “Why am I reacting to this person?” can give you great insight into what his words or behavior are triggering for you. Perhaps he reminds you of your absent father on some level. Or maybe she is bossy and controlling like your older sibling was when you were little. We often have a strong reaction to others and then have an opportunity to again learn that we are still dealing with some issues we had thought were far in the past. This is another chance for us to grow. Consider it a blessing in disguise.

Even our lasting intimate relationships can teach us much. For example, I’m convinced that my husband of nearly 21 years was sent to teach me patience, as that has never been a strength of mine, but something I have learned a bit more of in our years together. And I believe I was sent to light a fire under him, as I believe he is sometimes too patient with life circumstances. To echo a common theme, even what we learn about relationships is all about balance.

If you think about it, the areas of conflict with those close to you might also be two sides of the same coin. One of you is punctual, the other habitually late. One is very neat, the other leaves things lying about. Our negative qualities compliment each other and in seeking to modify them, hopefully we meet somewhere in the middle—in peace and acceptance.

The “Mistakes” That We Make

By Blue Waters Publications

Jun

17

One who makes no mistakes

never makes anything

Anonymous

I like this quote but want to qualify one word in it: mistakes. Obviously the quote is intended to mean that if we risk or attempt nothing, so that we don’t make any “mistakes” we essentially become trapped or immobilized by our fear of failing. True, we do not fall on our faces, but neither do we achieve great things. Our lives are controlled by this fear and we accomplish little.

The reason I would qualify the word “mistakes” is that often something may appear to be an error when it is in fact simply a choice or event that turns out differently than we had planned. I can relate to this as my life is filled with examples and choices that one could view as mistakes, but I see them differently.

One of my first such “mistakes” was the decision to attend law school. Thousands of dollars and several years of work experience later, I came to the conclusion that I really wasn’t happy or fulfilled practicing law. As many women find, there is little satisfying emotional contact with the clients when working as an attorney. After much thought, soul-searching and a stint selling furniture to have some time to think and figure out my next step, I decided to pursue my initial goal of becoming a social worker. I completed graduate school and have been extremely fulfilled by my second career for many years. I do, however, use the knowledge and skills I learned in law school every day. While some may view it as a mistake, I have never regretted that choice as it has played an important part in the person and therapist I have become.

My second alleged mistake could be considered my first marriage. He and I met in high school and married several years later. We were together for 8 years when our daughter was born. A year or so later, he became involved in an affair and left me. I was emotionally devastated; this was the most difficult experience I have ever endured. Yet it made me stronger. And it gave me an amazing and beautiful daughter. And for many years we had fun together; in many ways we grew up together.

It is true that the marriage didn’t last, but perhaps it was not meant to; perhaps it was only meant to be a chapter in my life, not the beginning and the end. And this experience, both the marriage and the divorce, became a part of the person I have become. I find myself working with many clients experiencing divorce. I believe I have a unique perspective because I know how it feels. And many wonderful opportunities have appeared for me since that marriage ended; choices I would not have had had my husband not left. For those, also, I am grateful.

I have recently had another such “mistake” happen in my life. As many of you know, I love to write. I write books, blogs, travel articles and I journal regularly. Every day I write something. I was looking about for a new writing opportunity; a new challenge, when I happened upon a book company seeking writers to complete books that were partially written. I applied to write one of the three books available at the time: The Complete Guide to Building Barns and Outbuildings. While it is true that I have never built a barn, I have helped my husband build several outbuildings and we completed all of the finishing work on a log cabin shell we had constructed on our land near Eagle River. We are a very hands-on couple. And we have been talking about building a larger structure to house our camper and kayak on that same property.

I applied and was accepted and promised payment of $1400 for the 65,000 word book. Over the past 6 weeks, in addition to working full time, celebrating my son’s high school graduation and being a wife and mother, I have invested nearly 100 hours researching, writing and editing this book. I submitted my first 20,000 words several weeks ago and received back several hundred requested edits for this material. I made the edits and re-submitted the work a week later, again ahead of my deadline. The first payment, $420, would not be paid until this first segment was accepted and edited to the project manager’s satisfaction.

