The Second Time Around…

By Blue Waters Publications

Dec

16

Relationships are like glass:

Sometimes it’s better to leave it broken

than to hurt yourself putting it back together.

Anonymous

Breakups are hard. They cause pain. They destroy our equilibrium.

It is possible to prevent ourselves from ever experiencing the pain of a break up. We can wall ourselves away in our home or in our psyche, building a wall so wide and so high no one can ever find their way over or through it to protect ourselves from ever being hurt.

But by doing so we deprive ourselves of that fullness others can bring to our lives and, by doing so, create another kind of pain—that of loneliness. All of our relationships, even the ones that end and cause pain, enrich our lives and make them more satisfying.

You see, relationships are our teachers. An anonymous author once said:

“Some people come into our lives and quickly go. Some stay for awhile and leave footprints on our hearts. And we are never, ever the same.”

The key is not to confuse the two. Those that only appear briefly may have a lesson to teach us that we can learn relatively quickly. And then they move on. Others linger with good reason: we have not fully learned what they have to share.

When one of these teachers decides to leave before we are ready, or mysteriously reappears in our lives as if by magic or in answer to our prayers, it is tempting to latch on and hold tight, being even more determined than ever to make it work out the second time around. This is often a mistake, however. If that happens, we must ask ourselves whether they belong in our future or our past.

If you will be able to look forward and share goals and dreams in your new relationship, perhaps there is a future for the two of you. Perhaps each of you grew or changed enough  so you now fit well together.

If, however, whatever draws you together has long past, your relationship may have run its course. Be cautious here and very honest with yourself; pay attention to your gut instinct. Sometimes we persuade ourselves a renewed relationship is meant to be because it is comfortable and familiar to be with an old love. We can convince ourselves that the old relationship has new life because “it just feels right” to be together again.

Our anxiety about being alone or starting over may abate because, for all of its good and bad qualities, this relationship is predictable. But ask yourself honestly:

Can I forgive and forget? Or

Will I relive and regret?

Then, before filling in the blanks as you want them to read, listen quietly for the answer. Often the right answer is just to say “Goodbye.”

The Road Not Taken

By Blue Waters Publications

Dec

2

Failure is simply the chance to begin again,

this time intelligently.

Henry Ford

The quote above is significant for several reasons. Few people remember that Ford declared bankruptcy twice before successfully developing the horseless carriage. And he is by no means alone in his experiences with failure.

Many don’t know that Walt Disney went bankrupt five times before creating Disneyland. Most people are not aware that Thomas Edison failed over 10,000 times before successfully inventing the light bulb. The difference between these successful people and many of us who become disheartened by seeming defeat is attitude. When asked about his failure, Edison responded,

“I didn’t fail 9,999 times;

I succeeded 9,999 times in learning how NOT to make a light bulb!”

In an earlier post, we looked at a quote by an anonymous author that states, “One who makes no mistakes, never makes anything.” We are picking up on that theme again today. True, if we don’t try anything that is frightening and takes courage, we will never be disappointed. But years from now, when we look back, we may regret choices we made and yearn for the road not taken. Take the advice of Mark Twain,

“Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things you didn’t do than by the ones you did. So throw off the bowlines.

Sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails.

Explore. Dream. Discover.”

Don’t take the chance of regret. Take the road you are drawn to, even if it involves a measure of risk. Remember, as Michelangelo said,

“The greater danger for most of us is not that our aim is too high and we miss it,

but that it is too low and we reach it.”

And know that, while failure is possible, you can choose to see it NOT as a mistake, but as producing another piece of information for you to work with. If you are inventing, a failure means you have learned what will NOT work and can try another idea. If you are in a relationship that is ending, cherish the happy times, positive memories and special closeness you and this person once shared. Your life is richer for having known him or her. If your job is ending, appreciate the opportunity to strike out in another direction; perhaps to try something you would never have thought possible or had the courage to try before…as well as the opportunity to leave a job you had become dependent on because of the income it provided. You have been freed from the burden of making the choice and granted a new opportunity.

