Thought for Today:

By Blue Waters Publications

Nov

4

Holding a grudge

is like letting someone live rent-free

in your head!

 

The best reason to forgive is for yourself. When you hold onto old hurts, nurse them and nurture them and refuse to let them go, the only person you are hurting is YOU! You feel weighted down with the negative feelings, sluggish and held back with the baggage you are dragging with you ever step of the way.

Let go and feel the renewed energy you have. Focus on something positive in your life. Choose to let go of that hurt; to forgive trespasses. Feel how much lighter it makes you feel!

Refuse to house any unwanted tenants in your head. Life is too short and precious to choose to be stuck in negativity. Embrace the positive! Enjoy!

A Balanced Life…

By Blue Waters Publications

Mar

3

Lake Louise, Alberta, Canada

“Live a balanced life – learn some and think some and draw and paint and sing and dance and play and work every day some.”

Robert Fulghum

This is a more personal post than some others in the past and it concerns balance; the art of juggling your various commitments, interests and relationships to the extent you are fulfilled and happy, but not overwhelmed and depleted. Here is my story:

You may have noticed that my most recent post prior to this one was dated December 30th, 2010. In preparation for publishing and releasing my most recent book, Blue Waters Reflections…Thoughts and Observations Designed to Enrich the Mind, Soothe the Soul and Nurture the Spirit, released January 2, 2011, I had put myself on a rather rigid schedule of writing and posting. Then, after completing all entries for the year, I spent some pretty intense days editing, arranging, organizing, formatting and uploading the material into book form.  After sleeping, eating and breathing publishing for that time, I needed a break.

Once it was uploaded to Amazon for Kindle and to our website for download, I simply shut down. I walked away from this blog as I had become, in many ways, consumed with it for the last part of 2010. I took the break I desperately needed.

I did not stop writing. I completed six posts a month for my Woodalls blog (http://blog.woodalls.com) but these are like a vacation. I write about camping and RV trips we have taken and it makes me feel like I am traveling all year long. I also started the process of preparing to publish a second edition of a previous book, Romancing the Web, which I hope to release in January, 2012. And I kept to my journal. What I needed the break from was this blog.

So I took my time away; I took care of myself, got involved in other things and focused on other interests. This brief hiatus was necessary to maintain the integrity of the blog. I could have put together a few half-hearted posts, but refused to post until I felt I had something helpful to share. This is that lesson:

We all have times when we feel overwhelmed and depleted, when we need to get away from the daily grind. When that happens, perhaps you can’t just walk away from your job or your family. I certainly didn’t. I maintained my regular work hours and my involvement with my family. But I took a break from one thing in my life that was contributing to my malaise: the blog. I took care to nurture myself. And I gave myself the time I needed to get ready to come back.

I’m refreshed, I’m ready and I’m back. My goal is to post at least every other week. But I am also willing to post less or more often if that is what I need at the time. That is the key to balance. Listening to your body and your soul and doing what they need at exactly that moment in time.

I challenge you to try this for yourself: at least once this week, pay attention to the messages you are getting from those sources and take some action to care for yourself and achieve that balance. Aren’t you at least as important as all of those other commitments you have made? And how do you expect to meet those commitments if you don’t take care of yourself first?

The answer is, you can’t. Take care of yourself so that you can care for those who are important to you. Enjoy your break. It’s good to be back!

Note: The photo that appears with this post not only reflects balance, but also is the cover photo from the Blue Waters Reflections book. That seemed appropriate on many levels. Thanks for your patience!  D

To Love Yourself

By Blue Waters Publications

Nov

4

It’s only a thought

And a thought can be changed

Anonymous

Today I would like to pick up on a theme we touched on briefly in my last post: that of our bodies and minds believing what we say when we talk to ourselves. Many of us are especially critical of our bodies and our appearance. We could lose or gain a few pounds or perhaps our teeth aren’t perfect or our hair is getting gray. But we become our own worst enemies when we criticize and berate ourselves because what we think and believe about who we are determines how we look and feel. What I am going to say may sound a bit far-fetched but it is backed by solid science, so please bear with me.

Our thoughts and beliefs create energy, which influences matter. After all, matter, at its most basic level, is energy. These are core principles of quantum physics, which is the study of the building blocks of the entire universe.

Our bodies are made up of organs, tissue and bone, which are composed, as we all know, of cells.  Cells are made up of molecules which are composed of atoms and atoms are, in turn, made up of sub-atomic particles as electrons and the like. These particles are simply energy, which exists as a wave, until you observe or notice it. It then becomes a particle until you cease to observe it, and it becomes a wave again.

It is, therefore, your observation, or your attention or intention, that creates what you see around you. Our consciousness is involved in the creation of everything we observe. If you can manage to affirm yourself, including who you are and how you look right now, then further beauty will come to you far more quickly. But if you can’t genuinely love and appreciate yourself as you are, you will still make progress if you “fake it ‘til you make it.”

Rather than berating ourselves for being overweight or out of shape or growing older, if we can love ourselves just as we are, we will, in turn, create more beauty and health by our very thoughts. Using affirmations and telling yourself “I love and appreciate you just as you are” will likely create wonderful results in both your mind and body. Just as a contrary statement will likely cause further damage.

Even if you find the science of this process difficult to believe and hard to accept, what do you have to lose? Except, maybe, a few minutes saying something nice to yourself! And who couldn’t use one extra compliment every day?

The Importance of Affirming Ourselves

By Blue Waters Publications

Oct

21

When a man finds no peace within himself

it is useless to seek it elsewhere.