After I sent it off a second time, I began working on the second 20,000 words. I had completed over 17,000 additional words, so essentially 2/3 of the book was written, when I received the edited portion back again, with 100 or more new edits requested. Edits that I was expected to make, not that the editor had made or changed; I was expected to  go through and re-re-write this same section of the book again. When I have worked with editors in the past, they would typically edit the material to their satisfaction, not ask me to do that work as well. Further, these were edits that had not been identified the first time I had received that material back; they were new changes being requested for the first time.

At that point, after reviewing the mass of new edits required and having invested the nearly 100 hours already with no compensation, I decided that my time was worth more than what I would receive if I stuck with this project through completion. The terms of this arrangement, that I would be expected to both write and edit my own work, doing essentially two jobs while being paid, nominally, for only one, was not something that I understood would be expected of me at the outset. Seeing what was in front of me, I decided my time would be better spent on other projects that would be more satisfying and fulfilling than spending my summer re-writing the same material.

But was it a mistake to undertake the project? I think not. I see it as a great experience; a marvelous adventure! For one thing, I know that if I chose, I could complete this job and do it well. I also have had the opportunity to undertake a very intense 6 week course of study in the design and construction of barns and outbuildings—something I would not have done if I was not in the position of having to write the book. And, though I had to return my research materials provided by the company, I am left with a nearly completed manual, written in my own words, on how to build a variety of such structures. My husband and I have also had a number of conversations about the type, size and style of structure we want to build on our property and I am now confident we can build it. True, I received no financial compensation for this effort. But I received something greater: knowledge and experience.

While this could be another mistake, I consider it, like the others, an opportunity that did not turn out as expected. But what in life does? And if I had never taken the risk, in the first place I would never have learned what I now know—about myself as well as how to build a barn!

I Am Grateful

By Blue Waters Publications

May

21

Gratitude is not only the greatest of virtues,

but the parent of all others.

Cicero

Recent research in the new field of positive psychology has proven that happiness is not just nice to feel but has important health, wealth and wisdom benefits as well.  We discussed a few weeks back that happy people have significantly better physical health than unhappy people. We can invest in our health by investing in our happiness.

New research is showing that happy people are also smarter and more creative than the alternative and that they have more stable and happier marriages. No great surprise there—who wants to live with an old grouch? Research is also showing that happier people have higher incomes and greater success in their work lives; wouldn’t you rather deal with a happy salesman or accountant? Happier people have also been shown to be more generous with both their time and money.

A recent study of survivors who were in the Twin Towers on September 11, 2001, showed that happiness also helps us bounce back from trauma. People who were happier before the attack tended to bounce back more quickly than those who were not. In addition, those survivors whose pre-attack happiness levels were lower developed symptoms of PTSD much more frequently. It would seem it would benefit all of us to cultivate greater happiness worldwide.

But how do we do that? The practice of gratitude has been shown to reduce depression and increase happiness in persons who use it. One of the most powerful ways to practice gratitude is the following:

  • Several times a week, or as often as it occurs to you, jot down three things that have happened in the past 24 hours that you feel good about and would like to see continue.
  • Next, jot down one or two things that you did that you feel were good, right, ethical or noble.
  • Then rate your feelings before and after this exercise from 0 (meaning down or depressed) to 10 (as happy and content as you can imagine being). Even if you were feeling low before you did this exercise, just recalling these positive experiences should increase your mood by several points.
  • Finally, jot down something that upset you in the past 24 hours. Then try to think of how this might be a positive thing in your life, or have a positive component. The old making lemonade out of lemons as Erma Bombeck used to say.
  • Again rate your feelings, first when you identified the upsetting event; and again after you searched for a positive aspect of it. Most people find they feel more empowered when looking for the positive and are more able to choose how to process or view the situation.

Doing this exercise over a period of time should increase your overall happiness level. It is also helpful to create a gratitude journal, writing this exercise in it so that you are able to look back on it as often as you desire. What a wonderful chronicle of the best things in your life and in you!

Be Creative!

By Blue Waters Publications

May

7

Smoky Mountains

“All children are artists.

The problem is how to remain an artist once he grows up.”

Pablo Picasso

Continuing on the discussion of our basic needs, which we started near the beginning of the blog and abandoned for other interests a few weeks back, I would like to pick up on the “C” or Creative needs that we all share. Human beings have a need to be creating on a regular basis. Most of us are not aware of this need and even fewer make it a regular practice.