I once worked with a client who was afforded this opportunity. She was fearful of leaving a job she hated and to which she had to drag herself each morning, because she depended on the income and was too intimidated to walk away from a sure-thing in an uncertain economy. She was terminated due to a reorganization in the company and blossomed with the experience, creating a much more fulfilling life for herself in a new position.

So set your sights high, take chances. When things don’t go as planned, pick yourself up and start anew. You are in good company. Avoid being the person looking back regretting the choices not taken. Do not be a casualty of a life you have failed to live. Instead,

“Go confidently in the direction of your dream,

Live the life you’ve imagined.”

Henry David Thoreau

An Attitude of Gratitude

By Blue Waters Publications

Nov

18

“Gratitude makes sense of our past, brings peace for today, and creates a vision for tomorrow.”

Anonymous

In preparation for our celebration of giving thanks next Thursday, and for writing this post, I began last week to think about things I am grateful for. While I had never personally made a list of such things before, I have suggested this exercise to clients who were having difficulty appreciating the gifts they have. I have also read and heard quite a bit about the benefits of doing so. So for the past seven days, I have made a list each day of 10 or more things for which I am grateful. Not only was it helpful in writing this post, it was personally enlightening as well.

What I learned is that I have much to be grateful for. While it is easy to complain and bemoan the trials and tribulations in our lives, once you shift your focus, it can also be quite simple to come up with a number of things for which we are thankful. And that change in focus can make all the difference in the world in your attitude.

While there were the occasional material items that appeared on my list, I found that relationships figured most prominently; my husband, my children, my friends, my canine children. Yes, these relationships took center stage in my musings and it became very apparent to me how many times a day I think of them and how much I truly appreciate and depend on them. From the children who, through no effort of mine have become wonderful young people whose company I truly enjoy, to my husband who helps me out and shows he cares in more ways than I can count, to friends who step in precisely when they are needed, to three puppies who are always happy to see me even when I come home crabby, their names figure prominently and daily in my list.

I have also realized that this is a practice that I plan to continue, perhaps not on a daily basis, but at least several times a week. It has made me a kinder, gentler more appreciative wife, mother and friend and these are qualities I want to cultivate in myself. Especially in this time of unemployment and shortfall, it is important to prevent our lives from being overrun with negativity. I have written in the past about the importance of being positive. There is no better way to do so that to truly appreciate all that we have and those special to us.

If you have never done a gratitude exercise such as this one, there is no better time than the present. Give it a try and really invest yourself in the exercise. It is very easy to get hung up on the “Yes, but…” scenario—work to avoid trying to dismiss your gratefulness by qualifying your statements. Especially if you have recently experienced a loss or downturn, you have probably spent a great deal of time focusing on the negative in your life. Make the effort to turn your attention to the things for which you are thankful. It will most likely make a wonderful difference in your attitude and can help you get into the perfect frame of mind to celebrate this special time of year. And, according to the theory that we draw to ourselves that upon which we focus, it may even bring to you more of what you want. It’s worth a shot, even if all you get is a more positive attitude!

Wishing to all a blessed and peaceful Thanksgiving.

To Love Yourself

By Blue Waters Publications

Nov

4

It’s only a thought

And a thought can be changed

Anonymous

Today I would like to pick up on a theme we touched on briefly in my last post: that of our bodies and minds believing what we say when we talk to ourselves. Many of us are especially critical of our bodies and our appearance. We could lose or gain a few pounds or perhaps our teeth aren’t perfect or our hair is getting gray. But we become our own worst enemies when we criticize and berate ourselves because what we think and believe about who we are determines how we look and feel. What I am going to say may sound a bit far-fetched but it is backed by solid science, so please bear with me.

Our thoughts and beliefs create energy, which influences matter. After all, matter, at its most basic level, is energy. These are core principles of quantum physics, which is the study of the building blocks of the entire universe.

Our bodies are made up of organs, tissue and bone, which are composed, as we all know, of cells.  Cells are made up of molecules which are composed of atoms and atoms are, in turn, made up of sub-atomic particles as electrons and the like. These particles are simply energy, which exists as a wave, until you observe or notice it. It then becomes a particle until you cease to observe it, and it becomes a wave again.