L. A. Rouchefolicould

Many of us get into relationships with people we believe will complete us, because we feel inadequate, incomplete or alone. Yet once the newness wears off, we find we are still incomplete, inadequate and alone. This is because no one can complete us; we must complete ourselves.

However, when we are feeling this way, it is an indication that we have some work to do. It may be our self-esteem that needs work. Or perhaps our childhood has left us feeling incapable and inadequate. Whatever the reason, some work with affirmations can do the trick.

Many of us are not kind when we talk to ourselves. And we all talk to ourselves. We inwardly exclaim, “What an idiot you are!” or we ask “How could you be so stupid?” when we make a mistake. Our bodies and our minds truly believe everything we say when we talk to ourselves. We can either choose to change this, by working with affirmations to treat ourselves more gently, or we can beat ourselves into the ground and become our own worst enemy.

Affirmations are nothing more than simple positive statements that we say as if we already believed they were true. Some more common examples are:

“I am whole and complete in myself.”

“I am completely adequate for all situations.”

“I now have a perfect, satisfying and well paying job.”

“I love and appreciate myself just as I am.”

The most typical manner of using affirmations is simply to read them to yourself as often as it occurs to you. A more effective method involves choosing 2-3 affirmations and making a plan to read each 3 times over, 3 times a day.  Write them on a card and keep cards in several easily accessible places: in your purse, inside the bathroom medicine cabinet, on your desk at work, etc.

Also, though it feels awkward at first, it is more effective if you read them out loud to yourself, while looking at yourself in a mirror. Trust me, you CAN get used to doing this. Everyone feels awkward at first. But it quadruples the effect of the affirmations, as you are reading them, saying them, hearing them and seeing yourself say them. It’s worth the extra effort.

Be religious about doing them regularly. The more consistent you can be, the greater the effect you will notice. Though you might feel at first like the skit on Saturday Night Live that we have all seen, you should find yourself starting to feel more positive, optimistic and creative after about two weeks of regular practice. And it’s a far easier task to change and improve yourself than looking for a partner who can complete the parts of yourself you are not happy with.

The best affirmations are not those you may read in books or blog posts, but ones you create yourself, in your own words. Try to come up with these simple positive statements on your own but if you cannot, find yourself a good resource for affirmations and re-write several so they are stated in words you would use. One good resource is “Creative Visualization” by Shakti Gawain (Bantam, 1978). While this is an older book, it is an excellent resource for affirmation work.

Once you have chosen your statements, make your plan for how and when you will do them. My strong recommendation is to follow the process described above. As far as timing, whatever works with your schedule and is easy for you to remember is best: breakfast, lunch, dinner and morning, noon, night, are three popular examples for timing. Then, as Nike says, “Just do it!” After all, you’re worth it!

The Art of Being Mindful

By Blue Waters Publications

Aug

26

“Between stimulus and response there is a space.

In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom”

~ Victor Frankl

The quality of being “mindful” is defined by Webster’s New World Dictionary as “Having in mind; aware, heedful or careful” (Simon & Schuster,  1991).  “Mindfulness” can be described as being completely in touch with and aware of the present moment. Another component in common definitions of mindfulness is that of simply accepting what is; taking a non-evaluative and non-judgmental approach to your inner experience. Simply view it with openness and curiosity. Therefore, a mindful approach to your inner self might simply be viewing thoughts as thoughts, nothing more; neither judging nor evaluating them. Just accepting them and letting them pass on by.

Practicing mindfulness is one effective way to manage stress.  It helps you to let go of all the busyness of your daily existence and simply clear your mind. Very similar to meditation, the practice will leave you feeling refreshed and relaxed, even on the heels of a stressful day.

To practice mindfulness, find yourself a quiet place where you will not be interrupted or disturbed. Settle yourself in a sitting position and clear your mind. Focus only on the present moment with your open and curious mind. If you find it difficult to clear your head, concentrate on your breathing, counting the breaths if you need to, to maintain your focus. Once you reach a count of ten, you can either start over or count backwards to one.

It can also be helpful to read over a quotation such as the one stated above as you begin your practice. Once you have chosen a quote, read it over twice to let the words really settle into your mind. Bring your mind back if it wanders into daily events.

Pay attention to your body. Notice how each part of your body is feeling but do not label or interpret the sensations. Simply accept them. For example, if you are outside, feel the breeze on your face and notice the color of the wildflowers in the meadow. Involve all of your senses in this awareness: Sight, smell, sound, touch, taste.

Practice mindfulness regularly. The more you do it, the more you benefit from it. Get in the habit of practicing often. You need not be sitting still to be mindful. This is an exercise you can do when you are walking, driving or exercising. You should find yourself feeling more at relaxed and contented if you regularly make time to be mindful. Wishing you peace…

The Process of Loss

By Blue Waters Publications

Jul

30

When you are sorrowful look again in your heart, and you shall see that in truth you are weeping for that which has been your delight.

~Kahlil Gibran

This is my favorite quote about grief. For indeed, why would we mourn the loss of something that gave us only conflict and distress. We grieve that to which we have connected emotionally; that which has made our lives richer and more fulfilling. But being aware of the process of grief helps us to understand it and, perhaps, move through it more easily.

Back in 1969, Dr. Elisabeth Kubler-Ross wrote her landmark work about the grief experience, On Death and Dying (MacMillan Publishing, 1970). She had been working for a number of years as a physician with terminally ill patients. Over the years of observing the ill from the point of their initial diagnosis through the time of their death, she identified five steps that persons with terminal illness experience in coming to terms with their illness. These five steps or stages, as they came to be called, came to be known as the grief process.