Before you assume this is an impossible task, let me reassure you there are many different ways to be creative. Obviously the first things that leap to our minds seem impossible to accommodate in our only-too-busy lives: drawing, water color painting, playing a musical instrument and the like. These activities take a considerable amount of time, preparation and even space to accommodate on a regular basis.

However, there are far simpler ways to meet our creative needs. Obvious choices for many women tend to be craft or needlework projects that can be done in piecemeal fashion and as time allows. Cost of supplies is often minimal and skills are easily acquired.

Gardening is also very creative. Planning a garden, for either food or beauty, requires a certain amount of the artistry that Picasso discusses above. Also able to be done in bits and pieces as time allows, gardening can fit easily into most daily schedules.

Writing is creative as well. It matters not whether you are writing poetry, short stories, general fiction or simply journaling daily events for your eyes only, you are exercising your creativity when doing so. If you enjoy journaling, but feel like you can’t commit to a daily entry, not to worry. It need not be a daily event, but something you do at least once a week.

Other ways of expressing creativity include the way in which we decorate our house or apartment, how we dress ourselves or our children, the foods we make or bake for our families and many other tasks we undertake on a daily basis. For men, creativity abounds in woodworking or home remodeling projects and is often required in solving home repair or maintenance tasks.

Creativity, it seems, is easy to incorporate into our everyday lives and need not take up a great deal of time out of our day. Necessary to our health and well-being, easy to incorporate, inexpensive and helpful, let’s get our creative juices flowing. And, if you do have the time or inclination to paint watercolors or play music, go for it! It’s good for you!

I Choose Peace

By Blue Waters Publications

Apr

22

No person, place or thing can irritate or annoy me.

Today I choose peace.

Affirmation

Listening to people talk about negative emotions is instructive. Most often, they fail to take responsibility for their feelings. Train yourself to listen for comments such as, “He made me so mad!” and “She really annoyed me!” from yourself and from others. It may be easier for us to deny responsibility for our difficult emotions and find someone to blame them on. But it is disempowering! Don’t give your power away!

Think about it. When we absolve ourselves of any responsibility for our upsetness, we also give away our ability to rid ourselves of that state. Our calm and peace is then also in someone else’s hands. Take back your power and take charge of your emotions.

As we discussed before, when we get upset about something, it means something in our past, some wound in our psyche has been triggered. If we can identify what it is, we have the power to change it. We can identify that we are jealous because a former partner cheated on us making us insecure in a new relationship. We can then reassure ourselves that we have no reason to mistrust our new partner and we need to work on learning to relax into the relationship. It would also be helpful to talk with your new partner about these insecurities and where they come from and to acknowledge that this is an issue you, personally, need to work on. These are positive steps you can take to change your situation.

If, on the other hand, you blame your partner for wanting to spend time with friends on a given evening, rather than with you, which triggered your insecurity in the first place, you lose the opportunity to grow in the face of change. If that process continues, the relationship will probably either end or be a miserable experience, because your partner will either cheat (because you assume s/he will anyway) or leave (because s/he gets tired of being unjustly accused). In either case, you give up your power if you fail to take responsibility for your emotions.

It can be helpful to make some change in this area by using affirmations like the one at the beginning of this entry. Repeating to yourself the simple statement above, can help to soothe and reassure you, even in the face of an upsetting situation. The power is in your hands:

Choose Peace!

The Simple Life

By Blue Waters Publications

Apr

15

“Life is Simple and Easy“

I have this quotation on a card that I keep always visible on my desktop at the office. On the reverse, the explanation continues, “All that I need to know at any given moment is revealed to me. I trust myself and I trust life. All is well.”

These simple statements help to remind me that life is full of choices and there is no such thing as an incorrect one. When we are deciding whether to stay with our current position or take the new opportunity life has offered us, the choice we make will simply dictate our path for a period of time. One choice is not the “right one” and the other “wrong.” They are simply different. They will lead in different directions but can both be good choices for us.

If we are choosing between dating one person or another, that will obviously dictate different paths as well. If choosing to start a family or remain childless, again, both appropriate but very different lifestyle choices.

Often we get stuck when attempting to make a big decision because we assume the IS one right choice for us. That can immobilize us because it seems so daunting; we want to be sure not to make the wrong decision. It can take the pressure off if we simply remind ourselves that there are many right paths for each of us and we are simply deciding between two of them.