It is, therefore, your observation, or your attention or intention, that creates what you see around you. Our consciousness is involved in the creation of everything we observe. If you can manage to affirm yourself, including who you are and how you look right now, then further beauty will come to you far more quickly. But if you can’t genuinely love and appreciate yourself as you are, you will still make progress if you “fake it ‘til you make it.”

Rather than berating ourselves for being overweight or out of shape or growing older, if we can love ourselves just as we are, we will, in turn, create more beauty and health by our very thoughts. Using affirmations and telling yourself “I love and appreciate you just as you are” will likely create wonderful results in both your mind and body. Just as a contrary statement will likely cause further damage.

Even if you find the science of this process difficult to believe and hard to accept, what do you have to lose? Except, maybe, a few minutes saying something nice to yourself! And who couldn’t use one extra compliment every day?

The Importance of Affirming Ourselves

By Blue Waters Publications

Oct

21

When a man finds no peace within himself

it is useless to seek it elsewhere.

L. A. Rouchefolicould

Many of us get into relationships with people we believe will complete us, because we feel inadequate, incomplete or alone. Yet once the newness wears off, we find we are still incomplete, inadequate and alone. This is because no one can complete us; we must complete ourselves.

However, when we are feeling this way, it is an indication that we have some work to do. It may be our self-esteem that needs work. Or perhaps our childhood has left us feeling incapable and inadequate. Whatever the reason, some work with affirmations can do the trick.

Many of us are not kind when we talk to ourselves. And we all talk to ourselves. We inwardly exclaim, “What an idiot you are!” or we ask “How could you be so stupid?” when we make a mistake. Our bodies and our minds truly believe everything we say when we talk to ourselves. We can either choose to change this, by working with affirmations to treat ourselves more gently, or we can beat ourselves into the ground and become our own worst enemy.

Affirmations are nothing more than simple positive statements that we say as if we already believed they were true. Some more common examples are:

“I am whole and complete in myself.”

“I am completely adequate for all situations.”

“I now have a perfect, satisfying and well paying job.”

“I love and appreciate myself just as I am.”

The most typical manner of using affirmations is simply to read them to yourself as often as it occurs to you. A more effective method involves choosing 2-3 affirmations and making a plan to read each 3 times over, 3 times a day.  Write them on a card and keep cards in several easily accessible places: in your purse, inside the bathroom medicine cabinet, on your desk at work, etc.

Also, though it feels awkward at first, it is more effective if you read them out loud to yourself, while looking at yourself in a mirror. Trust me, you CAN get used to doing this. Everyone feels awkward at first. But it quadruples the effect of the affirmations, as you are reading them, saying them, hearing them and seeing yourself say them. It’s worth the extra effort.

Be religious about doing them regularly. The more consistent you can be, the greater the effect you will notice. Though you might feel at first like the skit on Saturday Night Live that we have all seen, you should find yourself starting to feel more positive, optimistic and creative after about two weeks of regular practice. And it’s a far easier task to change and improve yourself than looking for a partner who can complete the parts of yourself you are not happy with.

The best affirmations are not those you may read in books or blog posts, but ones you create yourself, in your own words. Try to come up with these simple positive statements on your own but if you cannot, find yourself a good resource for affirmations and re-write several so they are stated in words you would use. One good resource is “Creative Visualization” by Shakti Gawain (Bantam, 1978). While this is an older book, it is an excellent resource for affirmation work.

Once you have chosen your statements, make your plan for how and when you will do them. My strong recommendation is to follow the process described above. As far as timing, whatever works with your schedule and is easy for you to remember is best: breakfast, lunch, dinner and morning, noon, night, are three popular examples for timing. Then, as Nike says, “Just do it!” After all, you’re worth it!

Imagine the Positive!

By Blue Waters Publications

Oct

8

You are a living magnet.

What you attract into your life is in harmony with your dominant thoughts.

Brian Tracy

Sometimes when life is going well, we begin to worry about all of the things that could potentially go wrong. We, in fact, become our own worst enemy, locking our mind into a cycle of worry and negativity and, in many cases, experiencing about the very outcome we find ourselves dreading. If you are one of those who worry when times are good, take heed.