Upon being apprised of their fate, and the likelihood of their death, most patients would initially react with Denial. This was often exhibited by statements such as, “I’m not going to die,” “They’ll find a cure,” and “I’m going to beat this disease.” It was also marked by a state of numbness or shock at the  findings, and a refusal to accept the finality and inevitability of the result.

After the denial stage came Anger at their fate. Now realizing what would likely happen, many would rail, “This isn’t fair!” and “Why did this have to happen to me?” Bitterness and resentment often accompanied this stage.

Following anger came a Bargaining stage. Patients would attempt to bargain for a more promising outcome, often turning to God as the object of their pleas. Statements such as “I will do anything if you only make me well,”  “I will be the most devout Christian (Catholic, Jew, etc) in the world if you make me well,” and “I will go to Church every Sunday,” and the like are not uncommon at this stage of the process. Patients seem not to understand the futility of their requests because they have not yet reached the state of accepting their illness and its likely outcome.

As bargaining subsides, Depression and Withdrawal take over. Along with a depressed mood and melancholy, this stage also includes the beginning of the withdrawal from persons, places and things in which the patient had previously been invested. Things that used to matter a great deal do not provoke the same reactions as they formerly did at this point.

This pulling away from things that used to be important to the patient is the beginning of the final stage, Acceptance. At this point the patient begins to accept her fate and may begin to find some peace in it, if she lives long enough to have worked through the stages to this point. Persons who move very quickly from diagnosis to death may not have sufficient time to work through all five stages. Entry into this stage may become apparent if the person begins to discuss the outcome with others or to plan for “after I’m gone.”

Persons may cycle through the stages several times before achieving acceptance and can get stuck in one stage or several. The most typical sticking points are anger and depression because they are painful to move through. The temptation is to “stuff” or medicate these uncomfortable feelings, rather than to face them. But everyone experiencing this type of loss begins with some level of denial and, if they work through the entire process, ends with acceptance.

Some years later it was discovered that persons experienced this same process whenever they faced any significant loss in their lives. Researchers discovered that it did not matter if the loss was their own life, as in the patients with whom Kubler-Ross worked, or if it was the loss of a parent, child, sibling or spouse whether the loss occurred through divorce or the loss of a home of job they loved. Even the loss of a pet could initiate the grieving process.

Whenever we have a new loss, to a certain extent all unresolved losses we have experienced but not completely worked through get brought to the surface. It is helpful to think back over your life and your losses and if there are any on which you have some work left to do, spend some time doing so now before life hands you another challenge. Talk to a therapist or a good friend, do some journaling or just give some serious thought to the loss and the stages of grieving it. Recall what you are missing the most in regard to the loss. Then you will be in the best place to cope with whatever life throws your way.

People Who Need People…

By Blue Waters Publications

Jul

29

The meeting of two personalities is like the contact of two chemical substances:

If there is any reaction, both are transformed.

Carl Jung

With this post, we complete our circuit of the Basic Needs wheel by discussing the Social Needs we all share as human beings. We humans are a social animal, in much the same way dogs, wolves and apes are social and survive best in a pack. We, too, need to have contact with other human beings on a regular basis just for the sake of companionship.

This contact can take many forms, but it cannot meet any other strict agenda. So, for example, the work meeting you were required to attend with your co-workers will not qualify as a social engagement; it is a work obligation and your supervisor’s agenda will control. However, if you all go out for coffee afterwards, your need for a social outing would be accomplished. All that is required is that the purpose of the contact is simply to share time and companionship with another.

Spend a few minutes thinking about your past seven days. Did you have occasion for a social outing? Did you take the opportunity? If not, take the time right now to set up something for the upcoming week. Pick up the phone and call a friend to make some plans. Schedule it right in your appointment book. After all, isn’t meeting your needs and caring for yourself at least as important as all of those other obligations you so dutifully enter in your calendar?

However, as we get busy, the social engagements are usually the first to be crossed off our list. When we do this, we cheat ourselves. In order to meet all of the other demands on you and your time, you need to be caring for yourself. In order to keep doing all of the things you are already doing, and minimize your stress, you must take this social time for yourself. If you don’t, you will pay a price. It may not be immediate; but it will happen. You will be out of balance and under stress, both physically and emotionally, and something will have to give. So, for the same reasons you are now dutifully meeting your other five needs, schedule some time with a friend right now when you are thinking about it. We grow and thrive in the company of others. As Carl Jung says above, you will both be transformed.

And remember the immortal words of Goldie Hawn as “Private Benjamin.” In the Army during Boot Camp, she and fellow soldiers are marching for hours with full gear in the pouring rain. In her time of stress, she looks up at the camera and says, quite prophetically, “I wanna go out to lunch!” Sounds like a good idea to me Judy Benjamin!

We Need to Connect

By Blue Waters Publications

Jun

3

A good friend is a connection to life—

a tie to the past, a road to the future, the key to sanity in a totally insane world.

Lois Wyse

To meet our emotional needs, we need to be connecting with other living beings. We need to give and receive affection, and to talk with others about feelings, hopes, dreams, thoughts and feelings. We need to be giving and getting regular hugs, knowing we are important to someone or something and that we have emotional support from some source when we need it.

Continuing on our exploration of basic needs, the “E” or emotional needs follows the creative needs we most recently discussed. Ideally we get this emotional connection through a number of sources. We hope we have it with our partners if we are in an intimate relationship. We can also get it from our children, parents and other family members, depending on their age and availability. Friends and co-workers may provide a great deal of this support as well.