The message on the reverse reminds of another important point. Each of us has the information we need to make the best choices for ourselves if we but pay attention to it. We all have a gut instinct that we are often trained to ignore or tune out as we grow up. People who have avoided destructive relationships, poor investments and tragic outcomes often will say, “It sounded like a good idea, but something just didn’t feel right,” leading them against that choice.

We need to re-train ourselves to again pay attention to our instincts and intuition (and no, not only women have it, but women are often slightly more tuned into it than men) when making important decisions. Finally, if the choice you made, be it a job, a relationship, an investment, turns out not to be such a great one, you can always make another. This is obviously not so easy if the decision is to have a child, but in that case surround yourself with supportive persons who can help you out and get some training in parenting.

But by all means, do not avoid making a decision because it is frightening. We are all anxious about making the wrong choice at times. Neglecting to decide, however, IS a choice: the choice to give up your power and allow opportunities to pass us by. To be alive is to take risks. I prefer to live life by taking some chances, both good and bad. After all,

“A ship in the harbor is safe, but that is not what ships are meant for!”

To Forgive is Divine

By Blue Waters Publications

Apr

7

Taos Mountain

“When you hold resentment toward another,you are bound to that person or condition by an emotional link that is stronger than steel.

Forgiveness is the only way to dissolve that link and get free.”

Catherine Ponder

Often I find myself working with clients who are hurting or have been injured or wounded by another person or situation. Perhaps a partner has been unfaithful; or they are experiencing a difficult divorce; in other cases a parent or a child may have done something that seems unforgivable. It usually takes some time to convince them that the person we hurt the most when we refuse to forgive and move on is ourselves.

When we hold onto anger, hurt or a grudge against another person, we tie up a significant amount of energy that we are focusing on that person or relationship. To understand this more completely, take a potato and write on it the name of a person who has hurt you in some way. Do this for everyone or every situation you have never forgiven or gotten over. Include as many as you can remember: the former partner who had an affair, the spouse who filed for divorce, the illness that is affecting your life, the sibling that treated you unfairly, the schoolmate who harassed you years ago, the parent or child who is ungrateful. When you’re done, gather all of your potatoes and put them in a sack. Keep the sack with you at all times. Take it with you everywhere you go.

How long would it take for you to grow tired of carrying it, or for your potatoes to sprout, fester and smell? Imagine how nice it would be to be free from the constant reminder of hurt, heartache and anger? By hanging onto old hurts we create more anguish for ourselves. When you forgive someone, you free yourself from an oppressive load of negativity. Forgiveness allows you to create peace in your life.

Some people are reluctant to forgive because they feel that forgiveness requires them to forget about the hurt. That is not necessary. You may forget in time, or the memory may get a bit fuzzy, but all that is required for true forgiveness is a desire to let go of the need to be angry and vengeful toward another.

Others are reluctant to forgive because they think it means they are condoning what was done to them; approving the hurt they have suffered. Or that it means the other person was somehow “right” in what they did. Or because it means they now have to accept their new status, be it divorcee, single person or whatever. The reality is, you will have this new status whether or not you choose to accept it. You simply cause yourself and everyone around you much less grief if you don’t fight changes that occur for you by kicking and screaming every step of the way.

So take a few minutes and recall someone who has hurt you or a pain you have suffered. Call it to mind and feel it briefly. Then, holding that hurt in your mind and heart, repeat the following:

“(Name of offender), I forgive you. What you did wounded me deeply. That does not mean we haven’t loved each other (been close, had good time, whatever the nature of the relationship has been). Forgiving you means I no longer want or expect anything from you. You are free to go on your way as I am free to go on mine. You are forgiven and we are both free.”

You can maximize the effect of this process by doing something ceremonial as well: lighting a candle at the beginning and blowing it out at the end, or perhaps writing the words above on a piece of paper, reading them, then burning them when you are done, imagining the smoke is carrying away your pain and hurt. Be creative. You will know best what will help you become at peace with the situation.

If another person is involved, you do not have to tell the other person you have forgiven them for forgiveness to happen. This process is just for you, to help you let go of the energy you have tied up in being hurt and angry. If you are new to the forgiveness process, you may want to start with a smaller hurt and work up to the larger more painful ones. But it is worth the effort. The future will then be yours to create! You will be free to make the most of it, rather than be stuck in the past. I wish you peace!

The Importance of Being Positive!