We tend to draw to ourselves exactly that which we fear or worry about. The best selling book and video, The Secret, espouses this very concept. In a nutshell, the theory is that energy is drawn to and attracted by like energy. So the more we focus on negative events, the more likely we are to experience them. And conversely, the more we focus on positive outcomes, the more good we receive.

There is much we do not understand about the power and workings of energy in this world but we have all had the experience of worrying about something only to have it actually happen, exactly in the manner we feared! And we have also focused on something we very much wanted to happen, only to have it take place right before our eyes. Science has actually proved that every thought we have creates a living, breathing molecule. If you have enough of the same thoughts, the worry becomes reality.

However, the good news is that this concept is true for our positive thoughts as well. Further, positive thoughts create stronger, more vibrant molecules than negative ones, which are even more likely to manifest in reality. Whether we call it positive thinking or manifesting molecules, we can use this to our best advantage.

Often when we have had one failed relationship, we have a difficult time trusting that a new one will work out. If we have had several unsuccessful connections, we may become all but certain the new one will end, only awaiting the final event. I would propose that when we do this, we actually draw this negativity into our relationship. Additionally, we are also more likely to act in ways that bring about that outcome. Thus, it is never helpful to assume the negative.

If this is how you operate, take a risk and give the positive a chance. Just for once, assume the relationship will work out, that you will end up living happily ever after. You may notice a nearly palpable physical change. You might feel relieved, but are also likely to feel calm, confident and excited about the possibilities for the new partnership.

If you want a happy, lasting relationship imagine yourself with this person for the long term. Feel the wonderful feelings associated with being in love and finding that love. You’re already invested, so you might as well assume it’s going to work out. Whenever you start to worry, change those negative thoughts to positive ones. Imagine the relationship working out and don’t spend a single minute of your precious life wasted with worry. This takes practice, so begin immediately! Life is too short to waste with negative thinking.

To Say Goodbye…

By Blue Waters Publications

Sep

23

Loving is giving people the freedom to be the way they are,

Not trying to make them the way you want.

Anonymous

At the end of July, we explored the various steps in the Grieving Process that we experience whenever we have a loss of any kind. One example of a common loss is the ending of a relationship–sometimes people simply need to move on to be happy. In order to recover from the loss, we must make our way through the various stages. It is said, “The only way ‘out’ is ‘through’.” In other words, you must feel it to heal it. Of these steps, the Depression stage is one of the least pleasant.

You may sail relatively unaffected through the Denial stage and the Anger step can give you some vicarious pleasure. Bargaining provides a bit of hope that the loss may not happen after all, if only… And Acceptance is the easy part. But in the Depression stage you are simply sad and lonely.

It is during this stage that we must begin to let go of our attachment to this relationship, person, job, home, status. If we do not, we will not reach the stage of Acceptance. Luckily there are tools we can use to help work our way through this Depression and get ready to let go.

While there are a number of such tools, I want to talk today about the “Goodbye Letter.” This is a technique we use in my group Rebuilding After Your Relationship Ends to begin or continue the process of letting go of our attachment to what we have lost.

To begin, spend some time thinking over the history of your relationship: how it began, when you knew it would be serious, problems or conflicts that developed, happy times together, how it ended. You can also apply this process with a job, home, status or anything you have lost. It can be helpful to outline some of the key events on a time line so you have a clear visual picture of the process of the relationship. Patterns in the relationship may become clear as well. One man who did this exercise in the group noticed that, while the first 5 years of his marriage involved many happy moments, the last 5 had involved many tragedies: a serious car accident, job loss, medical problems, foreclosure, legal trouble, losing a parent. With that setup, it is no wonder his marriage did not survive!

Look over the time line and use its entries to write your letter. Begin the letter by introducing the subject (“saying goodbye”), then listing all of the things about this relationship or job that you will find it difficult to live without and will miss. Examples might be: our first kiss, our dreams for the future, the home we chose together, having children together and the like.

You can then have a bit of fun and healing with this exercise by moving into all of the things that you will NOT miss about the relationship: her smelly feet, his bad habits, her personality quirks, his refusal to ask for directions. One woman in our group wrote that she would not miss, “Not being able to turn on the heat until the car is all warmed up!” I think we can all imagine that argument happening over and over.