We are not just talking about human beings, however. Pets can contribute a great deal to our emotional well-being. After all, who else is just thrilled to see you every day when you walk in the door, no matter what mood you’re in or whether you’ve had onions for lunch? Who else has waited all day just to plant a big sloppy kiss on your face?

There is some interesting research that documents the need for emotional connection with other beings. One study was done with babies in an orphanage in Romania during World War I. The babies’ physical needs were superbly met. They were contained in clean cribs and fed and changed meticulously, but they were never held. The only time they came in contact with humans and were touched was the few minutes when they were changed or bathed. They were fed by means of a bottle propped up near their heads. Even though the babies were clean, safe and adequately nourished, they were dying one by one, until someone figured out they were dying from the lack of human contact.

The second study that comes to mind involved chimpanzees. Baby chimps were removed from their mothers and put in cages with two surrogate mothers. One was a cold, hard wire “mother” to which was strapped a bottle by which the babies were fed. The other “mother” offered no food, but was made of a soft, cuddly material the chimps could snuggle up to. Overwhelmingly the chimps preferred the soft, cuddly mother and would only leave “her” to briefly feed from the cold metal “mother.” Their need for emotional connection was not be by food, but by touch, just like with the orphans.

If you are finding yourself lacking in support, seek it out. Talk with persons you are comfortable deepening your relationship with to see if they are resources to meet this need. In the event the person you choose is unwilling or unable to provide it or to expand your relationship, don’t take it personally. It most likely has nothing to do with you and everything to do with them and their life situation. Keep searching until you find the support you are looking for.

I Am Grateful

By Blue Waters Publications

May

21

Gratitude is not only the greatest of virtues,

but the parent of all others.

Cicero

Recent research in the new field of positive psychology has proven that happiness is not just nice to feel but has important health, wealth and wisdom benefits as well.  We discussed a few weeks back that happy people have significantly better physical health than unhappy people. We can invest in our health by investing in our happiness.

New research is showing that happy people are also smarter and more creative than the alternative and that they have more stable and happier marriages. No great surprise there—who wants to live with an old grouch? Research is also showing that happier people have higher incomes and greater success in their work lives; wouldn’t you rather deal with a happy salesman or accountant? Happier people have also been shown to be more generous with both their time and money.

A recent study of survivors who were in the Twin Towers on September 11, 2001, showed that happiness also helps us bounce back from trauma. People who were happier before the attack tended to bounce back more quickly than those who were not. In addition, those survivors whose pre-attack happiness levels were lower developed symptoms of PTSD much more frequently. It would seem it would benefit all of us to cultivate greater happiness worldwide.

But how do we do that? The practice of gratitude has been shown to reduce depression and increase happiness in persons who use it. One of the most powerful ways to practice gratitude is the following:

  • Several times a week, or as often as it occurs to you, jot down three things that have happened in the past 24 hours that you feel good about and would like to see continue.
  • Next, jot down one or two things that you did that you feel were good, right, ethical or noble.
  • Then rate your feelings before and after this exercise from 0 (meaning down or depressed) to 10 (as happy and content as you can imagine being). Even if you were feeling low before you did this exercise, just recalling these positive experiences should increase your mood by several points.
  • Finally, jot down something that upset you in the past 24 hours. Then try to think of how this might be a positive thing in your life, or have a positive component. The old making lemonade out of lemons as Erma Bombeck used to say.
  • Again rate your feelings, first when you identified the upsetting event; and again after you searched for a positive aspect of it. Most people find they feel more empowered when looking for the positive and are more able to choose how to process or view the situation.

Doing this exercise over a period of time should increase your overall happiness level. It is also helpful to create a gratitude journal, writing this exercise in it so that you are able to look back on it as often as you desire. What a wonderful chronicle of the best things in your life and in you!

Be Creative!

By Blue Waters Publications

May

7

Smoky Mountains

“All children are artists.

The problem is how to remain an artist once he grows up.”

Pablo Picasso

Continuing on the discussion of our basic needs, which we started near the beginning of the blog and abandoned for other interests a few weeks back, I would like to pick up on the “C” or Creative needs that we all share. Human beings have a need to be creating on a regular basis. Most of us are not aware of this need and even fewer make it a regular practice.

Before you assume this is an impossible task, let me reassure you there are many different ways to be creative. Obviously the first things that leap to our minds seem impossible to accommodate in our only-too-busy lives: drawing, water color painting, playing a musical instrument and the like. These activities take a considerable amount of time, preparation and even space to accommodate on a regular basis.

However, there are far simpler ways to meet our creative needs. Obvious choices for many women tend to be craft or needlework projects that can be done in piecemeal fashion and as time allows. Cost of supplies is often minimal and skills are easily acquired.

Gardening is also very creative. Planning a garden, for either food or beauty, requires a certain amount of the artistry that Picasso discusses above. Also able to be done in bits and pieces as time allows, gardening can fit easily into most daily schedules.

Writing is creative as well. It matters not whether you are writing poetry, short stories, general fiction or simply journaling daily events for your eyes only, you are exercising your creativity when doing so. If you enjoy journaling, but feel like you can’t commit to a daily entry, not to worry. It need not be a daily event, but something you do at least once a week.

Other ways of expressing creativity include the way in which we decorate our house or apartment, how we dress ourselves or our children, the foods we make or bake for our families and many other tasks we undertake on a daily basis. For men, creativity abounds in woodworking or home remodeling projects and is often required in solving home repair or maintenance tasks.