By Blue Waters Publications

Mar

24

Salt Lake

The state of your life

is nothing more than a reflection of

your state of mind.

Anonymous

This is a quote that I like to share with the groups that we do at Blue Waters. My preference is to write a new quote up on the grease board in the group room every week or two. While we don’t specifically discuss these quotes in most cases, sometimes they are “on point” with a topic we are tackling in the curriculum of the group and do get mentioned.

Even if they are not discussed, however, group members tend to read the quotations and ponder them (especially when bored with in group, which I hope doesn’t happen too often!). I believe this provides them with new ways to look at life and the people around them.

This is the quote I put on the board yesterday. In reflecting on it, it is easy to see how it is true. Several weeks ago we were discussing how we are all responsible for our own emotions. If we feel something, it is because our self-talk has created or manufactured that reality for us. We permit ourselves to get angry or frustrated or, to the contrary, happy and excited about our circumstances.

Therefore, when your life isn’t going the way you would hope, if it feels like you are living in a desolate wasteland, remember to look inside and investigate what you are telling yourself to create your misery or unhappiness. While the temptation is to look outward, that provides no opportunity for growth or change; nor does it solve your unhappiness. Look to yourself and change what isn’t working. Develop a positive state of mind for yourself and create the life that you want! The world is your oyster—make the most of it!

A Novel Idea…

By Blue Waters Publications

Mar

18

A mind stretched by a new idea

Can never return to its original shape

Anonymous

A few weeks ago we left off in our discussion of Basic Needs with the Physical requirements we all share. I would like to move on today to the “I” in our “SPICES”, our Intellectual needs. This is the need to be learning new things on a regular basis; to challenge ourselves with new ideas and new information. As in the quote above, learning new things forever changes us; molds us in new directions. We need to do this to remain healthy and well balanced. There is also recent evidence that challenging ourselves by learning new things helps to ward off Alzheimer’s disease, an added benefit. And it just makes life more interesting.

But many people are stumped by how to incorporate this need into their busy everyday lives. My goal today is to help you find some ideas that will make this easier for you. First of all, many of us are employed in fields that require some type of continuing education. This is one way to meet our intellectual needs, though it may not be the most enjoyable.

Others are enrolled in school programs to enhance their job skills or simply taking classes in subjects that interest them, whether or not they are related to employment. This works to meet your need as well. Any type of intellectual stimulation counts in this process.

Reading books or articles on subjects of interest to you also meets your intellectual needs. Just taking a walk through the new book section of the library should provide you with a number of volumes that peak your curiosity. Choose one, or two or three, and you are on your way. Even novels count for this purpose as they transport you into someone else’s life and reality, which is always a learning experience.

I tend to recommend reading or taking classes first because I believe we watch too much TV as a society, but television is one other way to meet this need. Watching programs on the History Channel or the Discovery Channel can be very educational and introduce us to novel ideas we would not likely encounter in other settings. My son Ryan is an avid Discovery Channel viewer; he loves to watch programs about how things work and has learned much. I can always tell when he’s been watching one of those shows because he will come upstairs from the family room all excited about this new idea or that. His curiosity is only stimulated by the ideas the programs share and that can only enhance his intellectual and educational accomplishments. So, if it’s TV for you, or for your children, make it the Discovery Channel and meet your intellectual needs as well as your desire for entertainment. Happy learning!

I Am Terrific!

By Blue Waters Publications

Mar

5

“No one can make you feel inferior

without your consent.”

Eleanor Roosevelt

As we travel through our lives, we all encounter persons and situations that trigger negative feelings; inferiority is one of those feelings commonly set off by events outside of ourselves. It may be that the individual says or does something negative or critical towards us and we walk away feeling put down. Or, perhaps the person we encounter is so accomplished in many areas that we put ourselves down.

When you become aware of that reaction in yourself, I want you to remind yourself of Eleanor Roosevelt’s famous quote above. It is absolutely true. If we are happy and content with ourselves, it matters little what anyone else thinks about what we have, where we work, who we are with. It matters not how or what anyone else can do.

If feelings of inferiority are triggered by another’s behavior or comment, it signifies that we have misgivings about our choices that existed even prior to our contact with them. It is in that case, helpful to have them exposed so that we may hold them up to the light of day and examine them closely so we are making wise choices with our time here on earth.