Having a bit of fun with this exercise is part of the healing process as well. Just don’t be too quick to jump into the fun part. Make sure you have a complete list of the things it will be difficult to live without. Then move on to the fun part.

The purpose of writing this letter is not to use it as ammunition against a former partner. You are writing for your eyes–and heart–only. Just like forgiveness, you let go for yourself, not for anyone else. No one need know that you have let go and moved on. But you will….and that’s how it should be. Happy writing!

I Am Responsible for My Own Emotions

By Blue Waters Publications

Sep

9

Happiness is not having what you want but

wanting what you have.

Anonymous

The above quote is a tall order, as it seems the grass is always greener on the other side of the fence. Especially with the media and commercialism we are surrounded by today, it seems we are always being told that to be happy we should acquire more “things”—the newest cell phone, a fancier car, a larger home. These possessions cannot make us happy.

Another famous quote along the same lines by another wise but anonymous author is that most people “are generally about as happy as they make up their minds to be.” These quotes eloquently illustrate a concept that many of us are uncomfortable with or resistant to: that we are each responsible for our own emotions.

Many people resist accepting this concept because it lays all blame and responsibility for our moods on our own shoulders. Often, when we allow ourselves to become angry, upset or unhappy, we search for someone else to blame. It feels better to blame someone we feel is “at fault” or who has “screwed up” that to look in the mirror for the cause of our negative feelings. The most likely target for our ire and blame is typically someone close to us. Those closest to us are often the ones that see us at our worst for two reasons: 1) we feel safe to really be ourselves and to let ourselves go when we are with them and 2) we often feel that they would never leave or turn their backs on us, even when they see us at our worst. This then becomes the setup for our “blame-game.”

Rather than making us actually feel better, however, it gives power and control over our emotions to someone who is unable to fix or change them. Often the more a loved one tries to placate or appease us, the more frustrated and angry we get. This is because we have given our power away to a source that cannot make it better. We expend our energy in the wrong direction and do not feel any better for it. We must each recognize the responsibility lies solely within us and we are the only ones who can make ourselves feel better or appreciate what we have.

There is a Native American folk tale that illustrates this concept very succinctly. It reads:

A grandfather explains to his grandson that he has two wolves inside him. One wolf fills him with hope and reminds him how wonderful his life is, and the other fills him with doubt and convinces him that nothing is worth the effort. The grandson asks, concerned for his grandfather, “Which wolf will win?” The grandfather replies, “Whichever one I feed.”

Remember, the only person who can keep you happy and satisfied is YOU!

The Art of Being Mindful

By Blue Waters Publications

Aug

26

“Between stimulus and response there is a space.

In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom”

~ Victor Frankl

The quality of being “mindful” is defined by Webster’s New World Dictionary as “Having in mind; aware, heedful or careful” (Simon & Schuster,  1991).  “Mindfulness” can be described as being completely in touch with and aware of the present moment. Another component in common definitions of mindfulness is that of simply accepting what is; taking a non-evaluative and non-judgmental approach to your inner experience. Simply view it with openness and curiosity. Therefore, a mindful approach to your inner self might simply be viewing thoughts as thoughts, nothing more; neither judging nor evaluating them. Just accepting them and letting them pass on by.

Practicing mindfulness is one effective way to manage stress.  It helps you to let go of all the busyness of your daily existence and simply clear your mind. Very similar to meditation, the practice will leave you feeling refreshed and relaxed, even on the heels of a stressful day.

To practice mindfulness, find yourself a quiet place where you will not be interrupted or disturbed. Settle yourself in a sitting position and clear your mind. Focus only on the present moment with your open and curious mind. If you find it difficult to clear your head, concentrate on your breathing, counting the breaths if you need to, to maintain your focus. Once you reach a count of ten, you can either start over or count backwards to one.

It can also be helpful to read over a quotation such as the one stated above as you begin your practice. Once you have chosen a quote, read it over twice to let the words really settle into your mind. Bring your mind back if it wanders into daily events.