Creativity, it seems, is easy to incorporate into our everyday lives and need not take up a great deal of time out of our day. Necessary to our health and well-being, easy to incorporate, inexpensive and helpful, let’s get our creative juices flowing. And, if you do have the time or inclination to paint watercolors or play music, go for it! It’s good for you!

I Choose Peace

By Blue Waters Publications

Apr

22

No person, place or thing can irritate or annoy me.

Today I choose peace.

Affirmation

Listening to people talk about negative emotions is instructive. Most often, they fail to take responsibility for their feelings. Train yourself to listen for comments such as, “He made me so mad!” and “She really annoyed me!” from yourself and from others. It may be easier for us to deny responsibility for our difficult emotions and find someone to blame them on. But it is disempowering! Don’t give your power away!

Think about it. When we absolve ourselves of any responsibility for our upsetness, we also give away our ability to rid ourselves of that state. Our calm and peace is then also in someone else’s hands. Take back your power and take charge of your emotions.

As we discussed before, when we get upset about something, it means something in our past, some wound in our psyche has been triggered. If we can identify what it is, we have the power to change it. We can identify that we are jealous because a former partner cheated on us making us insecure in a new relationship. We can then reassure ourselves that we have no reason to mistrust our new partner and we need to work on learning to relax into the relationship. It would also be helpful to talk with your new partner about these insecurities and where they come from and to acknowledge that this is an issue you, personally, need to work on. These are positive steps you can take to change your situation.

If, on the other hand, you blame your partner for wanting to spend time with friends on a given evening, rather than with you, which triggered your insecurity in the first place, you lose the opportunity to grow in the face of change. If that process continues, the relationship will probably either end or be a miserable experience, because your partner will either cheat (because you assume s/he will anyway) or leave (because s/he gets tired of being unjustly accused). In either case, you give up your power if you fail to take responsibility for your emotions.

It can be helpful to make some change in this area by using affirmations like the one at the beginning of this entry. Repeating to yourself the simple statement above, can help to soothe and reassure you, even in the face of an upsetting situation. The power is in your hands:

Choose Peace!

A Novel Idea…

By Blue Waters Publications

Mar

18

A mind stretched by a new idea

Can never return to its original shape

Anonymous

A few weeks ago we left off in our discussion of Basic Needs with the Physical requirements we all share. I would like to move on today to the “I” in our “SPICES”, our Intellectual needs. This is the need to be learning new things on a regular basis; to challenge ourselves with new ideas and new information. As in the quote above, learning new things forever changes us; molds us in new directions. We need to do this to remain healthy and well balanced. There is also recent evidence that challenging ourselves by learning new things helps to ward off Alzheimer’s disease, an added benefit. And it just makes life more interesting.

But many people are stumped by how to incorporate this need into their busy everyday lives. My goal today is to help you find some ideas that will make this easier for you. First of all, many of us are employed in fields that require some type of continuing education. This is one way to meet our intellectual needs, though it may not be the most enjoyable.

Others are enrolled in school programs to enhance their job skills or simply taking classes in subjects that interest them, whether or not they are related to employment. This works to meet your need as well. Any type of intellectual stimulation counts in this process.

Reading books or articles on subjects of interest to you also meets your intellectual needs. Just taking a walk through the new book section of the library should provide you with a number of volumes that peak your curiosity. Choose one, or two or three, and you are on your way. Even novels count for this purpose as they transport you into someone else’s life and reality, which is always a learning experience.

I tend to recommend reading or taking classes first because I believe we watch too much TV as a society, but television is one other way to meet this need. Watching programs on the History Channel or the Discovery Channel can be very educational and introduce us to novel ideas we would not likely encounter in other settings. My son Ryan is an avid Discovery Channel viewer; he loves to watch programs about how things work and has learned much. I can always tell when he’s been watching one of those shows because he will come upstairs from the family room all excited about this new idea or that. His curiosity is only stimulated by the ideas the programs share and that can only enhance his intellectual and educational accomplishments. So, if it’s TV for you, or for your children, make it the Discovery Channel and meet your intellectual needs as well as your desire for entertainment. Happy learning!

When God Closes a Door…

By Blue Waters Publications

Mar

12

Giant Sequoias

Life is Change;

Growth is Optional

Anonymous

Some years ago, I had this sign hanging on the wall of my office. It was there to remind me that change is to be expected as I am someone who tends to struggle with the unknown. Over the years, I have been working to accept change as a normal part of life; to prepare for it, expect it to happen and embrace it. As a therapist, I have seen the pain and destruction that can happen when one tries to resist change, hanging on to the past with full force, or fighting inevitable change, kicking and screaming every step of the way.

One of the reasons we fight change is that most of us feel out of control when things are unpredictable. We take great comfort in our stability; when we can predict what will happen next and in what order. However, this can cause us to become complacent, lethargic and unproductive. While we are all aware that too much stress in one’s life is a problem few people realize that too little stress is just as damaging as too much. If we are not challenged, we become bored and unproductive; not living up to our potential; not living the fulfilled lives we are meant to lead. Some change is healthy—and necessary.

Seek to embrace the changes you are facing in your life. Look forward to them; involve yourself in learning about new avenues open to you. Become consciously involved in charting your course; choosing the new direction open to you. If your job is ending, rather than simply looking for a new position in the same field, think about what you would like to do with your time. Consider taking a class or seeking additional training if it is a new field for you.