For, if we are led to question the work we are doing by another’s comment, perhaps examining it more closely would trigger another avenue we wish to explore. If we become aware of some dissention or unhappiness in a relationship because another has pointed it out, this can lead us to re-examine the relationship for ourselves. If there are issues, we can then bring them out into the open so they may be discussed and resolved. Or perhaps we will decide the relationship is no longer working for us. If another’s remark makes us realize we truly want to have a certain possession, it can cause us to explore why that item is so important to us. If the reason is valid, we can then outline an approach to attain it. In any case, becoming aware of this unhappiness is a benefit, a gift.

Comments and actions from others can also trigger issues that remain unresolved from our past. If self esteem or its opposite, a sense of inferiority, has been an issue for you throughout your life, this recognition could put you in a position to change that. Seek out a therapist specializing in self esteem work or do some reading on the issue by yourself.

A simple starting point is to list 25 positive qualities you possess. You may need to think long and hard about this but it is best if you come up with them yourself, rather than relying on others to do so. Think about genuine compliments people have paid you. Think about skills or gifts you possess in your interactions with others. Write them down. If you get stuck, put it away for a few days, then pull it out and it may be easier to complete. If all else fails, go ahead and ask someone close to you for a few ideas, but before you do, put some true effort into completing it yourself.

Keep your list in a safe place. Add to it whenever you think of a new quality. Then, whenever your feelings of inferiority are triggered, and you ascertain it is not due to unhappiness with your current situation that you can change, pull out your list and read it over. Read it several times. Let those wonderful words sink it; ponder them. Just appreciating the wonderful, special individual that you are should help you feel a bit better, your day a bit brighter.

I frequently use this exercise with clients. Inevitably they will refer to the Saturday Night Live segment with the actor affirming himself by saying something like, “I’m good enough, I’m smart enough and by golly people like me!” While this is an extreme caricature of what I am suggesting, it does bring a smile to the face, which is valuable in itself. Just check my previous blog on the power of a smile below…

Nothin’ But A Smile…

By Blue Waters Publications

Feb

26

“Thousands of candles can be lit from a single candle,

and the life of the candle will not be shortened.

Happiness never decreases by being shared.”

Buddha (Hindu Prince Gautama Siddharta)

In the movie “Six Degrees of Separation” the premise is that everyone in the world is only six people away from knowing or having a connection to everyone else. The popular game, “Six Degrees of Kevin Bacon,” is based on a similar idea. But recent research by a pair of British social scientists, published in The British Medical Journal has put forth a new twist on that theory: “Three Degrees of Connection.”

The pair used statistical analysis of thousands of participants and their research has shown that happiness actually spreads from person to person up to three connections away. For example, according to Nicholas Christakis, MD, a medical sociology professor at Harvard Medical School, if a friend of a friend of a friend becomes happier, “it ripples through the network and affects you, even if you don’t know that [first] person.”

In its simplest form, it may be something as remote as your friend’s friend’s friend being in a good mood and helping your friend’s friend be more cheerful, which affects your friend, which makes you happier when you are around her as well. After all, who doesn’t feel better being around someone who is happy, rather than an old grouch?

Proximity is a factor. For example, according to the research, a happy sibling who is only a mile away can increase your probability of happiness by up to 14 percent while a friend who is closer can increase it by 25 percent. A neighbor has the power to increase your probability of happiness by 34 percent—so be nice to those new neighbors that just moved in, they could have the power to really make you smile.

Christakis also notes that this effect also applies to smoking and obesity. His research has shown that when one person quits smoking or loses weight, others around him follow suit. While this is no basis upon which to choose your friends, it is food for thought!

This does not mean that you are powerless over your mood or that your happiness is always in someone else’s hands. We do create our own happiness with our thoughts and expectations. But it is easier to think more positive thoughts when in the proximity of people who are happy. We have all had the experience of having a bad day and coming in contact with someone, often a total stranger, who gives us a bright smile for no explicable reason.  All of a sudden our troubles just seem to melt away. The world doesn’t seem as dark; the challenges we are facing, not as overwhelming.

We can choose to BE that mood change for others as well. One benefit is that when we “act as if” we feel a certain way (happy, positive, motivated, etc.) we eventually will start to feel that way. Happiness is a state of mind. So by acting happy, we should start feeling better. But we also will have an effect on those around us. We will become that stranger that smiles at someone having a bad day and thereby help to brighten her day.