Pay attention to your body. Notice how each part of your body is feeling but do not label or interpret the sensations. Simply accept them. For example, if you are outside, feel the breeze on your face and notice the color of the wildflowers in the meadow. Involve all of your senses in this awareness: Sight, smell, sound, touch, taste.

Practice mindfulness regularly. The more you do it, the more you benefit from it. Get in the habit of practicing often. You need not be sitting still to be mindful. This is an exercise you can do when you are walking, driving or exercising. You should find yourself feeling more at relaxed and contented if you regularly make time to be mindful. Wishing you peace…

The Process of Loss

By Blue Waters Publications

Jul

30

When you are sorrowful look again in your heart, and you shall see that in truth you are weeping for that which has been your delight.

~Kahlil Gibran

This is my favorite quote about grief. For indeed, why would we mourn the loss of something that gave us only conflict and distress. We grieve that to which we have connected emotionally; that which has made our lives richer and more fulfilling. But being aware of the process of grief helps us to understand it and, perhaps, move through it more easily.

Back in 1969, Dr. Elisabeth Kubler-Ross wrote her landmark work about the grief experience, On Death and Dying (MacMillan Publishing, 1970). She had been working for a number of years as a physician with terminally ill patients. Over the years of observing the ill from the point of their initial diagnosis through the time of their death, she identified five steps that persons with terminal illness experience in coming to terms with their illness. These five steps or stages, as they came to be called, came to be known as the grief process.

Upon being apprised of their fate, and the likelihood of their death, most patients would initially react with Denial. This was often exhibited by statements such as, “I’m not going to die,” “They’ll find a cure,” and “I’m going to beat this disease.” It was also marked by a state of numbness or shock at the  findings, and a refusal to accept the finality and inevitability of the result.

After the denial stage came Anger at their fate. Now realizing what would likely happen, many would rail, “This isn’t fair!” and “Why did this have to happen to me?” Bitterness and resentment often accompanied this stage.

Following anger came a Bargaining stage. Patients would attempt to bargain for a more promising outcome, often turning to God as the object of their pleas. Statements such as “I will do anything if you only make me well,”  “I will be the most devout Christian (Catholic, Jew, etc) in the world if you make me well,” and “I will go to Church every Sunday,” and the like are not uncommon at this stage of the process. Patients seem not to understand the futility of their requests because they have not yet reached the state of accepting their illness and its likely outcome.

As bargaining subsides, Depression and Withdrawal take over. Along with a depressed mood and melancholy, this stage also includes the beginning of the withdrawal from persons, places and things in which the patient had previously been invested. Things that used to matter a great deal do not provoke the same reactions as they formerly did at this point.

This pulling away from things that used to be important to the patient is the beginning of the final stage, Acceptance. At this point the patient begins to accept her fate and may begin to find some peace in it, if she lives long enough to have worked through the stages to this point. Persons who move very quickly from diagnosis to death may not have sufficient time to work through all five stages. Entry into this stage may become apparent if the person begins to discuss the outcome with others or to plan for “after I’m gone.”

Persons may cycle through the stages several times before achieving acceptance and can get stuck in one stage or several. The most typical sticking points are anger and depression because they are painful to move through. The temptation is to “stuff” or medicate these uncomfortable feelings, rather than to face them. But everyone experiencing this type of loss begins with some level of denial and, if they work through the entire process, ends with acceptance.

Some years later it was discovered that persons experienced this same process whenever they faced any significant loss in their lives. Researchers discovered that it did not matter if the loss was their own life, as in the patients with whom Kubler-Ross worked, or if it was the loss of a parent, child, sibling or spouse whether the loss occurred through divorce or the loss of a home of job they loved. Even the loss of a pet could initiate the grieving process.

Whenever we have a new loss, to a certain extent all unresolved losses we have experienced but not completely worked through get brought to the surface. It is helpful to think back over your life and your losses and if there are any on which you have some work left to do, spend some time doing so now before life hands you another challenge. Talk to a therapist or a good friend, do some journaling or just give some serious thought to the loss and the stages of grieving it. Recall what you are missing the most in regard to the loss. Then you will be in the best place to cope with whatever life throws your way.