If you feel you have outgrown a relationship, or if a partner feels s/he has outgrown you, ask yourself what choices you have now that were not open to you when you were involved with that person. Perhaps your partner did not like your friends, so your time with them was limited. Perhaps he resented the time you spent at your favorite hobby so you had to limit your pleasurable pursuits. Maybe she wanted to live in a particular location that did not especially appeal to you; now you can choose a home that you prefer.

Remember, when God closes a door, he opens a window. But it is up to us to allow the window to remain open, rather than nailing it shut in an attempt to keep our lives the same. Throw your windows open wide and embrace your new life! Rejoice!

I Am Terrific!

By Blue Waters Publications

Mar

5

“No one can make you feel inferior

without your consent.”

Eleanor Roosevelt

As we travel through our lives, we all encounter persons and situations that trigger negative feelings; inferiority is one of those feelings commonly set off by events outside of ourselves. It may be that the individual says or does something negative or critical towards us and we walk away feeling put down. Or, perhaps the person we encounter is so accomplished in many areas that we put ourselves down.

When you become aware of that reaction in yourself, I want you to remind yourself of Eleanor Roosevelt’s famous quote above. It is absolutely true. If we are happy and content with ourselves, it matters little what anyone else thinks about what we have, where we work, who we are with. It matters not how or what anyone else can do.

If feelings of inferiority are triggered by another’s behavior or comment, it signifies that we have misgivings about our choices that existed even prior to our contact with them. It is in that case, helpful to have them exposed so that we may hold them up to the light of day and examine them closely so we are making wise choices with our time here on earth.

For, if we are led to question the work we are doing by another’s comment, perhaps examining it more closely would trigger another avenue we wish to explore. If we become aware of some dissention or unhappiness in a relationship because another has pointed it out, this can lead us to re-examine the relationship for ourselves. If there are issues, we can then bring them out into the open so they may be discussed and resolved. Or perhaps we will decide the relationship is no longer working for us. If another’s remark makes us realize we truly want to have a certain possession, it can cause us to explore why that item is so important to us. If the reason is valid, we can then outline an approach to attain it. In any case, becoming aware of this unhappiness is a benefit, a gift.

Comments and actions from others can also trigger issues that remain unresolved from our past. If self esteem or its opposite, a sense of inferiority, has been an issue for you throughout your life, this recognition could put you in a position to change that. Seek out a therapist specializing in self esteem work or do some reading on the issue by yourself.

A simple starting point is to list 25 positive qualities you possess. You may need to think long and hard about this but it is best if you come up with them yourself, rather than relying on others to do so. Think about genuine compliments people have paid you. Think about skills or gifts you possess in your interactions with others. Write them down. If you get stuck, put it away for a few days, then pull it out and it may be easier to complete. If all else fails, go ahead and ask someone close to you for a few ideas, but before you do, put some true effort into completing it yourself.

Keep your list in a safe place. Add to it whenever you think of a new quality. Then, whenever your feelings of inferiority are triggered, and you ascertain it is not due to unhappiness with your current situation that you can change, pull out your list and read it over. Read it several times. Let those wonderful words sink it; ponder them. Just appreciating the wonderful, special individual that you are should help you feel a bit better, your day a bit brighter.

I frequently use this exercise with clients. Inevitably they will refer to the Saturday Night Live segment with the actor affirming himself by saying something like, “I’m good enough, I’m smart enough and by golly people like me!” While this is an extreme caricature of what I am suggesting, it does bring a smile to the face, which is valuable in itself. Just check my previous blog on the power of a smile below…

Nothin’ But A Smile…

By Blue Waters Publications

Feb

26

“Thousands of candles can be lit from a single candle,

and the life of the candle will not be shortened.

Happiness never decreases by being shared.”

Buddha (Hindu Prince Gautama Siddharta)

In the movie “Six Degrees of Separation” the premise is that everyone in the world is only six people away from knowing or having a connection to everyone else. The popular game, “Six Degrees of Kevin Bacon,” is based on a similar idea. But recent research by a pair of British social scientists, published in The British Medical Journal has put forth a new twist on that theory: “Three Degrees of Connection.”

The pair used statistical analysis of thousands of participants and their research has shown that happiness actually spreads from person to person up to three connections away. For example, according to Nicholas Christakis, MD, a medical sociology professor at Harvard Medical School, if a friend of a friend of a friend becomes happier, “it ripples through the network and affects you, even if you don’t know that [first] person.”

In its simplest form, it may be something as remote as your friend’s friend’s friend being in a good mood and helping your friend’s friend be more cheerful, which affects your friend, which makes you happier when you are around her as well. After all, who doesn’t feel better being around someone who is happy, rather than an old grouch?

Proximity is a factor. For example, according to the research, a happy sibling who is only a mile away can increase your probability of happiness by up to 14 percent while a friend who is closer can increase it by 25 percent. A neighbor has the power to increase your probability of happiness by 34 percent—so be nice to those new neighbors that just moved in, they could have the power to really make you smile.

Christakis also notes that this effect also applies to smoking and obesity. His research has shown that when one person quits smoking or loses weight, others around him follow suit. While this is no basis upon which to choose your friends, it is food for thought!

This does not mean that you are powerless over your mood or that your happiness is always in someone else’s hands. We do create our own happiness with our thoughts and expectations. But it is easier to think more positive thoughts when in the proximity of people who are happy. We have all had the experience of having a bad day and coming in contact with someone, often a total stranger, who gives us a bright smile for no explicable reason.  All of a sudden our troubles just seem to melt away. The world doesn’t seem as dark; the challenges we are facing, not as overwhelming.