Further, smiling is a habit. With the state of the economy and all the problems we hear about every day, it is easy to fall out of that habit of smiling. But you can re-train yourself as well. Another group of researchers has concluded that if we merely devote five minutes a day to smiling—consciously smiling–after a short time, it will soon become a habit and a more automatic behavior. The whole world will be brighter as a result! I think it’s worth the effort. I can certainly afford the five minutes; can’t you? What do you have to lose?

Happy Birthday Kate! Sending a smile your way…XXOO ; )

Move It or Lose It!

By Blue Waters Publications

Feb

17

Cross country ski trail

If you don’t move your body,

your brain thinks you’re dead

I found this quote on an affirmation card purchased from a website (www.hayhouse.com) that offers many varieties of such cards for the support and encouragement of individual change. Continuing on our theme of Basic Needs that we started with the last post, I would like to address “Physical” needs next and think this is an intriguing way to do so.

We have many different physical needs as human beings. Some of the most obvious are food, clothing, shelter, air and sleep. I like to tell my clients that they should think of their bodies as a vehicle to get them where they need to be and to care for it in much the same manner. If we put good rich fuel in our cars, they will perform at their optimum level. The same is true with our bodies.

We can fill up on junk food, but won’t get the same response as if we consume good nutritious fruits, vegetables and proteins, foods that are rich in the vitamins and minerals we need to function at our optimum level. Think of this when deciding on a meal or a snack. Ask the question, “Will this help me or hurt me?” when choosing what to eat. You may find that more often than not you will make healthier choices.

Sleep is another important physical need. The average person needs 7-8 hours of sleep every night to be at her best. While some get away with less than that and others need still more, most of us do reasonably well with that amount. It is easiest for your body when it can predict when it will get that rest. Your body will function best if you have a regular pattern of sleeping and waking times. Even in the event of a job loss or layoff, it is best if you go to bed at your regular time and rise at or near the time you would wake when working. This is especially true in times of stress, and isn’t the loss of a job a most stressful time? You will function better if your body gets its rest at, and for, the regular time.

But the physical need I want to focus on today is exercise. When I ask clients about this, many of them (especially the men) tell me “I get all the exercise I need at work!” While you may move around at work and be on your feel all day, you are not getting what you need or what I mean by exercise. You need to raise your heart rate so you are getting an aerobic workout and it must remain increased for a period of at least 20-25 minutes. The recommendation used to be that we do this 3-4 times per week. In the last few years, that recommendation by those in the know who study health and aging have increased that to 5-7 days per week, even for the average person.

This doesn’t mean you need to run every day for a half hour. You can achieve a sufficient increase in your heart rate simply by walking, but it needs to be just about daily and for about 30 minutes. If you don’t move regularly, your body begins to tighten up; muscles start to atrophy. We lose any conditioning we may have achieved previously. We will have more aches and pains and more physical problems if we are not moving regularly.

You will also find that this practice helps you mentally and emotionally as much as physically. When we are active, our brain releases endorphins—the “feel-good” chemicals that give us the sense that life is good and any challenges we face are manageable. In short, our mood tends to improve when we are working out.

And, if you need any inspiration, now is the perfect time to get inspired! Watching even one event or one night of the Olympic performances that are happening over the next two weeks can inspire even the most sluggish and lethargic of us. Most of us aren’t born with the natural ability and simply don’t have the training to perform at that level, but we can go out cross country skiing or snowshoeing or get ourselves out for a walk.

Who can help but be inspired when we hear the stories of these athletes who have put in many hours of practice and training for their two to four minutes or two to four hours of participating in the Olympic Games in hope of a medal? Stories like that can inspire each of us to heave ourselves off the couch and get out for a walk. What do you have to lose? As Nike says, “Just do it!”

Worry No More!

By Blue Waters Publications

Feb

10

View of Great Smoky Mountains

“I am an old man and have known a great many troubles—but most of them never happened.”

Mark Twain

Worry is the most unproductive of all activities. When we obsess about a potential problem coming to pass, we are not accomplishing anything other than to make ourselves miserable. Worry cannot change the outcome and only causes us distress, often to the point of exhaustion.

Many people worry when they lay their heads down to sleep at night. The reason this tends to be a difficult time is that while you are up and moving around, your thoughts are often occupied by the activities you must accomplish before you rest and relax. When you lay down to rest, your mind is most often quieter, thus allowing space and opportunity for the worrisome thoughts to rise to the surface.