We can choose to BE that mood change for others as well. One benefit is that when we “act as if” we feel a certain way (happy, positive, motivated, etc.) we eventually will start to feel that way. Happiness is a state of mind. So by acting happy, we should start feeling better. But we also will have an effect on those around us. We will become that stranger that smiles at someone having a bad day and thereby help to brighten her day.

Further, smiling is a habit. With the state of the economy and all the problems we hear about every day, it is easy to fall out of that habit of smiling. But you can re-train yourself as well. Another group of researchers has concluded that if we merely devote five minutes a day to smiling—consciously smiling–after a short time, it will soon become a habit and a more automatic behavior. The whole world will be brighter as a result! I think it’s worth the effort. I can certainly afford the five minutes; can’t you? What do you have to lose?

Happy Birthday Kate! Sending a smile your way…XXOO ; )

Move It or Lose It!

By Blue Waters Publications

Feb

17

Cross country ski trail

If you don’t move your body,

your brain thinks you’re dead

I found this quote on an affirmation card purchased from a website (www.hayhouse.com) that offers many varieties of such cards for the support and encouragement of individual change. Continuing on our theme of Basic Needs that we started with the last post, I would like to address “Physical” needs next and think this is an intriguing way to do so.

We have many different physical needs as human beings. Some of the most obvious are food, clothing, shelter, air and sleep. I like to tell my clients that they should think of their bodies as a vehicle to get them where they need to be and to care for it in much the same manner. If we put good rich fuel in our cars, they will perform at their optimum level. The same is true with our bodies.

We can fill up on junk food, but won’t get the same response as if we consume good nutritious fruits, vegetables and proteins, foods that are rich in the vitamins and minerals we need to function at our optimum level. Think of this when deciding on a meal or a snack. Ask the question, “Will this help me or hurt me?” when choosing what to eat. You may find that more often than not you will make healthier choices.

Sleep is another important physical need. The average person needs 7-8 hours of sleep every night to be at her best. While some get away with less than that and others need still more, most of us do reasonably well with that amount. It is easiest for your body when it can predict when it will get that rest. Your body will function best if you have a regular pattern of sleeping and waking times. Even in the event of a job loss or layoff, it is best if you go to bed at your regular time and rise at or near the time you would wake when working. This is especially true in times of stress, and isn’t the loss of a job a most stressful time? You will function better if your body gets its rest at, and for, the regular time.

But the physical need I want to focus on today is exercise. When I ask clients about this, many of them (especially the men) tell me “I get all the exercise I need at work!” While you may move around at work and be on your feel all day, you are not getting what you need or what I mean by exercise. You need to raise your heart rate so you are getting an aerobic workout and it must remain increased for a period of at least 20-25 minutes. The recommendation used to be that we do this 3-4 times per week. In the last few years, that recommendation by those in the know who study health and aging have increased that to 5-7 days per week, even for the average person.

This doesn’t mean you need to run every day for a half hour. You can achieve a sufficient increase in your heart rate simply by walking, but it needs to be just about daily and for about 30 minutes. If you don’t move regularly, your body begins to tighten up; muscles start to atrophy. We lose any conditioning we may have achieved previously. We will have more aches and pains and more physical problems if we are not moving regularly.

You will also find that this practice helps you mentally and emotionally as much as physically. When we are active, our brain releases endorphins—the “feel-good” chemicals that give us the sense that life is good and any challenges we face are manageable. In short, our mood tends to improve when we are working out.

And, if you need any inspiration, now is the perfect time to get inspired! Watching even one event or one night of the Olympic performances that are happening over the next two weeks can inspire even the most sluggish and lethargic of us. Most of us aren’t born with the natural ability and simply don’t have the training to perform at that level, but we can go out cross country skiing or snowshoeing or get ourselves out for a walk.

Who can help but be inspired when we hear the stories of these athletes who have put in many hours of practice and training for their two to four minutes or two to four hours of participating in the Olympic Games in hope of a medal? Stories like that can inspire each of us to heave ourselves off the couch and get out for a walk. What do you have to lose? As Nike says, “Just do it!”

Finding a Spiritual Connection

By Blue Waters Publications

Feb

12

A walk in the forest

“Nature abhors a vacuum,

and if I can only walk with sufficient carelessness

I am sure to be filled.”

Henry David Thoreau

In the first post on this blog, we discussed the importance of taking care of ourselves and finding ways to meet our needs. There are many different ways of talking about needs we all have as human beings, but my favorite format is the one below:

BASIC NEEDS:

Spiritual                        Physical

Social                                              Intellectual

Emotional                     Creative

“SPICES”

I like this format because it really covers the basics and is easy to remember. If you start if the upper left hand corner of the circle with “Spiritual”, the first letter of each “need” spells the word “spices”. That way, if you can remember the word “Spices”, you can take stock several times a week to make sure you are meeting each of your basic needs  without carrying around a piece of paper to remind you. You should be meeting each need at about the same level and doing something at least once a week (more depending on the need) to satisfy. It doesn’t matter how well you are meeting some of your needs, if you are not attending to all of them in some manner, you will still be out of balance and under stress.

In this blog I want to focus on the first, or spiritual, need. It is surprising to many that the need for spirituality is basic to all of us. This is essentially our need for connectedness; the need to feel connected to something greater than ourselves. Some call this a connection with God; others refer to it as a higher power. Still others just have a sense of that connectedness to all things, people or beings of any kind. However you define it, this need must be met regularly.

Many people find they are able to meet their spiritual need best by practicing some form of organized religion. Perhaps it is the religion and belief system they were raised with; perhaps it is the faith practiced by their partner or other love one. But for those persons, attending mass or church services helps them feel that connection.

Others have difficulty feeling connected this way in a cathedral filled with people. Church services may leave them feeling cold or personally unaffected. These persons must find another way to meet their spiritual need or suffer the consequences.

Luckily, there are many ways to satisfy this task. Some persons practice medication or some form of guided imagery. Yoga can be a spiritual practice, as can tai chi and other forms of meditative movement.  Still other persons find they feel spiritually connected through having some contact with nature. Walking through a forest, climbing a mountain peak, watching the snow fall or seeing waves crashing on a shore can instill a strong sense of connection with all of the earth.

My family and I are members of the Catholic faith. When we are at home, we attend church services at our parish on Sunday evenings. However, when we are traveling or spending time at our cabin, which is situated in the midst of a forest, it is the natural approach we take to our spirituality. In fact, many of our travels take place in our RV, which means that we are more often than not spending days and nights away from home surrounded by nature in one part of this country or another. We find that this fills us, as Thoreau indicates in the quote above.

If you are at a loss for how to meet your need for a spiritual connection, consider spending some time out in nature. Taking a walk in a nearby park or visiting a local lakeshore can suffice.  It needn’t be a long journey, this quest for connection, but when you are looking to expand your horizons a bit further, consider spending a night in a campground or national forest.

This does not have to be an expensive proposition or undertaking. In fact, it can be incredibly affordable. Tents can be rented or even purchased inexpensively and a campsite for an evening can run as little as $10. Your only other cost is your gasoline to get to your destination, which you may have anyway driving around town on the weekend.

But the peace you will achieve from your time away is priceless. We have stayed in some of the most beautiful natural surroundings that have found both peace and connectedness there. So whether you belong to and practice a form of organized religion, some other type of spiritual practice or have neglected your spiritual needs in recent weeks and months, any of us can benefit from being in nature.

If you are at a loss for where to start, I invite you to check out another blog to which I contribute: http://blog.woodalls.com.  Reading these entries will give you many ideas about where to go and what to do when you get there. Happy connecting!

Worry No More!

By Blue Waters Publications

Feb

10

View of Great Smoky Mountains

“I am an old man and have known a great many troubles—but most of them never happened.”

Mark Twain

Worry is the most unproductive of all activities. When we obsess about a potential problem coming to pass, we are not accomplishing anything other than to make ourselves miserable. Worry cannot change the outcome and only causes us distress, often to the point of exhaustion.

Many people worry when they lay their heads down to sleep at night. The reason this tends to be a difficult time is that while you are up and moving around, your thoughts are often occupied by the activities you must accomplish before you rest and relax. When you lay down to rest, your mind is most often quieter, thus allowing space and opportunity for the worrisome thoughts to rise to the surface.

A good technique to quell these worrisome thoughts is something we call “thought-stopping.” Before going to bed, think of the most wonderful memory you can recall. Be specific in recalling every detail of this event. Get all of your senses involved. If it was a beach vacation, feel the hot sun on your face, hear the waves lapping at the shore, taste the cool drink you were sipping and so on.

Then, when you lay down to sleep and your troublesome thoughts emerge, mentally tell them to “STOP!” It often helps to imagine a light switch in your brain that you are switching to the “Off” position to stop your worries. Immediately after doing so, mentally take yourself back to the wonderful memory you had pre-selected. Recall all of the sensations you had evoked in your earlier visit to this event.

It is impossible for your brain to go in two directions at once. If you are able to stay “in” the memory, you will be unable to return to your worries. Practice helps and this process gets easier with time. Be vigilant in squelching those worrisome thoughts. They do not help you. When they try to return, just repeat the process again.

As a therapist, another technique I teach my “worriers”, and there are many, is to make a list in a notebook of all of the things you are worried about today. Put the list away for 30 days, then pull it out and look it over. Cross out all the troubles that never came to pass. Chances are you will cross out most of what you wrote. This can help you stop worrisome thoughts in the future, realizing it is just a waste of your time and your energy! Sweet dreams!

Hello world!

By Blue Waters Publications

Feb

2

2009Door County 007

Welcome to the Blue Waters Publications Blog! I am excited about this opportunity to share some thoughts with anyone who will read them and will attempt to provide information that is both interesting and helpful.

Helen Keller once said,

“Life is either a great adventure or it is nothing!”

As a writer and a therapist, I generally reach people one at a time. This blog is an opportunity to reach large numbers of people with information I consider essential and helpful for all of us to live life to the fullest. Join me as I embark on our new adventure!

As a therapist, I am a firm believer in self-care and that is typically the place I start with new clients. Very often we are unhappy, frustrated, lonely (fill in the blank here with any negative feeling or emotion) because our needs are not being met. But the primary responsibility for meeting those needs lies with us. It is not selfish or narcissistic to focus on your needs—just healthy.

Nor can you rely on a partner, friend, parent or pet to meet those needs for you. If you do you will end up disappointed and, most likely, alone. No, dear reader, the responsibility is yours and yours alone.

To that end, I hope to give you some ideas or options in the days and weeks to come to consider for how best to identify what you need and how to get those needs met. You are likely to read some things you may never have thought about or considered, and be faced with some ideas that may seem foreign or strange to you.

This exploration is a healthy thing, however. If I filled this blog with what you already knew or had heard 1000 times, I would be wasting your time. You are here for a challenge; something to help you push the envelope. Enjoy our adventure!