A good technique to quell these worrisome thoughts is something we call “thought-stopping.” Before going to bed, think of the most wonderful memory you can recall. Be specific in recalling every detail of this event. Get all of your senses involved. If it was a beach vacation, feel the hot sun on your face, hear the waves lapping at the shore, taste the cool drink you were sipping and so on.

Then, when you lay down to sleep and your troublesome thoughts emerge, mentally tell them to “STOP!” It often helps to imagine a light switch in your brain that you are switching to the “Off” position to stop your worries. Immediately after doing so, mentally take yourself back to the wonderful memory you had pre-selected. Recall all of the sensations you had evoked in your earlier visit to this event.

It is impossible for your brain to go in two directions at once. If you are able to stay “in” the memory, you will be unable to return to your worries. Practice helps and this process gets easier with time. Be vigilant in squelching those worrisome thoughts. They do not help you. When they try to return, just repeat the process again.

As a therapist, another technique I teach my “worriers”, and there are many, is to make a list in a notebook of all of the things you are worried about today. Put the list away for 30 days, then pull it out and look it over. Cross out all the troubles that never came to pass. Chances are you will cross out most of what you wrote. This can help you stop worrisome thoughts in the future, realizing it is just a waste of your time and your energy! Sweet dreams!

The Future is Mine To Create!

By Blue Waters Publications

Feb

7

“The ancestor of every action is a thought”

Ralph Waldo Emerson

Many clients who come into therapy believe that impulsive actions they take occur automatically, without choice on their part. If that were true, we would have no ability to make changes in our behavior. Likewise, when we believe this is the case, we give our power to change away to the winds of fate.

We have all known people who have made amazing changes in their lives, just through the process of deciding to do so: the friend who quit smoking, the relative who left an unhealthy relationship, the neighbor who quit using alcohol to excess. Perhaps we, ourselves, have made some amazing changes in our lives. These are just primary examples of what we know to be true.

Anything we do is preceded by a thought, which is the decision or impetus for the action. If I quit my job, I can let myself believe it was a spontaneous reaction to an unsatisfactory evaluation or criticism by my supervisor, but before I speak to my boss, I have entertained the thought of resigning.

This is true on a much smaller level as well. If I snap at my partner or child, I have had a thought that that response is necessary or appropriate. I can let myself believe I was just stressed and the reaction was spontaneous, but in reality it was based on a thought which led to and justified the behavior.

These thoughts can pass very quickly, with the speed of light, so fast that we may have no recollection of thinking them, especially if we are not aware of this process. But before they result in an action, the thought has inhabited your mind.

This is incredibly empowering information! This is the good news! This means that if we want to change our actions, we need only change our thoughts! If we believe we can accomplish something, we can. But if, on the other hand, we are certain we will fail, we will most certainly do that as well. Our future is in our hands! Or, in our thoughts!

Hello world!

By Blue Waters Publications

Feb

2

2009Door County 007

Welcome to the Blue Waters Publications Blog! I am excited about this opportunity to share some thoughts with anyone who will read them and will attempt to provide information that is both interesting and helpful.

Helen Keller once said,

“Life is either a great adventure or it is nothing!”

As a writer and a therapist, I generally reach people one at a time. This blog is an opportunity to reach large numbers of people with information I consider essential and helpful for all of us to live life to the fullest. Join me as I embark on our new adventure!

As a therapist, I am a firm believer in self-care and that is typically the place I start with new clients. Very often we are unhappy, frustrated, lonely (fill in the blank here with any negative feeling or emotion) because our needs are not being met. But the primary responsibility for meeting those needs lies with us. It is not selfish or narcissistic to focus on your needs—just healthy.

Nor can you rely on a partner, friend, parent or pet to meet those needs for you. If you do you will end up disappointed and, most likely, alone. No, dear reader, the responsibility is yours and yours alone.

To that end, I hope to give you some ideas or options in the days and weeks to come to consider for how best to identify what you need and how to get those needs met. You are likely to read some things you may never have thought about or considered, and be faced with some ideas that may seem foreign or strange to you.

This exploration is a healthy thing, however. If I filled this blog with what you already knew or had heard 1000 times, I would be wasting your time. You are here for a challenge; something to help you push the envelope. Enjoy our adventure!